Timeline

 so we should make a timeline of all the things that led me into a spiral

so I was unhappy for a long time-

and then more stressed for year one summative, but it was manageable using Headspace app from which I got a free subscription plan from hku cedars

and then stressed for results

passed

still slightly stressed because i thought I shouldn't have enough marks to pass

and then covid hits in july, the bad thing was not covid itself, but the rather disappointing experience that my parents decided to sleep in instead of take me to the hospital despite me throwing up black suspicious stuff and feeling very unwell

august I was rather happy, I went to anime con and I also got a new very strong laptop, but I felt something was off. By mid august my mindset turned a bit unhealthy but I wasn't sure why, because I forgot about the disappointing event in July

and at the first few days of school in sept I was feeling more off and began to draw disturbing pictures with rather "edgy" hints. I wasn't aware I was having a way worse mindset than I assumed. I thought I was just slightly blue from resumption of school.

Mid sept I was beginning to be more sad, but I found my new hobby, because I started my driving classes. I loved driving.

By October my emotions were more and more pent up so I decided to start writing diary entries. I started from sharing about my past. Because that time, my diary was used as a tool for me to record who did something bad to me, because I had a bad habit of forgetting bad people, so I kept being with these people, which ended up hurting myself even more.

Somehow slowly, the diary turned from writing about past bullies, to my parents. And they were so damn annoying every day.

And I got even more sad.

And somewhere in this timeframe I got sexually harassed by a professor during dissection practical, but I totally forgot about it until much later. I began to have more symptoms during driving.

What didn't make things better is that I failed my driving test. It was until now that I realised me not focused enough on driving was because of me dissociating (or maybe of a suspected undiagnosed ADHD, who knows). And my past lessons of me having illusions of car reversing was actually rather concerning.

Finally my hand and legs were shaking so badly but I tried to brush it off, and I dreamt of me suiciding. I was rather scared of the dream.

And there comes two anniversaries in a row about two rather unhappy experiences. I was very sad, and somehow my friend, Ivan, chose to sat with me during that day's lecture. I still didn't know why, but maybe it was just coincidence. Because he was walking with his friends and supposed to sit with them.

I broke down after lecture. I don't really think it was a panic attack because I have had it worse? But anyways he asked if I wanted to seek therapy. I refused because I was so scared of them spreading my private info.

But after a few days I couldn't bear it anymore so I asked Ivan to refer me, as I couldn't fill in the form, as I don't really know what I needed help with, so I can't tick the boxes. (Later I asked him, he ticked everything for me except romantic relationship lol)

My memory also got so bad to the point I got lost in the anatomy lab, not knowing which table I belong to. I lost the concept of tables according to my PBL group, but I forgot what group I am in anyways. A kind lab technician and I searched the name list together (luckily I remember my name) and she led me to my table. Despite being in the lab at the exact same table for every lesson. How ironic!

so yeah! and later i recalled the dissection incident, and i also failed my formative exam. Now I failed the second one. I hope I can pass the supplementary exams though. I have been working very very hard this year, so I really want to make my efforts count.

I am back on track on my finances. I developed new insight to the world, I became less suicidal (in the sense that I don't think about it every day anymore.) I think these are some pretty big feats!