突然好喜歡幫每一個小篇章設置一個標題。看起來很高大上，而且令篇章的中心思想很清晰。
還滿思念把日記上傳到drive給Arthur看的日子。而且如果在咨詢告一段落前，drive的最新篇還停留在“fuck you Arthur”，我感覺很不好意思😅sls（而且想有個好結尾）
在“fuck you”和這篇《界題·解題》中間的日記篇章怎麼處置呢？我應該也會包括在drive內，想整個doc比較完整。（因為網站blog也換過一次，doc是目前唯一集中兩個網站的日記的「據點」。）這些過去的日記，也沒有必要看，但這篇還是蠻正經和言之有物的！！
（喔大概只有十篇。哈，不給arthur看之後就變得那麼少。）
更新絕對不是因為我吃醋你在看Ivan的書！！（確實有點點吃醋啦但這真的不是上傳的原因）
One day between September to October, during one anatomy (dissection) practical session, I was being sexually harassed by professor Jian Yang in ADL2.
Till now I couldn't recall which exact day it was, nor the content that we were being taught about (i.e. what exact location were we dissecting), but it happened when I was at my designated dissection table (group 21b- 22a), which was the table next to the hand washing area by the entrance. Me and a few groupmates were dissecting, probably a total of 4-5 people. As teachers would walk around to teach in both ADL1 and ADL2 when they were available, professor Yang, who was actually in charge for another group in ADL1, entered our room and came to our table to teach. I was standing in the orientation facing the washing basin, on the right upper side of the body.
As he was coming to our table, students from other tables gathered around to listen as well. (I forgot if he told the students to come and listen- but it was reasonable I guess). They crowded around our table. Jian Yang stood behind me, touching me slightly. He extended his right arm to point or cut or do something to the body- either the upper limbs or the trunk. I couldn't remember if he was holding tools for dissection e.g. scalpel or forceps, nor the area. The area of the body remained blank in my mind.
He talked and taught us about anatomy normally. After a brief while, maybe after a sentence or two, I started to feel weird, and confused as he didn't move away. I felt uncomfortable and looked around slightly. I think there was at least one handspan to my left, so I tried to nudge and wriggle to my left.
However, as I was just beginning to wriggle, Jian Yang leaned more forward towards and pressed against me forcefully, but framed it to be like he was extending his arm more to dissect stuff. His commentary/ teaching hasn't stopped and it was still fluent.
I was shocked as it was opposite to my assumption that a typical person would've given way for me after I tried to move around. I felt a rigid rod between my butt. I was confused by what it was. I was very uncomfortable after I realised it was most likely his dick, but I couldn't move, because he was pushing against me so tightly, and I was squeezed between him and the table, so I froze and my mind went blank. I looked to the opposite side to see if any of my groupmates noticed, but they were all focused on the body and listening to prof. Yang's commentary. I took deeper breaths but I was still in shock. I was slightly leaning forward as well due to the squeezing. But nobody noticed.
After he was done with the teaching and commentary for that part, he left.
It was until 19th December, 2023, when I was having a conversation with a friend/ classmate during lunch, when we were gossiping about another classmate whom, according to rumours, touched other people inappropriately, and my friend also shared her experience of being touched inappropriately by another student, who was already expelled from the MBBS program, apparently. Then I recalled and brought up this experience with Jian Yang. (I asked my friend if she could recall our conversation half a year later, but she couldn't.)
That time I was still unsure what the rod thing was, as I didn't really know the texture of one, and I didn't want to assume the worst in people. But I was panicking again. So around Christmas time, I asked a male friend what was it but he was confused as I didn't give him the context.
At the start of January, I also asked some of my PBL groupmates whom I trusted more, and were more likely to be present on that day, to see if they have noticed about the incident. One of them was among those who were standing opposite to me when I was panicking. But they all had no idea.
I asked one of the laboratory technicians whom I thought might be likely to witness the incident, but he had no idea as well, I didn't tell him it was Jian Yang though, but I clarified it wasn't prof. Tomasz Cecot, who was in charge of our table according to the name list.
In the following days after I recalled the incident, I was shocked and upset. I spent a long time in denial, especially when I wasn't experiencing flashbacks. I was wondering if I had recalled it wrongly, or made up the whole incident, as I just couldn't remember what day, and what area he was teaching about. I tried to think what I was wearing, but I was wearing typical sweatpants and it wasn't enough for me to fish out useful information to derive what day it was. And I had no alibi nor witnesses to back me up.
I thought, maybe I could report the incident, so that maybe I could check the CCTV and see if it was real or if I made it up in my head. But, as next to the attendance book was a tiny room with all the live CCTV cameras screen, I took a look and realised the position that I was standing at, was just outside of the scope of the camera. So I felt discouraged.
My mental state had reached a new low, as I spent days in self doubt and self hatred. I blamed myself for not voicing out or forcefully move out or make a scene about it, but I really couldn't as I was frozen in shock. On the other hand, I kept doubting my memory. I tried my best to keep up with my studies and was on track on viewing the lecture videos. I also forced myself to be present for every practical session, even though the idea of heading back to Sassoon Road and HKUMed in general, was a pain, as I would recall the incident every time I come back. I had to take a deep breath and try to hide my trembling as I didn't want other classmates to think I am acting weird. I had to constantly remind myself to be present and not zone out during PBL sessions.
I tried to focus in class and write my notes, but it was difficult. I would automatically zone out whenever I see the default HKUMed format of lecture slides. So, despite heading to the library frequently, I still failed my formative exam.
I asked my friends for study tips, and one of my PBL tutor also gave me study tips as he found my base knowledge to be rather weak, but they all didn't work, as I couldn't even assimilate the information in my brain to write notes and mindmaps.
I also got lost on my way to ADL2 during two dissection practical sessions. In the first time, I headed to ADL1 instead, and wandered for 15 minutes searching for any person I knew, which there was only one, and she was confused why I was here. And a laboratory technician came and we checked the name list together, which obviously did not have my name, and she led me to ADL2, where I found my name, and my groupmates. Although I joked about it to my groupmates, I was embarrassed, as I had been here for every single practical. I felt stupid.
The second time I got lost, I was actually heading to ADL2, but one of my groupmates, who was walking in front of me, entered ADL1 (to find his girlfriend). And I became very confused and followed him into ADL1, where I wandered for probably around 15 minutes again before thinking, maybe it's the other door, and entered ADL2.
I also failed my driving exam as I zoned out and almost hit the car in front of me, despite trying my best to focus. But it was back in October.
I thought I had hit the rock bottom, but in the following months it got worse and I couldn't really understand the lecture notes, or anything med related. I felt ashamed, because I kind of know these weren't that difficult, but they just felt foreign. I just felt dyslexic. I didn't really ask for help from my friends, as even if they tried to explain to me in simple language, my brain couldn't keep up with it, as it was being preoccupied by suicidal thoughts, and also thoughts of "what if I was making it up".
I was ruminating my thoughts by day, and sometimes dream about related things by night.
It was just terrible and exhausting.
I failed my summative as well. It was an overall "poor fail". Despite trying my very best to revise, but I knew I was just struggling as I couldn't really focus on "studying" alone.
Luckily enough, I found a working study method- to actually pronounce the sentences, not just verbalising it in the head. Somehow it pauses the background rumination. And with original notes and intensive study sessions from the Supplementary Support Group and generous friends, it triggered me less and I managed to pass the supplementary exam. Or maybe because I stopped going to practicals and lectures, as there was none in summer.
After the release of supplementary exam results, I got in touch with Dr. Julie Chen, whom I told about the incident. She suggested some options i could take as the way forward, including her having a conversation with Dr. Jian Yang, small group meeting with the group of teachers responsible for the dissection practicals, and'or general education for all staff members in HKUMed, or alternatively I could take another route and report to the HKU Equal Opportunities Unit.
I felt like I wouldn't be receiving much feedback if I agreed to Dr. Julie Chen managing this incident, although she seemed helpful and nice. I checked the flowchart and regulations for the HKU EOU but seemed like I wasn't likely to receive the justice I desired.
I was lost. Yet I was hesitant if I wanted to call the police, because "what if I was making it all up", and "what if the faculty would kick me out as I was jeopardizing the future of a professor". And I didn't have proof anyways so calling the police wouldn't do much to the situation.
I was scared to go to the court if needed, as people might know I was the victim, and might target me in the future as well, as I looked so hesitant and naive.
What if I just made it all up? But it felt incredibly real. I could feel the pressure on my butt during my flashbacks. And I wouldn't accuse a random professor who wasn't in a group with me, it was trivial.
I felt slightly better than before, as I wouldn't enter a state of flashback upon mentioning about the harassment. It was still bad though, as I still couldn't decide what I wanted to do about it, yet I didn't want to suck it up, as this would mean he didn't receive any deterrent effect and might do it again to future medical students and traumatize them as well.
昨天中午和中學戰友M（也是MBBS同學）一起吃午飯！竟然是我們這麼多年來第一次一起吃午飯，啊哈哈哈哈
聽到了好多花生，令人震驚
不敢寫在這裡，不然萬一上報了我可不敢做出頭鳥
anyways我一直有點怕一個男孩子，是我們pbl組的，上次也一起去深圳。這個人他的聲音感覺很虛！就有點假假的，好像那種心平氣和是裝出來的。所以一直和他保持距離。上次唯一一次我聊天是因為他問我我是讀spcs嗎，原來他爸的朋友是我的數學老師！（還是我很喜歡的老師，雖然我上課一直不睬他，做其他科的東西）（哦，還有。。。。。。那個老師。。。叫Roy
Li哈哈哈哈哈哈哈wtf又是這個姓+名）啊啊啊哈ANYWAYS我一直忘了把放榜的合照發給老師，但他之後辭職了，所以一直沒有機會。（他應該記得我吧，因為我是我們學校兩年來唯一一個5**，笑死）然後這個PBL組的男孩子說他週末和爸爸一起見這個老師，於是我就把合照發給他，希望他能轉發給老師。
這是唯一我主動（？）發他訊息的一次，現在有點怕他知道我的喜好會怎麼樣
這不是重點！回到和同學M吃午飯震驚的消息
我的預感是對的！！！！這個人原來是不對勁的！幸好遠離了。
而且上次Chi Nok也單獨跟我說這個人“搞過佢”。（然後我沒有追問。）
M問我你知道這個人是怎麼樣的嗎？
我說感覺不太妙，好像挺虛偽？
M說，你知道好像他是bi的嗎？
我：？ok，反正聽說他搞過Chi Nok，他單獨跟我說的 你不要說出去啊（lmao我很壞又說出去了，唉 垃圾）
M：你說的“搞”是什麼搞？
我：搞還有分種類？額，老實說我也不清楚，我沒問。。errrr我猜，，，只是我預測的，應該是被他搞了聲譽？暗地裡搞點壞事情？
M：。。。。。
我：不是這種“搞”嗎？應該是我錯了
M：你知道他—————嗎？所以我剛才說他是bi啊
我：這和bi有什麼關係，這是人的問題，但是what the
huhhhhhhhhh 天哪，你可能是對的，Chi
Nok看起來像那種會被搞的人
啊啊啊
哎呀天哪我覺得這裡不能寫，不然就變成是我踢爆的了！雖然原來一直都是私底下傳開了的消息，但我消息不靈通，現在才知道。幸好我的直覺還是蠻準的啊啊啊啊，現在盡量避開這個人哇啊啊
然後M跟我說她被另一個人摸過的經歷，她說是harassment，我也分享了有個人靠過來很近的經歷，但應該不是吧？
？？？？？？？？？？？？
fuck我覺得不能寫，不然又會report掉，雖然我查了保密協議，應該沒事吧？啊哈哈哈哈啊
shhhhhhhhhh噓
反正很震碎三觀，hkumed的人很fucked up
the fuck bro
holy shit這就是大人的世界嗎？？感覺好有問題
天哪下次therapy說說吧
有毛病
不知道他什麼時候去完conference呢？去完再upload這幾篇，有點震撼，不能影響他哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
怎麼每週都有新發現！
像好多好多個潘多拉的盒子，我打開完又關不上，整地周圍都是打開的盒子，overflow出黑乎乎的黏液？？，在地上流淌著，像觸手一樣向我伸來？？？fuck
<--前幾天剛好玩到這裡，大概是靈感來源評論
1樓
靠！記得一段被表哥摁倒的經歷！喔！另外要上課但我已經遲了半小時，還在3號。。畫畫
2樓
。。現在回想，我不肯定他（同學）是不是真的沒有摸過我。因為好像有一次他“不小心”摸了我一下，但我不在意。。好像我轉頭他說不好意思，然後我沒當一回事？或者我記錯了。我不肯定。
3樓
反正我爸媽習慣說要打我屁股，然後有時候也打屁股/側面。好像習慣了。（直到小學是天天早上一定會拍一次，然後中學不太喜歡，所以他們趁我不在意就會打屁股。）
所以外人摸的話。。其實我沒有強烈排斥/覺得是性騷擾的地步啊，，尤其是如果道歉了。但好像不太對勁啊
