Self appreciation

 Randomly remembered a strength I have that I used to brush it off whenever they mentioned:

I can make very organised and clear notes just at first shot, from being the recorder in a (mock) CPR to plotting a full history of a complicated case who showed up for their first visit. Honestly I thought my notes were kind of messy, but my groupmates said they were super clear and relied on my notes to present our cases- and they did that fluently while reading my notes first time! (Vouched by groupmates who were the resuscitation team leaders during the exam and one who was late to clerking so he genuinely didn't catch the history)

I felt proud that I can be of great help. And it was pretty effective to be partnering with people who were verbally good. And they trusted me! (For the CPR, I admit I initially was lowkey worried that I was being kind of excluded since they kept assigning me to be the recorder instead of switching roles like how the rest were doing- it felt remotely similar to how I was treated in primary school so... I mean I didn't need to do the physical work so it's fine, and during wrap up they praised my notetaking genuinely, so I realised they actually like me hehehe)

And I think I should notice and jot down my strengths more.

Update 25 May:

Recalled another strength: I can pick really suiting glasses for people at first sight. Ngl I think I would work well in an optical shop :))

Another one: I can memorise roads that I took just once to get my way back. Doesn't work on roads that are too similar or too long though. Saved my travel pals several times in a hurry, or when the batteries on ALL our gadgets died including my watch lmao. I suspect it was trained from mining in Minecraft in my younger years.

hiatus

 I seldom post my diary here ever since I started using the midori 2026 book to record my daily life.

ngl seemed most of the days were pretty vibrant and lowkey interesting. :) now I need to really focus and redirect myself to think that way when days are difficult.

sometimes i was fighting my thoughts when my mind automatically think of suicide as the solution because after the japan solo trip I found that I didn't really want to die for the sake of dying lol.

人生不會那麼輕易完蛋的。It's just I am not able to see that far into the future but I will try to

also started playing pikmin bloom ! I hope it would motivate me to move more and avoid bedrotting.

random

 i miss typing here when i am already writing a physical diary for arthur

i could type so much here but i had to limit my words and writing physically

and after writing the physical one meticulously, I've already mentioned the most important things so there is no point in typing here, or recording additional or repetitive stuff in my other personal journals

so far my 2025 journal is empty since november when i was fully invested in the mini diary for Arthur

I am still thinking how Arthur sounded like if he kinda want to cry/ had a lump in his throat last session.

I gifted him a little sticker I got from HKICS (the art fair) which says "禁止對其他小狗好". He asked me to elaborate before he would accept the gift. So I told him his clients, or me, are like pet dogs to him, he was like ??, and I elaborated I just felt happy and blessed if he or anyone spend time with me, interacting with me, and not judging me. And the judging part is quite tricky because it is not simply malice, some people can have good intentions and they didn't want to hurt me by mentioning things that may affect my feelings, but I don't want them to see me as a fragile object, and dodge topics that they were planning to discuss or gossip in the group. But at the same time I do get easily triggered and I would get uncomfortable, but I would hate to see them not being able to "become themselves" in our relationship. It's complicated. That was the "dog" part in the sticker. And then I was kinda jealous of him seeing other clients too hence the "forbid" part.

He abided to his words and took the sticker hehe.

Also today I went cycling and barbecuing with the grassy squad and I lowkey got overstimulated and super anxious because we had to cross so many roads in the cycling path (a car pressed its horn to me because I just drove across the road super quick ik I was being quite dangerous but I didn't see the crossing till it was too late and I was going quite fast and if I press the brake I think I would flip uh I am so guilty) and they got those pillars occasionally in the middle and made the road narrower, and if I look at it I felt like I would crash onto them so I was so tensed. And I was scared of fire and flames because their shape was so unpredictable (actually our flame was tame and small) so barbecuing was a bit scary. I was so tired.

we rode 9.08km unfortunately today my apple watch failed to charge !!!!!!! so I couldn't record my precious exercise moment in the fitness app bruh

malleable relationships

Perhaps relationships are malleable rather than brittle

I was stressing too much on fortifying relationships to prevent it from shattering and I didn’t really “understand” when people say relationships are meant to be a push and pull thing

Because I got the properties wrong at first

feelings and taste

 random musings

came across a comment on reddit about how "feelings are never negative- just unpleasant".

remembered the instructor from a mindfulness program I joined has also mentioned that we comment on the feelings by "I like/ dislike this feeling".

I'm thinking maybe it is easier to imagine feelings as different types of tastes. You can like or dislike spiciness, but you won't say "spicy is bad!" You can dislike sweet food but you won't conclude it as sweet = bad stuff, shouldn't touch.

maybe just try and remain open to what you would taste, and just like tastes, feelings are transient and they will pass eventually.

also went to took a peek at this year's candy cane cheer today and had a fun chat with arthur where he denied he lied about throwing away his mouldy wooden sign. He said I heard it wrong, just like the many times I tried to accuse him of random shit he didn't do and eventually made myself upset and mad lmfao. Idk man. Anyways I asked how about the mouldy blahaj why did he throw that away but not the sign, he said one is fabric one is wood and he tried to remove the mould but can't, and also told me to pay attention to my over-generalisation. Anyways it was pretty funny and he seemed less "inhibited" than during sessions hahahaha

"Freedom" to die, and thrownness

 Browsed online for a bit on optimistic nihilism, absurdism and existentialism, in an attempt to answer the question from 30/5/2024 regarding freedom to suicide.

Came across this reddit post discussing about it. 

tldr: there is no absolute freedom and every decision is calculated.

===

my question: if we are free to do anything, why not suicide?

the OP's: question: if life has no inherent meaning, why not suicide?

responses: 

1. death is an exclusively reductive experience, but life is additive. If death is inevitable, might as well experience new stuff in life.
2. unsure if death is the right option
3. scared to commit suicide/ human nature of survival instincts
4. risk of complications from failed attempt, (which are subjectively worse than death itself)
5. social pressure (includes missing loved ones, not wanting to hurt close partners)

my counter-argument:

1. actually whether an experience is reductive or not ceases meaning once you die and lost consciousness. So the opportunity costs of experiencing potential new stuff should not be taken into account, as it is purely a decision made in the moment/ at this snapshot of time. Or maybe you have FOMO (fear of missing out) -- which is under point 5 (social pressure).
2. you never know an option is right or not unless you try it-- that's what they said. But you couldn't possible know either, you would be dead by then! And an attempt doesn't count because you are not dead.
3. me rn
4. me rn  -- though this puts us into the perspective that death is bad, instead of being a choice with neutral valence
5. if we solely discuss on one's personal choice, once you die, you would not feel such social pressure. Since you would not be here to observe the aftermath, if any. Though it is a bit difficult to be apathetic in this tightly knitted society, unless you have ASPD or live alone in some secluded environment and have literally no social connections and your parents weren't here anymore. I would say it is human to feel such emotions (this doesn't make you less of a human if you are apathetic).

It is kind of like quantum mechanics where you are actually unsure what will happen unless you observe it directly. But you can't because you would have already died. So everything after death is subjectively based on assumptions and personal faith. Thus there is no definite reason, hence inconclusive.

If we were truly free in our thoughts and actions, when one's desire to suicide overcomes point 3-4 (human inherent instincts of self-preservation), one would probably commit.

Thinking of suicide isn't really the problem itself, as it is just a benign question one would eventually stumble upon if they think of it. (Some people might deny, but in my opinion simply reading this sentence and thinking you don't want to, is included in what I describe as "thinking" here)

But one's wish to suicide being cherry-picked and to be comparable with, or even overcoming the wish for any other thing in existence? It may be worthwhile to think about what is driving the wish to suicide.

Human's inherent instincts also include avoidance of pain- physically, psychologically, socially, spiritually (total pain theory). Decisions are just made by resolving to an option with the lowest total pain made by a balance between these four quadrants of pain (plus perhaps personal values).

So there is no absolute choice and freedom because we are still inherently bounded by our survival instincts. We are just coded this way, so suicide isn't really a question. It is just a calculated decision.

===

Searched a bit on thrownness as well, as I thought it may be fitting. I once thought thrownness meant we have freedom in our choices and to deal with them moment-to-moment, but apparently not, and it made more sense.

As Google says about thrownness, "Your actions are always a response to the circumstances you were 'thrown' into."

"Our essential possibility is in our freedom to choose how to attend to our thrownness...Our being as possibility is shaped by the way we are with our thrownness." -- Heidegger (cited from this article)

Thrownness never said we have the freedom to choose what subsequent actions to do, it merely said we can change our outlook on our circumstances. (Though I feel it is a bit self-deceptive, but it is a discussion for another day.)

We are thrown into a trajectory anyways.

2 years!

 距離第一次見面已經670日了！（由24/11/2023起計）

670日無間斷想念，如果平均3日自慰一次，每次/日至少高潮3次，咁我就至少因為arthur而高潮670次！wow！

期間和arthur進行了69次session。平均7.5日見一次（沒想到其實真的很密和consistent）。如果撇除交流不在港的學期（約5.5月≈165日），=平均7.3日見一次！即每次見Arthur時我已高潮了快6次（至少）。

無用又帶一點惡趣味的數據分析。

今天又是希望Arthur多多想念我的一天。

根據過往數據，估計還有半年至一年的「迷戀期/瘋狂研究期」，之後興趣便會淡卻。不過這些資料有個confounder，就是兩年後皆因外界原因而自然地減少見面，也許這才是後來淡卻的原因。

另外不知為何，近日測出不一樣的MBTI。我不再是INFJ了，而是ENTP。但我還是覺得我是I人。也許是因為Ne Ni雙高，而Ne更勝一籌。好消息是這些cognitive functions的分數開始平均了點。每個功能都用得其所就最好了。

Scared

 Arthur asked why I still attended the exam, even if I memorised my candidate number wrongly.

Why bother studying if I want to die?

Today I missed an in-class quiz bc I didn’t go to school.

I guess I struggled to go to school (in general) before because I was scared what would happen if I didn’t. I was scared if I would actually give up studying/ going to class/ taking exams if I tried it once, because I knew missing it would not matter.

But why am I scared about that if I want to die anyways?

Do I actually wanted to die? It depends on the day. I am not sure.

Speaking of being scared, Arthur noted I am using a million ways to desperately avoid things (無所不用其極地迴避一啲嘢), which I agreed wholeheartedly and frustratingly. I think I am unwilling to admit I am very scared to even see what I am avoiding, so I don’t know what I am avoiding either.

He also brought up I told him ages ago that I didn’t trust him, to which I admitted but clarified I do trust him a lot more than others, but still not really trusting either.

I think perhaps I didn’t really trust anyone, not including myself, and I don’t know how trust is trust if we have to keep our boundaries maintained. As such I don’t trust myself in the ability to recover after seeing through my avoidance, if I have to open up my heart, and I don’t trust anyone in their ability to support me behind my back, because I haven’t truly leaned back onto someone reliable and supportive before. I just believe I would break.

I was almost determined last week to see a psychiatrist and get medication to fix my functioning, as I was bedrotting too much- not studying at all for the exam, sleeping almost all the time, showering every 5 days, omading the last few days due to lack of appetite… But when I finally began to feel my emotions and trying to articulate it through therapy, meditation eradicating my feelings is doing the opposite work. It seemed as if I have fallen into another opportunity for avoidance- of my own feelings and a chance to look inside of me.

Today afternoon I went to have lunch and watched Chainsaw Man: Reze with Charlotte and Ruby. It was interesting, but I was a bit drained and things seemed further away from me again. I skipped school and I was already this tired. The occasional thought of dying resurfaced briefly and it was okay. Walking home looking at the sunset, I was thinking, would it be better to feel my feelings vividly, with all the colours pounding before my eyes, or experiencing them through this pair of plastic gloves? I feel safer looking at it from a distance, but I could not taste it, nor see it clearly with my myopic eyes, and it is dull. But it serves its function of protecting myself from the agony of the unknown yet vibrant splatter of vomit, the giant and suffocating concoction of emotions.

I am just scared. To walk closer.

委屈

 Watched wonder egg priority and continued bedrotting in bed yesterday. I should really shower but didn’t. Sat in the bed in the dark and suddenly this huge wave of 委屈 just came as I was thinking back on the incident and childhood bullying and the hand touching thing. School, outside and the family were literally my world because they were where I spent my time on as a full-time student. But the things happened not because of what I wear, so it would be related to me as a person. I wondered if these things were common but I don’t think it was common to have such an extensive set of trauma (although mine weren’t bloody). I thought about getting chased at that specific table at the upper playground in primary with scissors, and succumbing to the concrete coarse floor right in the middle of the open playground after getting caught by the gang of classmates to tickle me. I still felt the texture of the ground and how “stony” it felt as I fell down and rolled over, as I looked up to so many classmate’s heads looking down on me and my body. I wondered how many wonder eggs would it take to redeem myself. And I was thinking maybe I already had PTSD when I was small, it was just that I didn’t realise having flashbacks was abnormal and I just tried to dish them away the next day I go to school.

I was just crying so much because I finally found the word to describe my feeling. I felt like it is a 天大的委屈. But there doesn’t seem to be a synonym for 委屈 in English. It is more than “feeling wronged”- it wasn’t really a right or wrong that I was judging about…

I wonder how come I was like this when my 八字 and astrology suggested my life be otherwise. But I already asked my mum again for my birth time- although she could only narrow it down to a range of half an hour.

It took me a week to submit my composition fee for the upcoming semester of uni because I was thinking maybe I wouldn’t be able to use it anyways. I might ditch Arthur since I really didn’t want to go to school. But then I thought things wouldn’t solve itself and I have already experimented that with my whole year 3. There isn’t another major that I am interested in enough, despite hating medicine now. And it pays well. There is no way out but to continue studying. And I miss Arthur a little bit. So I eventually paid.

I was also thinking, characters in the anime and ivan in his book seemed to handle their grievances well- at least better than me. But how come I am still upset over the same things in the past? It is like, if I feel unwell and go to sit in the waiting room, I wouldn’t find the duty counsellor to talk about it because it was just the same things again. There is no use and chatting a bit wouldn’t change my emotions completely to the issue. I guess literature is simply literature. Or it was something people hope for.

I feel like a squashed squishy with no more elasticity to rebounce. I was squashed to death by life.

Mum saw my swollen eyes when I sat at the dining table as she kept urging me to have dinner. She asked if I was crying a few times but I refused as I finished my dinner and headed back into my room.

The windows were a bit tempting but the thought was manageable. At least it wasn’t loud thoughts shouting internally in my head like back then in July. I didn’t want to cut either because the feeling of wanting to die was completely different from what you could relieve yourself from through cutting.

So I just cried to sleep.

Brief notes to mention

 Things to talk about in the next session:

- the hand thing (but tbh it got better the next day after i bite myself on the hand and watching two anime shows but i forgot one of them- the other is KNY S2) (that night was pretty bad though because the sensations of the touch cannot be overwritten by the pain- but now the touch does not reappear in my mind and i dare not to rethink about it lol i’ll just keep it that way i guess) (and i should really not correlate it with wearing shorts that day because i was wearing long pants when I got SAed so there should not be a correlation- and objectively clothing should not be a factor and I shouldn’t blame myself but my pants were really short that day aksjwksjsjfjsj)

- final eng class shit presentation where i panicked and stuttered and dead air oh my god cuz I recalled my unfair F6 eng SBA with that shitty discouraging Rita Fok; and my unreasonable interpretation that the teacher hates me when i said goodbye because he stared at me (it was quite obvious he did it for fun- he did this before to me for a few times bc i was always almost late every class and I took it well before and it was always with a bye) but this time without saying goodbye back to me, so like his final gesture was a stare and I was unhappy and a bit guilty about it but i knEW my mind was at it again bc he is always a fun guy/ gwailo. But tbh he has the reason to hate me bc my tardiness cause the class to wait for like 10 mins (max minutes before marking as “late”) before starting the assessments which means delay class end and i think everyone should dislike me bc i was like that for all like 10 classes (non assessment classes should be fine bc no one wants to learn english anyways)

- arthur sounded really impatient and frustrated when he replied to me one time but i forgot what he said but i was a bit upset but idk the content to be upset about. Another few mini times he seemed a bit judgy when he ask me if i still have some kind of paranoia idk man

- i realised whenever I rant or say things that I was very upset about (e.g. mentioning sentences that made me cry in my bed before) to wait for his response/ comfort, when I listen to his response I was simply filtering if I am happy/ feel good about his response / the response is acceptable to me, but I have never really listened to the content of his reply nor opened myself to feel his response. And I actually could not recall what he said. So maybe this is also one of the reason that I cannot get into my real emotions and entering a meaningful conversation where I would not try to divert the topic whenever it gets “boring”- because my intention was only to listen if his initial response was acceptable then I will move on and it is not really about diving into the topics

(Also my mum’s habit of changing topics was way way way more serious than me in the way that she don’t care a single shit and just violently changes like oh look at the TV! so tbh we didn’t have any meaningful conversation i think) i guess it shaped my way of chatting with others too

Hand

 I was wearing my headphones and shorts today and I was on the mtr on the way to therapy, and then a bald man with a luggage touched my hand which I was using to hold the handrail in order to signal me to move for him to get off the train. I didn't feel much but a slight :// so I didn't tell Arthur about it, but now I am back home and I started to feel it was super gross asfhdusiohf aoiw sjkdlf;sdjklfnv

Ew

cuz it was like using his hand to touch my hand. It is not tapping. dsfjhsdklfdsjklf ew ew ew ew gross

I need to tell him next week

I am trying hard to not get triggered

Also I updated my linkedin yesterday after finding out a lot of people did so and have a shiny cv, but today my account got temp banned... and I wasn't using my legal name so I couldn't proof with my ID bruh

(im)personal relationships and authenticity: 2

11 sept: the only finding I got so far is that I have ben avoiding the fact that my relationship with Arthur, and with some of my friends (e.g. my Sushiro group), are indeed very close. Like, esp with Arthur, is very very close. But I still don't really understand why I have been trying to stay blind to this fact.

I went shisha with my exchangemates and we established our momo squad (going for hair removal in shenzhen). Heard many crazy stories from them as well, for example this girl's current bf is a previous dru g dealer and her ex was also a weed dealer. And this girl wants more excitement that she couldn't obtain from daily life and sex so she and her bf went shoplifting in uniqlo and got caught etc...

I wasn't "needing" a hair removal but they wanted to so I am just going to go along. I told Ivan about it and I told him I don't even know what the fuck am I doing right now. I also told him maybe perhaps I am actually close to Arthur, but he immediately rebutted with the point that I don't even know him much, so this is not close at all

So I was a little bit upset about this good point but Ivan sounded happy in his audio messages, I asked him why and he say because I am finally begin to 上水, I was like g, but maybe next week I sink boat again sls, and I don't think I 上 yet

Can’t screenshot without him know because I’m using disappearing messages lmfao

12 sept: had gathering with my grass squad and drank a bit at the ktown promenade, while listening to different messy stories (of others) from friends. One of the story is a very sink ship girl and a very ultimate fuckboy who was still very in love with his ex. The sunk girl and fuckboy called each other every night and do slightly more intimate things like rubbing the girl's hair, leaning onto each other looking at each other very close (but the girl pushed the boy's face away lmfao what) etc, and they keep saying it is just a platonic friendship, but the girl obviously sunk ship, and one day the fuckboy stated clearly he does not love the girl at all and told the girl not to ff, and blocked the girl. The girl was very sad, and then the boy later apologised to the girl by saying he didn't think clearly, and then the girl sunk again.

13 sept: yesterday I was thinking if I am also the sunk ship girl but suddenly I kind of think I am sort of like the fuckboy in this case because I kept giving mixed signals

fuck

(im)personal relationships and authenticity: 1

 8th session today. I showed him my horny 大尺度傑作 and after reading he asked if this is a 春文 hahahahaah

also shared my brief death plan, and how I was crying yesterday night because I watched a photographer's trip to Aomori (one of the top places in my travel bucket list- for non-suicidal reasons), when I learnt that it was one of the places with highest snowfall and I spent the whole vid imagining which pile of snow should I lie and die on. And there was a scene of the photographer in an outdoor onsen, with all the snow surrounding, and I was wondering how come I would want to give up the coziness of the hot spring bath and choose to die in such coldness in the dark snow alone- it was quite 唏噓 honestly and I felt 矛盾 by my choice。(I think I delivered this point accurately in therapy with the correct emotion words impromptu without a script and I felt lowkey proud as a person who struggle to describe their own feelings.)

Also asked him about I thought I did cry previously during sessions, and he said yeah and back then he said "I haven't cried in front of him", I did cry when I was curling on the couch but he didn't see it. So my question was cleared. (I was lowkey amazed at how he remembered what he said an entire week ago, holy shit his memory was strong)

back to the title. Arthur was saying I was giving mixed signals of wanting him to be closer/ craving for a personal relationship with him yet I kept emphasizing he is replaceable in a sense that if another therapist was at his position I would've reacted the same to him. (Although actually I can't 100% replace because I am judgy towards Billy LOL- so he said there is still a personal aspect to it right?) He was wondering if I am wanting a personal relationship with him or an impersonal one, and if I am avoiding to admit something/ holding back/ 玩緊佢/ whatever, he was just thinking what's going on. I thought long and hard and I don't know. I also think I was kinda playing with him but it wasn't the main reason- at least I wasn't that evil and I actually need him and not treating him entirely like my toy imo. But I know my mind wanted to escape from this question so badly, because my mind was blank and ultra slow from thinking about this and instead many new topics popped up in my head. I told him I wanted but at the same time I don't and shouldn't and was scared if he really did turn this into a personal relationship, and then I gave some examples of real life merged with imaginary ones. But I am not entirely sure if I had encountered in a truly personal relationship in which I indulge wholeheartedly. So this question became a take-home question for me.

He also talked about being authentic in such a relationship but I forgot what exactly he said, oops. I recalled I think he wants me to be more authentic and thus he would also need me to verbalise instead of showing him my blogs and other word stuff, because I have already slacked off from my practice, especially on difficult topics many times that way lol.

First I think I should define what is a "personal relationship" and what's "impersonal". In Arthur's sense I think we were discussing on a basis of wholeheartedness, authenticity and actual closeness. But how close is close? Is it necessary to be 100% wholehearted in a personal relationship? How is authenticity different from honesty?

Checked my little journal book where I contemplated how "healthy" is defined (previous take-home question). In there after thinking if it should be compared between oneself or with others, I eventually arrived at the conclusion "About how values are defined by the person himself. Perhaps 'healthy' is the same". But now I was thinking I should refine my sentence a bit. It should be the "weight of such values" that is subjective. Values should technically have a general social consensus thus an objective definition, if it is purely based on personal opinion, the terms would not have a common meaning, or else we would be having a "hivemind" which was highly unlikely lol. And healthy/ healthiness should inherently be a subjective feeling and a description, not a value. Health is a value though, depends on how you see it. So they kind of worked differently but anyways the conclusion from the start still stands. Oh my this is getting abstract.

Wholeheartedness with a degree means it's subjective, same with closeness.

Authenticity I think this word gives me a one or nothing vibe (i.e. you can't be half-authentic that's not authentic, but you can be half-honest and give white lies??) so I guess it is a value.

(I lowkey think I shouldn't be breaking such an "emotional" thing scientifically into factors but it's too tangled so this is the only way I could do it to make my brain turn a bit)

... ate an antihistamine for my itchy body and now I'm drowsy. Maybe I will think about it tomorrow. I was already thinking since afternoon and it's enough. I have the whole week to ponder on this and face what I am trying to avoid.

minor edit: fed this diary entry to Claude and here is her response:

Would you like to explore:

What makes a relationship feel "safe enough" to be personal?

The function of maintaining distance while seeking closeness?

How intellectualization both helps and hinders processing?

What "authentic" means to you specifically?

cutting

 自討苦吃的一周。

週一沒有什麼特別，只是我曠課了。後來發現新的clinical academic advisor 負責這次的精神科堂。不過自從上次另一個醫生負責的精神科堂上她說她的病人是“a problem”後來病人轉走後她就沒有這個“problem” anymore，再加上她解釋的circumstantial thinking的例子是錯的，所以我覺得我沒有必要再上了。不過學習上就落後了，因為我也沒有補回看其他的課。媽媽問我看了沒，我說謊了。

週二。surgery bedside遲到，不過沒什麼。之後見arthur。討論一會兒覺得還是先不要EMDR了。我之後又在扯一些色色的話題，覺得很好笑。但是另一邊又在非常痛苦於為什麼又要靠這種方式逃避艱難的話題和無法表達自己的哀傷。笑得越大聲，心裡厭惡自己的聲音也變本加厲。所以，雖然這節咨詢我大笑著離開，但其實一點都不開心。

週三，整個CFB的唯一一天day off。我什麼都沒做。不過charlotte約我晚上出來吃飯。於是我就出去了一趟。

週四，被窗外燦爛和溫暖的陽光曬醒。本該是愉快幸福的一天。我去了大便。不過沒帶手機。於是有點悶。結果開始構思我的death plan。雖然不該。其實也沒有什麼開心不開心，但回到房間後又開始鎅手了。arthur不知道我還有一塊刀片。我感覺我背叛了他。不過下午有英文課，我問了Mancy她去不去，因為這節應該是最方便skip的堂。不過她竟然去。那我也去了。好像沒有人看到我手臂的紅印。不知道坐我左邊的同組Kim，或者tutor有沒有看到。

週五。早上med bedside我也繼續沒有貢獻。我什麼都沒有準備。而且我很怕。最後有兩個勇士去做了。（還有原來其他兩個女孩子都在吃抗抑郁藥。我開始越來越深信我們這組應該是有點毛病，因為暫時遇到的老師們都是比較nice的，與ivan描述他們組的簡直大相徑庭）吃完飯後我們組一起複習和看新的課堂影片。之後去了一個很有意思的超聲波課堂。每個人都可以嘗試用+被照。看到了組員們的肝臟、腎臟、肚子和醫生比喻作“巧克力”的腹肌！突然感到親密了許多，哈哈。我是最後一個照和被照的，然後我也跟醫生說我經常憋尿好怕腎臟壞掉了。剛好隔壁半組搞定了，就來我們這邊觀摩我了（問了我的同意）。結果我的腎臟沒有石頭，沒事！還看到我的膽囊很大（我組員的超小的），小腸好多空氣，醫生說看來我是餓了。（但我沒有飢餓感。）overrun了一個小時，但大家都很開心。回家的路上天空依舊很美，Alex說如果今天大家一起去海灘玩想必超適合的呢。大家都期待著下下週一起去海洋公園水上樂園玩呢。

週六。早上起來不太想動，於是讀了《亞人》的頭11本。因為第12本開始我的網站就沒有上傳上去，於是我放棄了。之後好像我哭了，但我不太記得因為什麼了。好像是因為我非常決定應該會死但因為這些組員的出現讓我又懷疑這個好不容易定好的決定。雖然還沒有確實的計劃。我想念著如果每天都可以像這樣一樣，過著一般、平凡又愉快的日子，就好了。每天一起上課，緊張地實習，愉快地幹飯，認真地學習，互相鼓勵、打鬧、聊八卦、商量出去玩。。。我只是想要。。。一個。。。一般人的校園生活呀。

小時候媽媽讓我選擇先苦後甜還是先甜後苦。我選擇了先苦後甜。但現在這些甜味，我卻已經感受不到了。往日的苦澀在口中永遠消散不去。我終於好像熬到了甜了。但什麼都沒了。

我不甘心啊。為什麼這一切明明好像不是我的錯。被父母欺負。被同學欺負。被老師污衊。被教授非禮。但好像走不出來的話是我的問題。我腦子的問題，我精神的問題，就是我的問題。

我感到好孤單。但我又表達不出我的悲傷。我對這副軀體恨鐵不成鋼。但好像我罵自己對自己苛刻也是錯的。反正我又錯了。但這樣批判自己也是不對的。我不loop下去了。

反正之後手又抽痛，頭也痛，但沒有緩解。問了AI估計是脫水了，因為我全天水沒喝，飯也沒吃。我沒有胃口。我喝了點水還是感到很糟糕。媽媽中途時不時問我吃飯不。我最後說我不舒服，她給了我沖了點檸檬水。之後我伏在坐廁上超級想嘔。聽到家樓下正隔壁的中元節表演嘈雜的戲曲聲讓我的頭痛和頭暈加劇，但又嘔不出來。不過又大便了。到這裡我都不知道是我太渴了，太餓了，睡太多了，還是太虛了又非常想死於是被好兄弟找上了。不知道是否因為是正日於是特別猛呢。但我不應該那麼迷信吧。但是我抓著之前因為對塔羅有興趣而買的一顆陪襯紫黑水晶倒是終於睡著了。

週日醒來眼眶很痛但頭痛和想嘔的感覺沒有了。躺了一會兒（幾個小時）眼眶也不痛了。終於去了洗澡（，然後媽媽又批判我的衣著和肚臍上的毛毛，明明我看到超聲波那天大家肚子都有毛毛，）然後就出門見我的壽司郎群組。一起吃牛大人。之後一起去MOKO逛街。剛好聊到我們小學的集體回憶，我也拿了我之前psyc寫的自傳作業給他們看。反正我們挺親密無間的。哈哈。之後我們去看了不同的守宮店，因為charlotte想養。最後去了趟超市我們就冒雨回家了。

現在夜晚應該掛八號風球了吧。有時候我覺得雷聲還挺舒服的。有種把我的委屈和哭聲都發洩給全世界人，“你不能不聽”的感覺。

唉。

我的世界的雨，什麼時候才會停呢。

food for thought

 therapy yesterday and we ditched (or postponed) the idea of doing EMDR because my feelings and the incident itself are too separated from each other + I think I couldn't come up with a "safe place" (as the therapy room is getting demolished lmfao)

We drew on the whiteboard to recreate and visualise the incident (just like how I did with Julie Chen) and I told him about the depersonalisation I had back then with that zoomed out aerial view so I wasn't really emotionally bothered when I was drawing it out on the board (which is also an aerial view).

My hands were shaky when I was drawing in first person in my iPad though. I tried to draw my vision when the incident happened but I still couldn't really think of what the dude was dissecting- but at least now I recalled he was holding a probe at one moment and scissors also. But that was too non-specific so I couldn't narrow down to which part of the body lol

I told him about my "obsession? compulsion?" of trying to figure out where the fuck did he dissected. It was once intended to guide myself to check what exact date/ lesson did it happen, but now it was simply just to satisfy my thought of completing the puzzle. He asked if this blank is actually a distractor to the bigger thing- the sexual assault itself. I was very intrigued as I have never thought of it that way. It feels like I wanted to avoid feeling it but I want to keep thinking about it and processing it. I told him this is a really good question and maybe it is.

Fuck he is so smart again awhoihdisalhfnjdafihlo wweeeeeeeeeeewwwww

Maybe I should also think "what purpose is [this] serving me?" sometimes he does share his thought processes (which is this question) and I guess this is useful

Then I also told him how I feel crying is as shameful as moaning, so I was too embarrassed to cry in front of others e.g. him. He was wondering how come it is compared to moaning (tbh idk too maybe because I was horny most of the time so this is one of the thoughts which came across), and said I've never cried in front of him, the most I've done is to curl up and weep a little. I asked him what is actually crying- like how loud how teary how sobby should it be in order to define it as crying- he was a bit confused? because it just happens naturally i suppose? (now I'm thinking his wording is 喊 which technically is sobbing so it's fair I haven't sobbed but tbh I think I kinda cried before?)

He said I seem not embarrassed for bringing up sexual topics, and I explained that's literally just like the incident. Describing the acts is separated from feeling the "things". It is just a description without carrying the emotions for it so I do not feel a single thing. But I would be too embarrassed to moan- or to cry in front of him, despite wanting to.

Anyways I told him about how my mom and dad would imitate me when I am crying because they found it funny. He commented 咁衰嘅? (I also find it so bad aaaaaaahh), and thus I stopped crying because it wasn't funny.

Hmm anyways the food for thought (I think I've used the same title in one of my previous entries as well- perhaps 2023 dec? or 2024 summer. I think it is right before an exam) is the puzzle distractor. Quite interesting. Yet I am not sure if I wanted to change it, because now separating them keeps me relatively mentally sane, but if I merge my emotions and the incident, then it would be too painful to carry as one whole luggage. However I guess I need to merge them in order to have my first step to healing??? Is there a way to avoid the pain? The pain of wanting to die but couldn't/ wouldn't? The torment by such thoughts in every waking hour?

random text

 i miss writing here

but I didn't have much to write

because the thoughts I have been having are repetitive and I think I have covered most of them in my blogs before already

I am just living in the past honestly

crying kinda hard every night until I fall asleep

and wake up to a brand new day by the radiant sunshine

life just goes on and my day is "refreshed" like a game

so why bother living another day? when all my emotions doesn't matter at the end of the day?

there is no difference living an extra day because nothing really changes and I am just back to my old self

I am waking up just to sleep again, where I would not be harassed (such an improvement) or disturbed, and not having suicidal thoughts and thus no chance of hurting myself in any way.

Nothing changes

should I actually go and see a doctor? But eating medicine makes me feel like I am useless in controlling my own emotion. But honestly perhaps I could've done so two years ago, I needed it far more back then. Now it's probably too late and unnecessary as my sadness isn't too painful I think. And I don't want to surrender my driver's license haha.

idk man

also there was this groupmate with social anxiety and one time she asked if I am also feeling the same (unprepared) for bedsides and I said yeah

what I didn't tell her is that she is much more braver than me though because she volunteered to do the examinations while I am just trying to hide myself

I can see a bright future ahead for all my groupmates although they might seem they are less academically competent than many that I know of. Although they might not know a lot of the things but they kept trying and trying.

Meanwhile I am still dwelling in the past.

diao!

 uploading my old diaries for backup and what the fuck HO KAM AH DIU😭😭😭我不行了

dream log

 my dream log website is DOWN !!! Can't believe. Perhaps I should backup my dreams here on my own website too. This is so stupid

Also I should import my old diary entries here- but it would probably take a lot of time and effort

---

so many dreams today again but not really "interesting"

one of them I was a 男娘 wearing oversized coat and very short pants, me and my 女僕frd (real female) are going on a trip to an european country, probably france/ italy, and we just got pass the border control entering the country. And the surroundings are different tax free shops and a lot of other travellers. And some male travellers catcalled me and I felt happy (even a bit thrilled) to be noticed albeit lowkey feeling slightly gross in hindsight. After getting my attention off this "event" I looked around for my female friend but couldn't see her. I walked out of the tax free corridor and entered the grand lobby to phone her, but she said she was already on the next country. I was a bit shocked. (however this dream felt recurrent to me because the lobby was familiar and her reply was the same for one of my dreams before)

the other dream I was queuing up for book fair/ random HK exhibition with my parents. And I saw a AC remote on the table next to me. As I was bored and I felt a tad bit too hot (26C), I wanted to change it to 25C. But I press the remote and the numbers fluctuate so much again (even worse than the one 2 weeks before), this time it can shoot up to like 100C and down to -300C or some shit. And I was annoyed so after trying to press many times I simply hold the button and see what number it jumps to and if I find it reasonable I lift my finger, but the way it jumped was completely random. And when it jumped to very low temperatures I could feel the frosty air blowing onto me and I was very scared, and it also does that for high temperatures. I was a bit freaked out by it so I cried in dream and yell for my dad to come help me (because they moved along with the queue but I was too attentive to the air con so I stopped in my steps)

(this is again aircon, what happened- what if it is a sign for me to not skip finishing the dream from before, maybe i shouldn't have started talking/ analysing the intensive dream last time- but I liked it)

---

looking back at my old diary I decided to redo the DES-II test from 2023/11/11

G im now 20.71 which is way lower than the previous 37.86 - I take that as an... improvement?

and it is ironic because back then I haven't recalled the incident which led to my PTSD- but I already had the symptoms for it and the test was yelling at me lmfao

fuuucccccckkkk do I actually have bpd whahsdfjkshdgkljsd waaaaaaaaaa

aftercare

 ok today i am still 發姣ing 😣💓💋（下刪1000字）老實講arthur遇到我呢啲癡線真係黑仔sls 可惜呀，你已經係我嘅目標對象你走唔甩

目前已知嘅三個client都係infj，而眾所周知“官配”應該係entp但係佢否認咗，咁唔通佢又係infj？四個一齊開infj專屬組會算了

but anyways i think the reason I like masturbating and do self-harm, piercing etc in general are because I like the aftercare part where I can tend and pamper myself

self-care box is also a form of aftercare

maybe I should also do some more trauma aftercare

i still think it is kinda difficult to do so because the basic infrastructure is shit and I need to rebuild the collapsed world from scratch

and then i need to tend and recultivate my inner child as well

in addition to all these uni work

speaking of which there is a clinical attachment opportunity coming up but im not sure if i should go for it or else with such shitty knowledge base I think I am attending just to ruin my name and reputation ngl

so i am technically a slasher with many different jobs - as a therapy client, as a caretaker, as a patient (i think), and as a full-time student! so actually I am working overtime.

I forgot if I have already mentioned it previously but I found those 帶病上學 and 復學 vlogs quite comforting to watch because my circumstances are different yet kinda similar?? though this week I've been avoiding watching 小紅書 because I'm pretty sure my algorithm is already too dark and I kinda get triggered/ had my mood worsened every time I use it lol. So that's why I am still relatively happy (on the horny side) and non-suicidal (only some of the times, but less desperate than previous weeks)（祈求唔好立flag真係生不如死）

排卵期妄言

 如何才能把你拽下皇位？面對著我那癡情的妄想，為何你仍然處變不驚？

不滿意於你那無動於衷的神情，我變本加厲地引誘你，激怒你；我又提起我窺視他的多個賬號，他問是我在關心他嗎，我怒了，這不是我預想的反應，為什麼他仍然悠然自得；我嘲笑他像渣男的髮型和以前為活動起的糟糕名稱，他仍然照樣聊天；我提起我最近的春夢，夢到我和他一起愉快地啪啪，他伸出手臂而我與他十指緊扣，我坐在他大腿上時我拉著他的手臂希望讓自己獲得一個緊密的愛的擁抱，我彎下腰讓他抓住我纖細的腰部，他有力的頂撞讓我呻吟不已......但他還是如常一樣聆聽著！

如何才能看到他那不為人知的一面？怎麼樣才能證明我是特殊的那一個？

我依舊分享著我使用玩具的愉悅。當然這包括我那親愛的利歐路玩偶。那隻我偶爾會帶去咨詢室的利歐路。與他電腦屏幕上擺放著的利歐路相呼應。這樣他就會不斷地想起我。震蛋在上，利歐路在下，濕潤的鮑魚隨著一下下的律動與他的臉相貼合，就像你在舔拭著我的閪一樣，津甜的淫液流滿你那美麗的臉龐、鼻樑、嘴巴......我想看到你為我而眼神迷離、呼吸淺促、臉紅耳赤，我想聽到你那澀情的喘氣、利用我的身體時情不自禁地淫叫、充滿愛意和激情地呼喚我的名字，稱讚我，責罵我，羞辱我......回想起咨詢中你人畜無害的發言，如今可歪曲成極為色情的念頭——“咁你蝦我啦” “坐返低！” “起身” “啲隔音冇乜用”——多麼富有拉扯力的、可隨時互換位置的支配與臣服！

你已習慣我利用我與你的春夢和無盡的幻想作為自慰的燃料。我為你在不眠之夜中舒服到顫抖，高潮到伸出柔軟的舌頭，享受著這般曼妙的感覺而流淚；濕潤的洞口一張一合，靜待你的加入。你也會為我射嗎？去年咨詢室白板上被我刮走的兩滴令人不禁遐想的蛋白色液體，到底是什麼？你是否也在某一天的一刻中也為我情不自禁？

我甘願做你的小三，或者我將來有錢後包養你成為我的奴隸，幻想著彼此在不應踏越的邊界外進行不可描述的事情，以求證明我被在乎著。

反正我都被惡心的博士非禮過，整個童年都被不同的人欺凌過，我的尊嚴已成為糞土，我的身體已成為供人愉悅的物品。如果我可以選擇被我所愛著的人這樣對待，而他也是愛著我的話，這已經是天賜的獎勵......

或者，如果我過早死去的話，我希望轉生做一隻小貓，被這位善良而愛我的博士領養，每天都可以沐浴在愛與溫暖之中，又可以光明正大地坐在他的胯上，親吻著他的耳朵、他的嘴唇——當著他妻子的臉。

https://bdsmtest.org/r/wGRUNm9s