Things to talk about in the next session:
- the hand thing (but tbh it got better the next day after i bite myself on the hand and watching two anime shows but i forgot one of them- the other is KNY S2) (that night was pretty bad though because the sensations of the touch cannot be overwritten by the pain- but now the touch does not reappear in my mind and i dare not to rethink about it lol i’ll just keep it that way i guess) (and i should really not correlate it with wearing shorts that day because i was wearing long pants when I got SAed so there should not be a correlation- and objectively clothing should not be a factor and I shouldn’t blame myself but my pants were really short that day aksjwksjsjfjsj)
- final eng class shit presentation where i panicked and stuttered and dead air oh my god cuz I recalled my unfair F6 eng SBA with that shitty discouraging Rita Fok; and my unreasonable interpretation that the teacher hates me when i said goodbye because he stared at me (it was quite obvious he did it for fun- he did this before to me for a few times bc i was always almost late every class and I took it well before and it was always with a bye) but this time without saying goodbye back to me, so like his final gesture was a stare and I was unhappy and a bit guilty about it but i knEW my mind was at it again bc he is always a fun guy/ gwailo. But tbh he has the reason to hate me bc my tardiness cause the class to wait for like 10 mins (max minutes before marking as “late”) before starting the assessments which means delay class end and i think everyone should dislike me bc i was like that for all like 10 classes (non assessment classes should be fine bc no one wants to learn english anyways)
- arthur sounded really impatient and frustrated when he replied to me one time but i forgot what he said but i was a bit upset but idk the content to be upset about. Another few mini times he seemed a bit judgy when he ask me if i still have some kind of paranoia idk man
- i realised whenever I rant or say things that I was very upset about (e.g. mentioning sentences that made me cry in my bed before) to wait for his response/ comfort, when I listen to his response I was simply filtering if I am happy/ feel good about his response / the response is acceptable to me, but I have never really listened to the content of his reply nor opened myself to feel his response. And I actually could not recall what he said. So maybe this is also one of the reason that I cannot get into my real emotions and entering a meaningful conversation where I would not try to divert the topic whenever it gets “boring”- because my intention was only to listen if his initial response was acceptable then I will move on and it is not really about diving into the topics
(Also my mum’s habit of changing topics was way way way more serious than me in the way that she don’t care a single shit and just violently changes like oh look at the TV! so tbh we didn’t have any meaningful conversation i think) i guess it shaped my way of chatting with others too
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