musical canvas

nothing special I just made this thingy

fits the vibe of this blog

https://g.co/arts/wJuykpwk2LLQicGX9

我想走走。

 我想走走。去一趟旅行。放一趟長假。

看到脆上的貼文。「我想跟世界請一段長假。」

於是我想。從前的我覺得，世界容不下我。我想與之告別。

但我開始思考，「世界」，是「我眼中的世界」而已嗎？

當時的我只感受到世界之廣袤與它那出奇的、令人窒息的狹隘。

儘管咨詢室給了我一個容身之所，一個不受世界崩塌而被擊潰的安全區域，

但可能，在我羽翼從骨折中癒合時，在回復元氣之時，來趟「宇宙旅行」。一場探索世界，探索自我的旅程。

有關發現自我的課題，收穫不大也沒關係。也許探索過程中我也悄悄地成長了。或者，感受沿途的快樂、大自然的浮光掠影，便已足夠。

離開諮詢需要勇氣。但既然我報了學校交流，也蠻決定和期待去，那即便沒有那麼大的勇氣，諮詢還是要終止的⋯⋯

倒數九次。

他問我，我不想痊癒嗎？

我回答：不知道！

他好像有點生氣。他說，至少我沒有敷衍地說想。

但我真的不知道。

我知道有一部分的我確實不想好起來。但另一邊我倒也想自己康復。

我不知道哪邊更大。我不知道我整體的答案應該是哪個。

但可能我這樣回答看起來有點反叛吧。我不知道。可能他覺得我在阻抗。因為我後續回答了更多不知道（那些倒確實是阻抗）。

不過他也說看我的夢，感覺到有些東西確實變了。好像我不再那麼「被困」了。

也許，困著自己的，始終都是自己吧。

人的想法真有趣。

說起「有趣」，它現在是我的口頭禪。

壞事？有趣。

好事？有趣。

傷心事？有趣。

愉快的事？有趣。

奇怪的事？有趣。

平淡的事？有趣。

有趣這個詞還蠻有趣。

荒謬、享受、奇異、喜感、好奇、滑稽。

通通用「有趣」就能概括。

導致有時候「有趣」的事其實不有趣。甚至很令人傷心。甚至心碎。

荒誕呀。

什麼時候到我

 

天天在等輔導組快點發電郵給我，但一直沒有
快點
快
啊




好像會發電郵叫我預約時間跟他們打電話，讓他們了解大致情況，再分配一個合適的咨詢師給我。
好像是：我為啥要找，情況持續多久，我的過去/還是病史？（history），想要男還是女的咨詢師，第一次咨詢什麼時候有空去。
我不如先寫下我要說的東西吧。因為好像只有大概10-20分鐘的通話。
因為我也不知道我想要什麼。


首先問：你這個分配咨詢師的staff是醫學院的人還是輔導組的？你會把我的資料分享給醫學院嗎？這些對話會記在病史嗎？到時候會影響工作嗎？你是誰？

對不起 我不太相信。但我需要這個服務。
不好意思我說話不是很好，常常抓不住重點。大事會聽起來很小事，導致人人不以為然，但小事被旁人化成天大的事情，有無妄之災。所以我預先準備好一份稿，希望能簡短又cover曬我想講的東西。。。

我為啥要找

我想找尋一個最佳答案，但我知道這些問題沒有答案。
我一直很容易忘記不開心的事（也忘開心的事），導致一直被壞人佔便宜，也因為很好人，幫好多人背鍋。
不相信一些好多人說過有，而我堅信沒有的痛苦的事。
但暑假閒來無事，突然抓住飄著的思緒，終於記起了這些事情。也相信了旁人的話。

（具體：
被A欺負但我不知道，一直是好朋友，雖然後面覺得不對路，但無法離開，因為每年都同班，無法翻臉，而且有很多同學和家長之間的聚會和聊天，群體很親密，所以不能了斷。中五中六A終於去了英國讀，但她已經在早年小學和初中把我的學校歷史搞得很差，所以還是限制了我高中可以參加的活動，錯失了很多機會。而且A的朋友們還在和我同一個學校，但他們應該不知道A的壞，所以A可以隨時利用他們來害我，所以還是有點怕。終於考上醫學院，但A竟然也考到了，就很他媽的崩潰，到時候工作又會碰頭，而且未來醫學院又會新增許多A的傀儡。很擔心。因為上年下學期又他媽的同一組，我知道她已經有一個我的把柄，可以隨時把我report）


（什麼思緒：中二的時候，我很喜歡班主任，應該算是仰慕吧，我也不知道。然後突然被污衊說我有這個老師的不雅照片。班主任和副班找我問話，信誓坦坦的樣子。我雖然拍了很多她的照片，但都是在公開場合，例如學校旅行，或者運動會，上課，而且我不會搞這些不倫不類的東西，這是我的道德底線。但我嚇著了，又沒有遇過這種情況該怎麼應對，有一刻真的在回想自己究竟有沒有拍過這種照片。我又沒有問老師要證據。但我因為沒拍過，所以我也沒有證據。所以我百口莫辯。最終搞了很大的事，全校班主任開會討論，最後決定不踢我走，因為我中一中二成績第一第二，（而且樣子不錯）。一直媽媽在跟我說是A的所作所為，但我沒相信，因為感覺他們應激在胡說。這件事我到八月才願意相信，因為媽媽把A的所作所為提供了更多背景資訊，來龍去脈，之前跟我說的時候沒跟我解釋過，現在我如夢初醒，更加害怕A），這只是其中一件事。每年有一到兩件這樣奇怪的事。最後好像都是A搞的。他媽的

小學被A故意排擠，不讓我玩，天天跳繩我做揮繩子那個。兩三年吧。其他同學也沒有幫我。不過這已經算是小事了。其實在其他大事面前不值一提。

因為我害羞不交朋友。但好像當時我的人緣其實很好的，大家都喜歡我，投票做班長等職位，拉我去他們組做小組作業。所以大概學業上我有自信。
但我不主動找新的人玩。所以玩方面只能和A在一起。導致不是學業上的事情，就腦子有毛病。


小五小六甚至做了兩個風紀：學校風紀+校巴風紀。還差點做了大隊長風紀，可惜說話不太行，所以位置讓給了一個我覺得很好的同學（不是重點）。反正我很重視我風紀的職位。因為我得到認可，也賦予了我權力。但是！原來八月份我想起來媽媽之前說過但又沒相信，小學畢業禮，風紀名單上，沒有我的名字。我在不知道的情況下被除名了。（雖然我還是覺得這件事和A有關係嗎？不肯定。）

中五中六，大概因為中二的大過，所以也沒有當上風紀。而且很多活動名額我被刷下來了，除了一兩個單純以成績排名定奪的比賽名額和外部發的獎狀。

而且，在中學對我特別好的老師（正常或很好，反正沒有搞事的老師），都在教完我這屆後辭退或退休了。至少5個。我覺得跟我有關。（mo leung, roy li, r luk, c chui, a tsang...）


善忘讓我忘記別人對我的壞，所以一直在“寬恕”壞人，然後他們越來越惡，因為我好欺負，導致惡性循環。


-而我知道往年通常考完試，情緒會最差。所以想預先來。而且現在已經是比以前“最糟糕”的階段更糟糕。無法想象考完試後會怎麼樣。很害怕壞掉的自己。不想病。所以來咨詢。

情況持續多久

這次由八月份開始，到現在了，應該三個半月吧。。頭兩個月（八至九月）很痛苦，沉浸在過去。但十月開始好像漸漸不是只為了往事而苦惱。有點易怒。十一月現在是很不開心，但我找不到原因了。而且這個月有點顫抖，這個星期身體有點像jelly，啊啊啊，抖抖抖，手也抖，昨天手指頭也有點痛？今天手腕有點酸
這次無法走出來了。

以前中學如果這樣的情緒，只會維持三天至最長兩星期。然後我可能忘記了，就沒有情緒了。或者我把它放在一旁了。然後就像潮水一樣席卷而來。通常因為成績好，所以得到誇獎就會好一些。但這兩年醫學院讀得不是很好（因為背書很差，健忘），所以沒有被誇獎。就不是很好。

我的過去/還是病史？（history）

我從小是一個很腼腆的人。獨生女。家人們都很愛我。但感覺小時候蠻孤單的。在舊屋我在床上，看著走廊的鏡子，鏡子裡有時候會有媽媽的樣子（她在另一間房間），但沒有眼神接觸，沒有回應，很悶，很悶。
腦袋也空白的。覺得很荒蕪。空虛。

但我爸媽堅持說我小時候的活動超級豐富，看了一整套迪士尼world family呢。
我記得我有見過，但這個活動佔的時間很少。


有次媽媽在我身旁（床上）打長途電話，我想她理我，然後把玩具小塑料粒粒青蛙一系列全在她面前逐粒逐粒吞掉了，確保她看到，應該有七顆吧。她還在打電話。等我吞完了，再過一段漫長的時間，她終於掛斷電話，然後帶我去伊利莎伯醫院照x光。沒啥事，醫生找不到小青蛙們，就回來了。

--學前

--幼稚園到小學
天天放學媽媽帶我去中央圖書館。喜歡看書。終於在小五的時候把中央圖書館兒童層的書看。完。了。（註：不包括百科全書、青年言情小說）
後來就留在家裡了。

有時沒去圖書館的小學日子，好像有段時期回家就哭，打枕頭，好像和A有關。學校小息也悶悶不樂，一直扭手帕，在手帕上綁結，宣洩鬱悶。現在看起來好像這不是一般人沮喪的表現。



A的事
A2癢癢
A3也是朋友吧，但她小學拿住剪刀小息追住我笑嘻嘻地跑，想剪我頭髮。有點怕怕但覺得是同學之間的打鬧玩耍。。。
他媽的為什麼都是A開頭的名字，但我想要的咨詢師也是A開頭的。。？

附加資料：
覺得自己有點膽小，很多東西都害怕。害怕被人偷東西，所以不能離包包太遠/不敢上廁所。
怕癢癢。因為小時候爸爸和我玩就是癢癢，癢到在地上打滾還在癢我。另外另一個小學同學A2，應該算是好朋友吧，組織了半班的同學一起突然在小息時在操場“群攻”癢癢我，很怕，哭了。後來有其中一個同學道歉了，所以我心裡好過了一點。但還是怕癢癢。

害怕意外（小時候經常發惡夢，扶手電梯，電梯，過馬路，跨過地鐵車廂中間的縫隙，手被夾，被蚊拍電）
害怕突然大叫被催促（小學游泳比賽更衣室被針對地罵很慢，催促）
害怕說話被誤會意思，被污衊，被惡意地歪曲我的意思
害怕被人利用，但又害怕自己對朋友沒有用途，這樣朋友們會離開我。雖然不太讚同“朋友就是互相利用的關係”，但無法改變社會


不喜歡自己步伐有點奇怪（中學突然忘了怎麼走路，現在右腳應該正常，但左腳踏步聲不太一樣）
不喜歡自己的聲音，尤其是英文，原本已經害怕說話。然後更加害怕。（初中被A嘲笑像鄉音）我已經在努力改變，這個暑假也嘗試英文直播打機，也自信了一點。但我直播的時候我爸經常在嬉皮笑臉地看我，甚至學我，我感到不自在。雖然我媽說我爸喜歡我才嬉皮笑臉。但我不喜歡。我板著臉他們又覺得我小氣。
（因為我們家不能關門。）



不信任其他人，但我又沒有主見，所以我也不知道要怎麼做。一直以來父母要我相信他們，所以我一直跟著他們的指導。他們的指導通常都是正確的。但我好像不是在為自己做打算，我不是在活著屬於自己的人生，感覺自己有點廢。
（而且生活大小事好像都是他們做了，我只負責讀書。搞到我有點自卑，因為我不太會洗衣服和洗頭。。。。。。。啊。。高分低能）（現在更焦慮因為我只負責讀書，但我這樣子成績也不好）

我同學問我，既然你相信父母，那為什麼你要寫日誌。
我突然不知道怎麼回答。

可能因為我說過的話，後來媽媽會把我的苦惱變成罵我的論點，讓我更加痛苦。所以不想分享了。
而且好像他們的安慰雖然一次很好，但如果我重複再說同一個苦惱，媽媽會覺得很煩，就不安慰了，好像變成罵我了。
所以很多事情沒有被解決。

想要男還是女的咨詢師

大概想要男的吧，畢竟我覺得女的不太可靠（抱歉，我有點歧視。。。）不好的回憶裡絕大部分都是女的。
可能想要和我朋友一樣的那個，感覺好像蠻好，因為現在暫時信任我的朋友

第一次咨詢什麼時候有空去

15/11 2:30-4:30, 16/11 早-4pm, 17
18 19 不太行因為大概要留在家裡練習OSCA, 22下午不行
23/11直到3/12有空。4/12要考試了。

---
算了我也不知道我要寫什麼。

 

 

評論：

1樓

是走了至少6個老師，想起來最後一個，blythe，啊啊啊啊曾經有點crush，怎麼忘了我靠

 

2樓

還有學車到最後幾課和考試都差點撞車，幸好老師、模擬考官和考官都煞車了。。。因為我沒專心吧。。或者誤會模擬考官意思就跟他意思切線，但我知道要等主車道的車先走，但我害怕緊張，所以硬著頭皮轉了。。。

 

3樓

還有A是跟蹤狂，整天小學在跟蹤我，連廁所又要跟著，365天日日如是，幾年，超級崩潰。媽媽說她應該喜歡我想和我一起玩。反正我當時快瘋了我靠他媽的

 

4樓

我靠，突然發現我小時候到現在不會吞藥片和藥水的緣由。。小青蛙。。

 

 

同日的說說：

辅导组发电邮给我了。。。明天就能打电话分流。。。。。。。。。。。呜呜呜呜呜呜

再多一天

多一天

一天

再

 

 

都不是愛呀。

 合格了。

完結了。暫時。

這次的再會和再見沒有去年那麼痛。只有不捨。但沒有上次那種鑽心的痛。因為我相信我們會再見的。

讀了去年的日記。尷尬得腳趾扣地。啊啊啊啊啊

考前有一個半小時的課。原本還早到了。於是慢慢用散步的步速走去駕駛學院。感受沿途的景色。嘗試mindfulness（我好像沒有提過我上了四個星期的mindfulness呢！（作為研究的一部分）感覺非常有用！而且這個時機不錯！如果是去年的話，我覺得當時的心境不太適合mindfulness。現在平靜下來而且少了biased地看自己，更能嘗試「清楚看見」。我覺得「友善地」對待自己還是很難。不過我在嘗試。）

到了駕駛學院，我決定還是聽一會兒喜歡的平靜的音樂而非那些mindfulness錄音。嘗試讓自己get into a relaxed和cozy的狀態。

C老師whatsapp我，原來他去了洗車。我早到的話，可以先去路邊等他。

走出等候室，一個人影在遠處向我揮手。定睛一看，是他呢。在等車洗好。

可愛。

（靠這也可愛什麼

記起好像上次他也是在我考試前把車洗了。小小的儀式感。

去兜了一個半小時的風。嗯⋯嘗試背了路線，不過那種二開三的線還是容易搞混。另外三點考試的話，有一條線會鄰近兩所學校，駛過去三點半剛好放學就好多學生。

越來越緊張。而且如果這次也不合格的話，將來就超級卡，因為我去年的成績（泊車、三手掉頭、斜路停開）25年4月就到期，但我又exchange，難道要重新考？那好stupid。考又不是不考也不是，就算去短期（非指定導師），也最少要三個月。但我已經飛了。難道不在駕院考嗎？

啊啊啊啊 好焦慮。然後又想到今早arthur說但我又切錯線⋯很緊張⋯⋯但這次我是比上次有信心合格，因為我至少不會太太太overthink其他司機的企圖，從而不會胡亂換線

雖然緊張的時候，前方路的幻覺會加重，這次比上兩節課更嚴重（in terms of 速度）。停定後車前的路會感覺一直在warp，可能拉遠可能拉近，或者有點點凹陷，車則感覺在倒後/向前（depends）

不是車的問題。

而且去年是側窗only，這次是車前面only。（好像上篇也說了）而且這次排除了前車熱氣的物理效應，因為我特意預留了很多空間（去觀察地），而且之後在紅綠燈第一個，我也還是看到了，而且我覺得地向內（移動地）凹陷很難有物理現象解釋到

而且現在是我跟自己說，「這是假的，地和車沒有動」，沒有效果。去年側窗的時候這樣默念是有一半機會會停掉。

唉。我也不知道這是不是很嚴重。

反正之後就考了。我不用等就立刻可以上車等考官。一開始在想是不是又是老伯伯。結果一個蠻好看的女孩子走過。樣子年輕，端莊，髮型和ruth（短髮版）和academic advisor一樣。我想，如果她來就好了。結果她上了我的車！！！！！！！

欸嘿嘿嘿嘿

黑頭髮捏～比她們倆都年輕捏～

核對資料。聲音好好聽⋯⋯為什麼都那麼好聽⋯⋯嗚嗚嗚嗚

但我不能誇她，否則有賄賂考牌官的嫌疑，現在抓得蠻緊的。雖然好想說她好好看⋯⋯

反正我就放鬆了。也順利的考好了。多石線+迴旋處。算是簡單的線。去年也是考多石線，不過忘了轉左還是右。應該是另一個分支。

我好專注路面，沒真的看她樣子。除了上車那一刻有正面，和核對資料的側面。還有紅燈時飛快地看她的那幾眼。

新crush。但我連她連是誰都不知道。都是投射罷了。

考試成績單上，她的編號是228。

哈，在想之前給arthur的代號就是二八。（普通話讀起來像）

都是投射罷了。

而投射的對象也不是我真正「愛」的。

可笑。可悲。

沈浸在自己的幻想中，無法自拔。

究竟「愛」是什麼？

我不明白。

愛一個人因為你欣賞她有但你卻沒有的東西？那和欣賞有什麼區別？

愛一個人因為你想和他過一輩子？那為何朋友不行？fwb不行？

愛一個人沒有理由？「感覺對了」？那不就像我以前不明白為什麼那麼喜歡老師一樣？只是自己沒想到為什麼會對這種人有attachment？

anyways。從考試等候室走去大等候室。我愉快地釋放我的喜悅。他走在我外面，在我左邊。我走路的時候還有點歪，無意中蹭了蹭他左身和腿。到等候室後講解了如何申請暫准駕駛執照。我問他能不能合照。可以。我問他那種網上拿著P牌在車頭拍的是什麼，他說那通常是買了車才買P牌的呢

反正他在想找另一個拿相機。然後不過他的車還有點遠，我就說噢，那算了。他立馬說可以的就是要問問下一節課的同學。她到了。

那個同學好chill呢。好呀沒問題，她說。

我們三個走到C老師的豐田小車車。那個女孩子在後面看電話。我問C老師究竟他有多高。他說178，standard size。（hmmmm但感覺高度不止呀—可能我161不太能感覺到—只感覺這些都很高）（這個⋯size有點妙，雖然他下幾句在補充了關於身高的東西）（嗯⋯？）

（ps我覺得他的車車好乖巧可愛。揸上去有踏實但一點點俏皮的感覺。）

他把學車的牌黏回去了。（我猜那個女孩子應該是租車兜風的，所以不用學牌）

她幫我們拍了好多（4張）照片！有豎的有橫的！還把相機放低一點顯腿長！

在想，可能他對所有人都是那麼好/就是這樣子呢。或者只是想推銷他的課程。

他對我有沒有特別意思？還是只是我想多了呢？

反正我覺得他肯定杜絕了發展關係的可能性。但好感這方面⋯⋯可能吧。

反正就這樣。

而且星盤那個app還是蠻準的。它說我今天可能會遇見來電感應的人。啊哈！

反正考車順利。

離別的議題沒有去年那麼痛苦。但嚴格上不算離別。因為我之後大概率會找他 （兜風）。

有點想念228呀！一面之緣。

還有Roy。

我有解釋過為什麼他叫C老師嗎？因為他姓崔。我以為C開頭，所以C老師，但原來是Tsui。

1037。

石門。充滿回憶的好地方。

承載著眼淚和笑聲的「1037」、道路、巴士亭、隧道和城門河。

聆聽我的、總是很穩定的Roy。C老師。

只有一面之緣的DE228。

不枉一年多的等待。

謝謝。和再見。

最後也感謝自己一年來的成長。

耳邊的歌也被隨機切換到好きだから。去年這段時間不斷、不斷、不分晝夜地聆聽的好歌。（多麼的沉船呀！）

我靠（有點不太文雅），下一首又是當時聽的花と水飴、最終電車。

彷彿是一個首尾呼應。

這篇用電話打，這個反智輸入法，搞到太慢了。好像有三個小時。

就在這裡留下⋯⋯一個破折號吧。

難道只是感激嗎？？！？！？！？！？！？？？

今天是今年頭十個最快樂的一天。

本來很擔心駕駛+下午的佛教quiz。昨天所有（有關學業的）東西都擔心和沮喪一次（因為有個考試考得不好因為我沒有背）（然後不少人都reply story安慰我（我不是很嚴重但是他們（不熟的close friend list人）覺得我很少放負（<--同學說的不是我猜的！）今天放負所以dm？（這是我猜的））

anyways 他們安慰+我自己做了點mindfulness然後好了一點（主要是mindfulness）

不過早上6點睡

早上8點起來，早上學車

不是很累，可能因為roommate很溫柔地順便叫我起床了（重點是她起床會告訴我用途e.g.我要學車->然後我才會：哦對哦！然後才起來。）

早到10分鐘，心情很好。昨天的所有lecture 和tutorial都早到了。

lecture有史以來第一次準時到。（而且因為要實行behavioural change plan，我的是準時到）每次和我坐一起的中學同學感到很驚奇！roommate的男朋友也看到然後走過來表達驚奇！然後後面的tutorial同學跟我說欸你準時欸！！！！（tutorial和lecture是不同psyc course）太棒了！！要獎勵自己哦！！ （因為project supposed要give reward or punishment）

大家都稱讚我，我感到好開心啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊我的“努力”被看見了！！

於是lecture後面的三個tutorial都早到了。今天的學車也早到了。

（可能這個準時是因為上次另一個lecture我遲了整整50分鐘，然後我一進去剛好放break，我和同一個中同訴說（因為她也take這個course），結果也被另一個tutorial的同學提及：哦那天其實我就坐在你正後面！記得你說坐了不夠兩分鐘就break了wwwww）（tutorial不是同一個同學）

好多人呀啊啊啊哈哈哈（或者我們已經成為了朋友？？wwwww）

ANYWAYS不是這個日記的重點！啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

okk上面是很開心，學車也是，Roy（C老師）又出現了哈哈哈啊哈哈哈！！！！其實一看到他的時候我已經放下了。不過，我靠，我知道為什麼我當時那麼喜歡他。聲音真的好！好！聽！！！！！！！！！！！！！啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

不過原本也沒有high

C：hii好耐冇見 最近點呀係咪都係好忙www

我：好耐冇見~好好多喇~

（對話繼續）

anyways我在場內兜了兩個圈，我就要出大路了！！

C:好似我冇yai單車幾年，但係上手又揸得返

我：嗯~

揸車很順利！！！！！！！

（雖然中間有次記錯路口以為係要轉彎時lam過隔離條線，跟住食咗人哋條線sls）

C：個司機令轉頭望咗你一眼wwwww

我：oh wwwwwwww

---

等紅燈ing

無端端隔離架貨車出發了

我望燈，紅嘅

C望燈跟著一邊指住佢一邊伸手㩒個but but（bruh i forgot what's that called）

我哋目送佢揚長而去

爆笑ing

---

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊好好玩啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

佢仲記得我上年評論啲景色（有樹嘅路（wwwww））

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

同埋我又記得點解當時咁鐘意佢

聲音超好聽，超溫柔但是我覺得他如果要dominant也可以一定程度上dom起來

溫柔過arthur lor

or maybe arthur係“帶著一點火爆脾氣 fuck the world 的溫柔”？？？佢嗰隻係“隨和的 i dont really care 的溫柔”？？

不過溫柔又不等於愛

不過我感覺被輕輕地溫柔地托著就是了

總結：心情好像棉花

我覺得唔止感激 lor

（如果得感激我覺得好sad lor，咁都唔算喜歡？？？）

如果中學老師crush係體現在ドキドキ嘅心

咁C老師係令我感到ふわふわ嘅整個身體（不過呢個感覺之前有兩次therapy session完都有呢個感覺，一模一樣。一次咁啱有出post：2024年2月23日？完全忘了那天究竟說了什麼，我看了我的“快樂的”霧中小窩日記，但怎麼我感覺完全不快樂啊？？）

OH

LMFAO 我看了我的schedule book，當天上面畫了隻可愛的小狗，附註“舔狗！”

OK SLS ok so it was probably about that

SLS

huh why。。。。。errr 鬧完舔狗感覺很fuwafuwa係咩料wwww

可能係因為“被接納”？like我揸車出錯C老師唔會鬧我；我批評arthur佢都冇鬧我

ehheeheheh idk

。。。oh咁可能真係唔係愛

啊啊啊啊哎

唉反正痛哭流涕very briefly跟住開始寫日記+roommate返嚟就冇喊

原本痛哭流涕前係全日因為真係好開心所以好想喊（like一種難得終於品嘗到不嬲都feel唔完整嘅快樂嘅好rich嘅味道/顏色）（同埋個人真係好平和，C老師個vibe俾我一個非常平和同自在嘅感覺，我甚至覺得成績呢啲外在嘢似乎真係一啲都唔重要，最重要係當下我真係享受緊呢個如此快樂嘅moment）（全程由揸完車到返hku段路係度真微笑 兩邊面都笑）

aha

maybe暫時唔使糾結於呢個係咪愛掛。

不過確實好想知

----

oh 同埋揸車今次唔係右邊窗出面倒後，宜家係前面wwwwww不過好彩都係停定先開始有呢個感覺。所以只要堅持拉手剎入空波就冇事

真心唔係架車問題

我有諗過係咪物理有啲咩地下好熱就有海市蜃樓嘅效果，不過個issue係右邊冇wor，上年係得右邊有前面冇

or maybe我唔夠瞓

----

unrelated

有段時間無端端啲diary fuck you，其中一個原因（other than其他已經go though過嘅原因）係因為。。。。。。。

。。。。

err

因為

因為之前你“食物中毒”跟住我喺個diary祝你get well soon同埋安慰你考唔到醫學院不過你冇反應，所以有啲破防。。。。。。。。errrrr yeah 跟住我就嬲咗。。。。

errrrr diu我有啲神經質

CLS

唔通真係有啲bpd wwwwwwwww

感覺好多嘢mix埋一舊

anyways真係有啲（非常）好奇究竟我個case寫咗啲咩wwwwwwwww

what should i do??????

 dream back on 10 Oct, about how my roommate cuts her entire arm and it got bloody, when I thought she was studying

fuck bro we both suicidal and self harm, (idk if she's currently like this too) (and idk what methods she self harmed before- not too important anyways) but FuCK i was so worried about you

i mean her

but UEAGsdfusofhdj

shes still in precontemplation about going to therapy because she got betrayed back in her older uni therapy centre/ told her advisor + classmistress + dept head + parents + all that kind of shit

so it was very understandable to not try another uni wellness service

but then if she is like this i was really worried if she would get even worse and eventually actually getting worser than worst and fucked up her brain and shit like ive done previously

aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i dont want to see this happen in others

it's like watching this as a bystander but I can't really help and it would be bad and unwise for me to push her/ force her cuz that would do more harm than good

like at least she trusts me and her bf now, this rapport is important; plus if she goes to therapy unwillingly and unprepared, it's gonna be ineffective

but holy im so worried

for her

she wasn't planning to go therapy because she believes she already hit her worst back in tsinghua

and there's no use getting therapy now, as the worst was already "done"

and like she pushes herself too much to ace everything and A+ and GPA 4.3 and I am very sure eventually she would break down cuz no ones perfect (which she had a mini breakdown yesterday but now she acted she was fine - I knew her expression- it's like how you'll deliberately smile to tell others youre fine but it's 此地無銀三百兩 i knew it because i did that too) (and she said shes "trying to be fine" - ye i can see youre trying but I just felt like you're gonna shatter any moment),

she cried and stated "she just wanted the recognition for her effort" (thats why she kept pushing)

i think i asked her about recognition from who, she said from others

i didn't ask further because she looked tired and later said needed some quiet time

imo judging from all her past history (+ my stipulated history of her)

here are some aspects to delve into for her

upbringing most likely has some underlying issues esp being brought up in a divorced family

1. she kept taking care of her 1st mother's feelings, how she felt she needed to comfort her mother when her grandmother was bad to her mother

2. i think she kept trying to seek joy from others, and is unable to discover her inner joy

    like finding relationships very quickly and she just met this bf for 4 days before confirming the relationship (like sept she was still complicated from old relationship and then suddenly bam new bf so quick) (maybe im just kinda traditional and not used to the fast-food type of relationship building, but I think this is a meaningful lead)

    the caveat is that i believe she needs her own realisation instead of "chur"ing others to provide for her (which might happen in therapy)

3. she thought she was controlling of others and wanted to make others to strive the same way as she do

    i think imo she wasn't like the "controlling" type of controlling; there's something under

    maybe similar to point 2

4. shes just too too overload and i think she looks very guilty if she kinda rested a bit (which imo it does not count as rest) - and got sick twice already and it wasn't even two months in

5. she felt complicated when she helped so many other people in their assignments but they score better than her; and she appears "upset" that she wonders "if she couldn't be nice to others anymore"

    so many possible questions but I am not gonna be the one asking and probing her

aaAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i think i also kinda triggered her accidentally as one time i was holding my eyebrow razor (uhm with razor head down as if i am going to use it later- which i am (not in front of her))

 and she uhm looked at my whole person with a different vibe very briefly

and i wasnt sure if she noticed my very superficial cuts oh im guilty

maybe later we will be cutting besties noooooooooooooooooooooooo dont

i dont know if she knows the sad reality that there was always a worse than the apparent "worst"

so she should actually seek help before it's too late

but our (high achievers) definition of " late"... is a bit later that the "recommended late"...

autistic?

apparently i shouldnt spend 10 minutes on the PHQ-9 and GAD-7

i was stuck at the last question on PHQ-9 though, it asked me how difficult it was to perform my tasks and functioning. I think it was "slightly difficult", but the only two closest options are Not difficult at all and "quite difficult". Like it is difficult so it is not "not difficult", but it is not "quite difficult" it's just slightly, so I spent like at least 5 minutes contemplating on this question lmfao

and idk i have to hand in before the start of session so i was taking my time and did it very slowly and cautiously lmfaooooaaaaaaa

ahhaahahahahaa aaaaaa

actually very curious of what arthur and others had wrote on my case LOL im pretty sure i have some damn issues but i just wanna know if they had suspected/ drafted any diagnoses LOL

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

:( ending :((

am i in recovery or in remission

界題·解題

 突然好喜歡幫每一個小篇章設置一個標題。看起來很高大上，而且令篇章的中心思想很清晰。

還滿思念把日記上傳到drive給Arthur看的日子。而且如果在咨詢告一段落前，drive的最新篇還停留在“fuck you Arthur”，我感覺很不好意思😅sls（而且想有個好結尾）

在“fuck you”和這篇《界題·解題》中間的日記篇章怎麼處置呢？我應該也會包括在drive內，想整個doc比較完整。（因為網站blog也換過一次，doc是目前唯一集中兩個網站的日記的「據點」。）這些過去的日記，也沒有必要看，但這篇還是蠻正經和言之有物的！！

（喔大概只有十篇。哈，不給arthur看之後就變得那麼少。）

更新絕對不是因為我吃醋你在看Ivan的書！！（確實有點點吃醋啦但這真的不是上傳的原因）

Can and should

"Try not to worry too much about what you “should” do. That’s a self-punishing mentality that won’t help you right now. Focus on what you can do, not what you ‘should’ do."

setting myself free

 I kind of don't want to deal with this anymore.

seems like I couldn't reprimand him anyways

so maybe I shouldn't continue to think about it anymore.

If I just hand this over to her, would I regret it 1 week later? 1 month later? 1 year later? 10 years later?

I think the only thing I worry if I hand it over is being "tricked" and became 水魚

but other than that seems nothing much

This used to make my blood boil, but I seem to be more accepting of this experience after I wrote it out last time... Not that I accept him doing it, but I recognize what had happened on me.

I should be kinder to myself by letting it go and not ruminating this much on it.

But would it be kinder if I try to exercise my own rights to take this onto a legal level? But I already reported it and it was already what I had initially planned to do.

hmmm

listen to my heart

what do I want?

fr lets write it

 One day between September to October, during one anatomy (dissection) practical session, I was being sexually harassed by professor Jian Yang in ADL2.

Till now I couldn't recall which exact day it was, nor the content that we were being taught about (i.e. what exact location were we dissecting), but it happened when I was at my designated dissection table (group 21b- 22a), which was the table next to the hand washing area by the entrance. Me and a few groupmates were dissecting, probably a total of 4-5 people. As teachers would walk around to teach in both ADL1 and ADL2 when they were available, professor Yang, who was actually in charge for another group in ADL1, entered our room and came to our table to teach. I was standing in the orientation facing the washing basin, on the right upper side of the body.

As he was coming to our table, students from other tables gathered around to listen as well. (I forgot if he told the students to come and listen- but it was reasonable I guess). They crowded around our table. Jian Yang stood behind me, touching me slightly. He extended his right arm to point or cut or do something to the body- either the upper limbs or the trunk. I couldn't remember if he was holding tools for dissection e.g. scalpel or forceps, nor the area. The area of the body remained blank in my mind.

He talked and taught us about anatomy normally. After a brief while, maybe after a sentence or two, I started to feel weird, and confused as he didn't move away. I felt uncomfortable and looked around slightly. I think there was at least one handspan to my left, so I tried to nudge and wriggle to my left.

However, as I was just beginning to wriggle, Jian Yang leaned more forward towards and pressed against me forcefully, but framed it to be like he was extending his arm more to dissect stuff. His commentary/ teaching hasn't stopped and it was still fluent. 

I was shocked as it was opposite to my assumption that a typical person would've given way for me after I tried to move around.  I felt a rigid rod between my butt. I was confused by what it was. I was very uncomfortable after I realised it was most likely his dick, but I couldn't move, because he was pushing against me so tightly, and I was squeezed between him and the table, so I froze and my mind went blank. I looked to the opposite side to see if any of my groupmates noticed, but they were all focused on the body and listening to prof. Yang's commentary. I took deeper breaths but I was still in shock. I was slightly leaning forward as well due to the squeezing. But nobody noticed.

After he was done with the teaching and commentary for that part, he left.

It was until 19th December, 2023, when I was having a conversation with a friend/ classmate during lunch, when we were gossiping about another classmate whom, according to rumours, touched other people inappropriately, and my friend also shared her experience of being touched inappropriately by another student, who was already expelled from the MBBS program, apparently. Then I recalled and brought up this experience with Jian Yang. (I asked my friend if she could recall our conversation half a year later, but she couldn't.)

That time I was still unsure what the rod thing was, as I didn't really know the texture of one, and I didn't want to assume the worst in people. But I was panicking again. So around Christmas time, I asked a male friend what was it but he was confused as I didn't give him the context.

At the start of January, I also asked some of my PBL groupmates whom I trusted more, and were more likely to be present on that day, to see if they have noticed about the incident. One of them was among those who were standing opposite to me when I was panicking. But they all had no idea.

I asked one of the laboratory technicians whom I thought might be likely to witness the incident, but he had no idea as well, I didn't tell him it was Jian Yang though, but I clarified it wasn't prof. Tomasz Cecot, who was in charge of our table according to the name list.

In the following days after I recalled the incident, I was shocked and upset. I spent a long time in denial, especially when I wasn't experiencing flashbacks. I was wondering if I had recalled it wrongly, or made up the whole incident, as I just couldn't remember what day, and what area he was teaching about. I tried to think what I was wearing, but I was wearing typical sweatpants and it wasn't enough for me to fish out useful information to derive what day it was. And I had no alibi nor witnesses to back me up.

I thought, maybe I could report the incident, so that maybe I could check the CCTV and see if it was real or if I made it up in my head. But, as next to the attendance book was a tiny room with all the live CCTV cameras screen, I took a look and realised the position that I was standing at, was just outside of the scope of the camera. So I felt discouraged.

My mental state had reached a new low, as I spent days in self doubt and self hatred. I blamed myself for not voicing out or forcefully move out or make a scene about it, but I really couldn't as I was frozen in shock. On the other hand, I kept doubting my memory. I tried my best to keep up with my studies and was on track on viewing the lecture videos. I also forced myself to be present for every practical session, even though the idea of heading back to Sassoon Road and HKUMed in general, was a pain, as I would recall the incident every time I come back. I had to take a deep breath and try to hide my trembling as I didn't want other classmates to think I am acting weird. I had to constantly remind myself to be present and not zone out during PBL sessions.

I tried to focus in class and write my notes, but it was difficult. I would automatically zone out whenever I see the default HKUMed format of lecture slides. So, despite heading to the library frequently, I still failed my formative exam.

I asked my friends for study tips, and one of my PBL tutor also gave me study tips as he found my base knowledge to be rather weak, but they all didn't work, as I couldn't even assimilate the information in my brain to write notes and mindmaps.

I also got lost on my way to ADL2 during two dissection practical sessions. In the first time, I headed to ADL1 instead, and wandered for 15 minutes searching for any person I knew, which there was only one, and she was confused why I was here. And a laboratory technician came and we checked the name list together, which obviously did not have my name, and she led me to ADL2, where I found my name, and my groupmates. Although I joked about it to my groupmates, I was embarrassed, as I had been here for every single practical. I felt stupid.

The second time I got lost, I was actually heading to ADL2, but one of my groupmates, who was walking in front of me, entered ADL1 (to find his girlfriend). And I became very confused and followed him into ADL1, where I wandered for probably around 15 minutes again before thinking, maybe it's the other door, and entered ADL2.

I also failed my driving exam as I zoned out and almost hit the car in front of me, despite trying my best to focus. But it was back in October.

I thought I had hit the rock bottom, but in the following months it got worse and I couldn't really understand the lecture notes, or anything med related. I felt ashamed, because I kind of know these weren't that difficult, but they just felt foreign. I just felt dyslexic. I didn't really ask for help from my friends, as even if they tried to explain to me in simple language, my brain couldn't keep up with it, as it was being preoccupied by suicidal thoughts, and also thoughts of "what if I was making it up".

I was ruminating my thoughts by day, and sometimes dream about related things by night.

It was just terrible and exhausting.

I failed my summative as well. It was an overall "poor fail". Despite trying my very best to revise, but I knew I was just struggling as I couldn't really focus on "studying" alone.

Luckily enough, I found a working study method- to actually pronounce the sentences, not just verbalising it in the head. Somehow it pauses the background rumination. And with original notes and intensive study sessions from the Supplementary Support Group and generous friends, it triggered me less and I managed to pass the supplementary exam. Or maybe because I stopped going to practicals and lectures, as there was none in summer.

After the release of supplementary exam results, I got in touch with Dr. Julie Chen, whom I told about the incident. She suggested some options i could take as the way forward, including her having a conversation with Dr. Jian Yang, small group meeting with the group of teachers responsible for the dissection practicals, and'or general education for all staff members in HKUMed, or alternatively I could take another route and report to the HKU Equal Opportunities Unit.

I felt like I wouldn't be receiving much feedback if I agreed to Dr. Julie Chen managing this incident, although she seemed helpful and nice. I checked the flowchart and regulations for the HKU EOU but seemed like I wasn't likely to receive the justice I desired.

I was lost. Yet I was hesitant if I wanted to call the police, because "what if I was making it all up", and "what if the faculty would kick me out as I was jeopardizing the future of a professor". And I didn't have proof anyways so calling the police wouldn't do much to the situation.

I was scared to go to the court if needed, as people might know I was the victim, and might target me in the future as well, as I looked so hesitant and naive.

What if I just made it all up? But it felt incredibly real. I could feel the pressure on my butt during my flashbacks. And I wouldn't accuse a random professor who wasn't in a group with me, it was trivial.

I felt slightly better than before, as I wouldn't enter a state of flashback upon mentioning about the harassment. It was still bad though, as I still couldn't decide what I wanted to do about it, yet I didn't want to suck it up, as this would mean he didn't receive any deterrent effect and might do it again to future medical students and traumatize them as well.

It's time.

 It's time to actually write down what had happened.

............................... I can't write it down I CANT WRITE IT DOWN😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

nah bro I am staring at this screen for almost an hour now

Control without controlling

 Emotions.

https://journalsmarter.com/8-ways-to-control-your-emotions

This was a nice blog.

I have been telling my little anxiety in my brain to take a rest. So it is a bit quieter now (I tried to let her be and let her just sit there)

I have to tell myself I can do it.

I can do it.

There is still 16 days. And my progress is okay. It can be better. But it was already decent.

!

Keep it up. They will be cheering for us. Everyone is rooting for us. There's expectations, but there's also hope and encouragement.

doooo ittttttt

emotions are a mess, like a little wild pony. But I guess I'll just stand and observe like an annoyed parent and ignore it flying around (if it wasn't helping) while I am doing my work.

Sometimes I wake up feeling like Anger from Inside Out 2, wanting to smash Anxiety's overthinking monitor into pieces. Fack all these wild scenarios bro let me chill for a seccccc aaaa I need to focus on the present bro!!! haha

Thats it for today's diary entry. I wonder if Arthur reads my dream log. (wow I kind of see why he say I kept changing topics, but it made sense in my mind, I think of diary, so I relate to dream log which I am also writing daily. heh) i think my brain runs on a slightly faster speed than typical people? the busy version of Anxiety in the movie is my usual brain speed. And Riley's anxious mind is me during my normal conversations with others. And my bad rainy days is Riley's panic attack, but I'd describe it as having 100 Anxiety whirlwinds. (But after the bad days have passed I would feel like I have over-exaggerated it lol) And my actual panic attack would be 10000 Anxiety whirlwinds. I am basically fueled by anxiety. Well, anger popped out recently, so sometimes he will smash the anger button at home or in therapy session when I was ranting. hahahah lol

emotions are cute.

Timeline

 so we should make a timeline of all the things that led me into a spiral

so I was unhappy for a long time-

and then more stressed for year one summative, but it was manageable using Headspace app from which I got a free subscription plan from hku cedars

and then stressed for results

passed

still slightly stressed because i thought I shouldn't have enough marks to pass

and then covid hits in july, the bad thing was not covid itself, but the rather disappointing experience that my parents decided to sleep in instead of take me to the hospital despite me throwing up black suspicious stuff and feeling very unwell

august I was rather happy, I went to anime con and I also got a new very strong laptop, but I felt something was off. By mid august my mindset turned a bit unhealthy but I wasn't sure why, because I forgot about the disappointing event in July

and at the first few days of school in sept I was feeling more off and began to draw disturbing pictures with rather "edgy" hints. I wasn't aware I was having a way worse mindset than I assumed. I thought I was just slightly blue from resumption of school.

Mid sept I was beginning to be more sad, but I found my new hobby, because I started my driving classes. I loved driving.

By October my emotions were more and more pent up so I decided to start writing diary entries. I started from sharing about my past. Because that time, my diary was used as a tool for me to record who did something bad to me, because I had a bad habit of forgetting bad people, so I kept being with these people, which ended up hurting myself even more.

Somehow slowly, the diary turned from writing about past bullies, to my parents. And they were so damn annoying every day.

And I got even more sad.

And somewhere in this timeframe I got sexually harassed by a professor during dissection practical, but I totally forgot about it until much later. I began to have more symptoms during driving.

What didn't make things better is that I failed my driving test. It was until now that I realised me not focused enough on driving was because of me dissociating (or maybe of a suspected undiagnosed ADHD, who knows). And my past lessons of me having illusions of car reversing was actually rather concerning.

Finally my hand and legs were shaking so badly but I tried to brush it off, and I dreamt of me suiciding. I was rather scared of the dream.

And there comes two anniversaries in a row about two rather unhappy experiences. I was very sad, and somehow my friend, Ivan, chose to sat with me during that day's lecture. I still didn't know why, but maybe it was just coincidence. Because he was walking with his friends and supposed to sit with them.

I broke down after lecture. I don't really think it was a panic attack because I have had it worse? But anyways he asked if I wanted to seek therapy. I refused because I was so scared of them spreading my private info.

But after a few days I couldn't bear it anymore so I asked Ivan to refer me, as I couldn't fill in the form, as I don't really know what I needed help with, so I can't tick the boxes. (Later I asked him, he ticked everything for me except romantic relationship lol)

My memory also got so bad to the point I got lost in the anatomy lab, not knowing which table I belong to. I lost the concept of tables according to my PBL group, but I forgot what group I am in anyways. A kind lab technician and I searched the name list together (luckily I remember my name) and she led me to my table. Despite being in the lab at the exact same table for every lesson. How ironic!

so yeah! and later i recalled the dissection incident, and i also failed my formative exam. Now I failed the second one. I hope I can pass the supplementary exams though. I have been working very very hard this year, so I really want to make my efforts count.

I am back on track on my finances. I developed new insight to the world, I became less suicidal (in the sense that I don't think about it every day anymore.) I think these are some pretty big feats!

Dear diary

 Dear diary,

I was a bit sad today.

This is the second day Mum tried to sit down and talk to me. But yesterday I was naiive to think that she had finally turn for the better, and today morning she scolded me with the same old script of me “not being mean enough to myself”. I am very disappointed.

I think I am already way too mean about myself. I tried to overwork despite being overwhelmed and my rest was overdue. I exerted 10000% of my effort. If I am meaner to myself, the only thing is to jump… honestly. It’s quite sad.

Anyways today at dinner she tried to ask me a lot of my “where I went what I ate what I did who did I meet” type of questions. I stayed silent again. She was pissed. She asked me why I am being so cold. I said if I said I don’t want to answer, you’ll scold me. To which she replied immediately, of course!! How come you are keeping secrets to the family! We are the only people you can trust.

And here comes her usual speech of me being more and more disobedient, as if I want to be independent. And if I don’t want to tell them everything, she can disown me and not give me anything.

It’s my first time hearing that latter part though. So I said, huh??

She said, if you dont respect me, I wouldn’t respect you too! And as a mum what can I do to disrespect my child? By disowning them!

Me was like, ??

But honestly though I was tired I don’t care if they disown me or not I just need money lol. Because they didn’t provide any actual useful stuff other than money and goods. So in that sense I just need free money because I have nothing else to lose. Maybe I can rent a space before the start of next year’s dorm if she really mean it. (She doesn’t. It’s just for me to hear)

Dad was in the bedroom watching youtube as always. Always oblivious to our discussions. He didn’t even know what’s going on.

Bruh.

Failed parenting.

And my failed academics.

Everything is a failure.

At least I have some nice friends… I’m not sure if we would still be close even if touchwood I retake the year though

This is just sad.

Tragedy.

What a sad day. But every day is a sad day. So it wasn’t as sad as I would have experienced. Growing accustomed to this infected wound, it doesn’t seem to be healing. Not with this environment.

Oh edit: im not really that upset by the disown part, but if they mentioned it after I get financially independent it would he nice. But I don’t think they will, because by then they would be blood sucking my finances instead haha🖕🏻

不及格

 我真的他媽的氣死了！

媽媽問過我，我的同學們在幹嘛（類似這個問題）。我說大嶼山（M）去旅行。所以不去上課了。

我現在不在她大喊之後立馬起床的話，她就會說我學壞了！不學習了！以後不要跟大嶼山來往！我怎麼變得這麼懶！

而且她叫我起床的方式是悄無聲色地解鎖我的門，開門，走到我床邊，然後突然大叫並大力地打在我身上！於是我每天都在驚嚇中起來。

我覺得我遲早神經衰弱。

前幾天媽媽去買外賣。收銀問她有沒有樂悠卡。（長者卡的物體）（可以打八折）。

她回來跟我和我爸訴說，她氣死了。

爸爸安慰她說，可能她只是想問問你有沒有帶其他人的樂悠卡呢？

接著媽媽就開始罵爸爸為什麼還沒申請那張卡。

過了一會兒她又若無其事地熱情地叫我們快吃東西。不然就生蟲啦（她近來不斷使用的理由。我覺得太誇張了吧）

爸爸怒了！但沒有罵回去。

過了一會兒媽媽又出門買東西了。

我們有點面面相覷。

那天是父親節。

anyways

我不及格啊嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚我覺得我要留級了嗚嗚嗚嗚

我把學習日程編好了我已經又在溫習了嗚嗚嗚嗚但是怎麼這麼悶啊！悶到死。

腦子是回來了但是這些內容實在悶到令人作嘔。

原本沒有哭，只是非常不愉快。

然後ivan興高采烈地dm問我考成怎麼樣。我說要重考。

然後他說他可以陪我溫習嗚嗚嗚（原本考前他也有說過，但現在也又說了）

嗚嗚嗚哭哭

（不過他說他不能每天都陪啦）

阿阿阿阿阿阿阿阿唉

唉

唉

我不想回家

但也不能死啊如果死不成那就可能住院然後必然復讀一年what the fuck

垃圾狗屎人生

天天超級癢我靠

而且現在媽媽一直說我操 我覺得很不好 怎麼溫文爾雅的媽媽變成這樣子了，而且是罵非常小的事情，有什麼好罵的（例如忘了給電話充電但全日在家）

Insight 2

 So these few days i was rather unhappy because my mum was scolding me for warning others about the sus dude, and she spammed me with different screenshots of comments from people saying not to get inside trouble and it is none of my business

(And im still stressed because i dont know how the trip will turn out, if they got something bad happen, i feel like my hands would be covered in blood because I withheld information/ rumor from some of them) (I saw Human today, who would be going on the trip, shes the one who gave me the bandage and lent me the hairclip… so I chatted casually about hows their trip plan going, and I said be careful to her. She said thanks! And then.. I said be careful to her again😂…… she said ooookay..?? And i just yeeahhhhh..!) (i think i tried, or at least attempted, i hope she’s alert enough, me and ivan are wishing for her, shes a postgrad after all, but shes rather short (shorter than me.. so below 160, and sus dude is almost 190cm)

Oh my gooooooddddd, and also yesterday i was chatting with Ruby, my secondary school friend who was the smartest in class/ form, because we’re rather close friends, and we chatted about this again, and our common friend is Audrey, who was the only other girl who probably doesnt know about sus dude (other than Human), she asked me if I want her to help me tell Audrey. I replied i was actually thinking about it for a few days but I still dont know. But we unanimously agree Audrey is a smart and strong girl. Hopefully she’s smart enough <p.s. I wrote about her like wayyyyy early in my diary, the day where I was introducing A1 A2 A3 but shes another A-lettered name and she kinda pushed me out of her way so i thought she doesnt like me) (i still dont know if she hate me or not although all our interactions were peaceful..? Ajhdsjjdjs)

Anyways today Mum was sharing her tiktok discoveries again- those disastrous accidents and tragedies

And one of it is about a rich woman got domestic abused by her famous husband to death

And she’s telling me not to have meals with males frequently (wow interesting insight…) and if in the future my husband seems to have violent tendencies and about to hit me, I should run and call the police

So i asked her, what if it already happened? She said you have to call the police

And i ask her again, what if the guy is famous, she still said call the police to let everyone know about how bad the guy is

So now im a bit confused by her stance

Maybe her stance is like I shouldnt help others but I should advocate and protect myself

But honestly i think it is way easier said than done, it seemed simple on paper, i wonder if she’ll still tell me to report if I tell her lol, so i wont tell her yet

Before me leaving the dining table, she said again to only trust them and tell them everything 

Nah

Jahajsjdksjdjdjd also today is the first day of Chinese lecture, i went to sit with ivan and his friends. 95% of our convo is lewd stuff, oh actually the day befor I was also DMing him a lot of haha dirty convo, he told me again I have great potential to sexually harrass people 🤡🤡🤡 i find it funny… although it was a bit ironic

Also that day he DMed me again saying something along the lines like Arthur probably thinks im a pain in the ass to be dealt with, why am I taking so long lol

🤡 but i know he’s not saying maliciously because all the other chats are nice 🤡 it’s just that from time to time he’ll say things like this and I’ll be slightly upset, but I’ll comfort myself becuase I remembered a long time ago charlotte saying my case is interesting, and also sometimes Arthur says it is interesting 

Remembered one time a few months ago ivan asked me if i should seek those random online help website instead of face to face with Arthur because seems like my therapy is ineffective 🫥 (but I felt like i/ my perspective was slowly changing hence effective so i said no to ivan)

Aaaaaaa is he jealous lol aahahdhekdhsj but other than this, hes supportive in other topics

Hahahahashehehehuiidueidjshshd

Also yesterday I was trying to use my toy to distract myself again and to find some happiness

But on one hand I felt incredibly gross by the harrassment, yet I am trying to seek happiness from masturbating

And I felt more and more disgust at myself and eventually stopped midway because I/ my brain can’t feel any arousal (even though my body says so)

Bruh and then I feel like a horny cunt again

Bruh

Why do people just want to touch me and possibly fuck me

Bruh

This is rather stupid

I guess the upcoming month of therapy would be busy asf because this wed I’ll probably talk about this terrible sus dude and my flashback, next wed I’ll update with their macau trip (next mon-tue), for better or the worse (i will either be guilty i made a big fuss out of nothing and im too vigilant and it’s not necessary; or they’ll unfortunately get into something bad and I’ll be guilty as fuck and I’ll probably be suicidal); and the next next wed my exam results are there (mon release) (can’t possibly imagine, haagdhfhrhfj so stressed!!!! But I’ll focus on the sus dude and the macau trip for now), and depends on my exam results, next next next week will either be: checking out how to actually report, or stay silent before retest and stressing about exams all over again

Life is shit!

People are shit!

Terrible!

Can’t really see the point!! What’s the point of living with predators everywhere! What the fuck, seems like the society is fucked up the whole time but i chose to unsee it/ my parents protected me too well so I am too stupid to see anything coming/ protect myself

I feel so damn useless!

However this rant may sound, my mental state was better than that in the last diary- molester magnet though. So! I will pull through one more day! Maybe through sleep and movies! And then it will be therapy time!

Just sometimes feeling quite bad and stupid because I thought I was almost recovering, but actually I wasn’t the whole time, and I sort of relapsed

Or maybe theyre two separate things so recovering in one doesnt mean im recovering from another one as well

Oh and back to the weird horniness and urge to think about dirty stuff and talk about it all the time, i wonder if I was coping using this, because by talking about it myself I’ll sort of have/ regain the right to control how I want the act to work out/ what I want to talk about

Beheudhajshaj and yesterday’s mental state was like this pic i saw on xiaohongshu

Fucking accurate, though i guess im not reallllly suicidal i guess, I just wanted to die

(??

Like I wouldn’t reaaaallly jump perhaps, and im just saying

^ i dont know if this will hold true in the future but let’s see if i took a turn to the worse

Also side note the day before yesterday my dad was telling me riolu was smelly

Yesterday both my mum and dad told me riolu is very smelly together

Today when I got home after class dad told me he washed my riolu and was drying it by the aircon

Hahahahehehhshdhhr i wonder if they know what kind of smell it is

I was also chatting with ivan about two suspicious stain on Arthur’s whiteboard that I have been observing for weeks

i told ivan i user the pin he used to hold up the whiteboard paper to scrape off the two suspicious whitish yellow stain 

Reallly sus although i have not seen real life semen / dries up semen

Like there is a semi transparent thin part of stain, and the thicker side of stain is relatively non transparent yellowish white, like soy bean milk???? But soy bean milk wont coagulate on wall. (I think)

Wowwowkwowkwowowo hahahahahahaahahohohohho i bet he’ll act dumb

Actually that time when i was scraping, bro went silent

I thought he wasnt looking at me though, and everytime i sit up from the sofa bed to look back he was having his back at me so im not sure. But i remember the first time i pull uo the pin, bro went silent too, until he saw me playing the pin on the fabric wall and im not using it on myself..?

Lmfao !!!!!!!!!! hahahahahaahaha hilarious

Molester magnet

 :(

Well although i said i wouldnt write diary for arthur to read anymore (because i realised he was just wanting to help me, and if I speak in person it would benefit me), I figured it would be better for me to write this down, because i might forget soon

Basically turned down this trip I was a bit worried to go to

I don’t feel like typing it again… so I’ll just copy and paste what I have shared to my frd M (the one whom I had lunch and I recalled the incident with professor)

Here is the paste

—-

Before summative, matthew plan some post summative activity for our pbl group, we vote for macau 2 day 1 night trip

We opened a side big group for macau discussion

We vote on date but seems cant really work, so we put the discussion aside

After summative, ernest is the first one who brought up the topic, he send a vote again, but no one vote

Later he whatsapp some of us individually to ask if we are free on certain days for the trip <my first red flag>

Afterwards he opened a new small macau group by himself <second red flag>, why not use old one

Choose hotel, but no one give shit in group, ernest send out like 8 hotels for us to vote

Ok vote jao vote

Ernest initially suggested one big room live all four of us (2 boy 4 girl), but this discussion is put aside

And then after the hotel choice vote, human suggest she has diamond member so she can help, ernest say he has too so he can do it So far still ok

But then ernest said he wants to book 2 rooms for us

Matthew was confused, asked that means one girl need to live with them two boys

Ernest then say let us girls vote 2 room or 3 room

Some vote 2 room, (maybe they dont know ernest sus)

Me and another girl (i told her ernest sus) didnt vote yet (i also told matthew ernest sus)

I say i dont mind but i want to live with girls

And then later i just dont feel comfortable so i tell them i cant go

AND THEN

Juice start

Matthew ask me why mm go, what happen, if i dont go he doesnt want to go too but he thinks ernest angry so maybe he will go

I say it’s your choice

Matthew then in group say maybe not enough ppl

And then!!

Ernest say maybe the group will be spammy so he removed me from the mini macau group he made

And then matthew send me screenshot ernest in group saying how frustrating it was to organise the trip

And how he contacted the hotel and made arrangements

Big red flag

Cuz he never mentioned he made arrangements, if he said then maybe i wouldnt propose i mm go

And then ernest in screenshot say cant change date

Basically a bunch of reasons to keep ppl not leaving the group

(Matthew suggested change date or cancel

Ernest just say cant)

I just find this whole thing a bit alarming

Or maybe just because i still haven’t gotten myself over with the jian yang thing so im a bit worried

But i dont want to risk

But seems now ernest’s reaction is making everything suspicious

And also the other girl never said he want 2 or 3 room, so it is impossible for ernest to have arranged the hotel already

—-

Yeah

So suspicious 

Actually before me ditching, i was thinking about this trip for a week / worried about it

Today during dinner i talked about this to my parents

They see gigantic red flag and an obvious trap

And agreed i shouldnt go

(In the middle of the chat my mum said I shouldn’t have told others about how bad the guy is, or else those groupmates would blame me if eventually they cancelled the trip… somehow this strike a chord in my brain and i just really wanted to cry, i asked my mum why not, i cant let them be oblivious towards this… they didn’t seem to notice my tiny tear though) my head was kinda heavy and cloggy after that, and im just tired and sleepy till now

Later i was talking about how sus the dude was

After that we were heading back to hotel

I asked them what if I accused him of something not real, cuz all these arent really “fact checked” and i just heard from others

Dad said if youre unsure if the pool has shark, will you take a dive inside? Are you going to experiment on yourself?

I laughed, I have other pools with clearly no sharks, I’ll choose those instead

And also i think these bad news wont become rumours if the dude is actually good and innocent. Even if have, if the dude is good enough, people may defend him, but so far there’s no one defending him

Mum was sharing how her boy neighbour in her secondary school kept touching her butt back then

Dad was telling me this society is like this and ppl like this are everywhere and they are trying to protect me but i need to work along with them, hes telling me how he made sure the ceiling lights wont shine/ blind my eyes when i was small and on the baby pram, how they made sure to stand in front of the pram on the downward escalator to catch me in case i fell over etc

Idk man… now i just felt i suck because I couldn’t protect myself, i just attract molesters everywhere, i wanna cry it sucks i wanna die what the fuck

Terrible

I asked them what if it happened already then what am i gonna do

They said then theres nothing you can do, they can just deny, and you gotta bite the bullet and move on, thats why i need to protect myself at the beginning 

—

I am not planning to tell my parents about the jy incident yet

But via this matter i think i know more about their opinions on these stuff

Idk..

Im just cuddling my riolu

Im just tired

And turned out M didnt know about the jy incident- I thought i told her already, though she said if i told her she’ll probably remember. Maybe that time i was too vague about it so she doesn’t know 

Anyways so i repeated the incident briefly to her and yeah

I feel a bit bad

Maybe turned out i havent finished processing this thing

She encouraged me to report too, because the classmate that touched her in year one left mbbs because he defered twice, and she regretted not reporting when she had the chance. And if i dont report maybe the 心結 will be still here

My mind is in a mess

Actually the day before yesterday (therapy day) i was pretty happy after therapy, i went to the little garden at sassoon 5, and I made a little tune within the 20 minutes of waiting for the shuttle bus. I wrote lyrics for the song too, they rhyme, though a little bit incoherent. It was a happy little tune. When i got back home I was transcribing the audio i recorded (as song draft) into my program. Now i just felt terrible and i dont think i have the energy to continue making the happy song, i need to put it to a halt.

Why… :( molester magnet… cant defend…

Also that ernest was so double sided he kicked me from the group and then started writing bad stuff about “certain people” aka me in the group. One (oblivious) comforted ernest, another one (also oblivious) also comforted but also said some nice stuff for me. The other two (whom i told them about him being sus) stayed silent (actually one of them stayed silent the whole time)

I feel like im part of a drama

This world is a joke

So gross (of the world, others, and me)

I guess although it would be interesting to discuss about fantasies in the next session, i am more sad about this shit

Lmao, the fantasy discussion kept getting delayed

Also saw ruth and ursmar heading for lunch, probably QMH? last time (i ate at grove) i noticed ursmar first (is it ursmar or urshmar i forgot), and i didn’t recognise ruth, i thought it was a random person, so i continue sipping my spaghetti sauce

And when i looked up i was like hol on wait thats ruth omg- this is so sad lol i recognise her by the pants because of the dangling belt decoration thing probably same pants as the one in my live photo with the dog💀 and clothing style grey shirt bruh instead of recognising her face …… i feel bad

Hahahaha…

And i take back my sentence of not having fantasy anymore- because i still have

But not as big as before. I think before i was craving for physical intimacy because i cant do the emotion one closely, and i was thinking physical can compensate 

Now the fantasy is smaller and it runs on the fact im a bit horny and u guys are cute, instead of multiplying with other factors like compensating for closeness, wanting to service people so they wont leave me?, stress, maybe i also kind of wanna assert my dominance and hatefuck people?

Also remembered u said I probably have things i regret putting inside my diary, and maybe i should stop writing it

The answer is no i dont have anything that i regret

Because i decided to write it down and upload to the drive

If i really dont want to write something, i either simply dont write it, or write on a separate place

There’s nothing i can regret, regret is useless, you either do or not do a certain thing, in my opinion.

:((

Many friends on my priv asked me am i ok

Im just a bit tired and grossed out