難道只是感激嗎？？！？！？！？！？！？？？

今天是今年頭十個最快樂的一天。

本來很擔心駕駛+下午的佛教quiz。昨天所有（有關學業的）東西都擔心和沮喪一次（因為有個考試考得不好因為我沒有背）（然後不少人都reply story安慰我（我不是很嚴重但是他們（不熟的close friend list人）覺得我很少放負（<--同學說的不是我猜的！）今天放負所以dm？（這是我猜的））

anyways 他們安慰+我自己做了點mindfulness然後好了一點（主要是mindfulness）

不過早上6點睡

早上8點起來，早上學車

不是很累，可能因為roommate很溫柔地順便叫我起床了（重點是她起床會告訴我用途e.g.我要學車->然後我才會：哦對哦！然後才起來。）

早到10分鐘，心情很好。昨天的所有lecture 和tutorial都早到了。

lecture有史以來第一次準時到。（而且因為要實行behavioural change plan，我的是準時到）每次和我坐一起的中學同學感到很驚奇！roommate的男朋友也看到然後走過來表達驚奇！然後後面的tutorial同學跟我說欸你準時欸！！！！（tutorial和lecture是不同psyc course）太棒了！！要獎勵自己哦！！ （因為project supposed要give reward or punishment）

大家都稱讚我，我感到好開心啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊我的“努力”被看見了！！

於是lecture後面的三個tutorial都早到了。今天的學車也早到了。

（可能這個準時是因為上次另一個lecture我遲了整整50分鐘，然後我一進去剛好放break，我和同一個中同訴說（因為她也take這個course），結果也被另一個tutorial的同學提及：哦那天其實我就坐在你正後面！記得你說坐了不夠兩分鐘就break了wwwww）（tutorial不是同一個同學）

好多人呀啊啊啊哈哈哈（或者我們已經成為了朋友？？wwwww）

ANYWAYS不是這個日記的重點！啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

okk上面是很開心，學車也是，Roy（C老師）又出現了哈哈哈啊哈哈哈！！！！其實一看到他的時候我已經放下了。不過，我靠，我知道為什麼我當時那麼喜歡他。聲音真的好！好！聽！！！！！！！！！！！！！啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

不過原本也沒有high

C：hii好耐冇見 最近點呀係咪都係好忙www

我：好耐冇見~好好多喇~

（對話繼續）

anyways我在場內兜了兩個圈，我就要出大路了！！

C:好似我冇yai單車幾年，但係上手又揸得返

我：嗯~

揸車很順利！！！！！！！

（雖然中間有次記錯路口以為係要轉彎時lam過隔離條線，跟住食咗人哋條線sls）

C：個司機令轉頭望咗你一眼wwwww

我：oh wwwwwwww

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等紅燈ing

無端端隔離架貨車出發了

我望燈，紅嘅

C望燈跟著一邊指住佢一邊伸手㩒個but but（bruh i forgot what's that called）

我哋目送佢揚長而去

爆笑ing

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啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊好好玩啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

佢仲記得我上年評論啲景色（有樹嘅路（wwwww））

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

同埋我又記得點解當時咁鐘意佢

聲音超好聽，超溫柔但是我覺得他如果要dominant也可以一定程度上dom起來

溫柔過arthur lor

or maybe arthur係“帶著一點火爆脾氣 fuck the world 的溫柔”？？？佢嗰隻係“隨和的 i dont really care 的溫柔”？？

不過溫柔又不等於愛

不過我感覺被輕輕地溫柔地托著就是了

總結：心情好像棉花

我覺得唔止感激 lor

（如果得感激我覺得好sad lor，咁都唔算喜歡？？？）

如果中學老師crush係體現在ドキドキ嘅心

咁C老師係令我感到ふわふわ嘅整個身體（不過呢個感覺之前有兩次therapy session完都有呢個感覺，一模一樣。一次咁啱有出post：2024年2月23日？完全忘了那天究竟說了什麼，我看了我的“快樂的”霧中小窩日記，但怎麼我感覺完全不快樂啊？？）

OH

LMFAO 我看了我的schedule book，當天上面畫了隻可愛的小狗，附註“舔狗！”

OK SLS ok so it was probably about that

SLS

huh why。。。。。errr 鬧完舔狗感覺很fuwafuwa係咩料wwww

可能係因為“被接納”？like我揸車出錯C老師唔會鬧我；我批評arthur佢都冇鬧我

ehheeheheh idk

。。。oh咁可能真係唔係愛

啊啊啊啊哎

唉反正痛哭流涕very briefly跟住開始寫日記+roommate返嚟就冇喊

原本痛哭流涕前係全日因為真係好開心所以好想喊（like一種難得終於品嘗到不嬲都feel唔完整嘅快樂嘅好rich嘅味道/顏色）（同埋個人真係好平和，C老師個vibe俾我一個非常平和同自在嘅感覺，我甚至覺得成績呢啲外在嘢似乎真係一啲都唔重要，最重要係當下我真係享受緊呢個如此快樂嘅moment）（全程由揸完車到返hku段路係度真微笑 兩邊面都笑）

aha

maybe暫時唔使糾結於呢個係咪愛掛。

不過確實好想知

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oh 同埋揸車今次唔係右邊窗出面倒後，宜家係前面wwwwww不過好彩都係停定先開始有呢個感覺。所以只要堅持拉手剎入空波就冇事

真心唔係架車問題

我有諗過係咪物理有啲咩地下好熱就有海市蜃樓嘅效果，不過個issue係右邊冇wor，上年係得右邊有前面冇

or maybe我唔夠瞓

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unrelated

有段時間無端端啲diary fuck you，其中一個原因（other than其他已經go though過嘅原因）係因為。。。。。。。

。。。。

err

因為

因為之前你“食物中毒”跟住我喺個diary祝你get well soon同埋安慰你考唔到醫學院不過你冇反應，所以有啲破防。。。。。。。。errrrr yeah 跟住我就嬲咗。。。。

errrrr diu我有啲神經質

CLS

唔通真係有啲bpd wwwwwwwww

感覺好多嘢mix埋一舊

anyways真係有啲（非常）好奇究竟我個case寫咗啲咩wwwwwwwww

what should i do??????

 dream back on 10 Oct, about how my roommate cuts her entire arm and it got bloody, when I thought she was studying

fuck bro we both suicidal and self harm, (idk if she's currently like this too) (and idk what methods she self harmed before- not too important anyways) but FuCK i was so worried about you

i mean her

but UEAGsdfusofhdj

shes still in precontemplation about going to therapy because she got betrayed back in her older uni therapy centre/ told her advisor + classmistress + dept head + parents + all that kind of shit

so it was very understandable to not try another uni wellness service

but then if she is like this i was really worried if she would get even worse and eventually actually getting worser than worst and fucked up her brain and shit like ive done previously

aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i dont want to see this happen in others

it's like watching this as a bystander but I can't really help and it would be bad and unwise for me to push her/ force her cuz that would do more harm than good

like at least she trusts me and her bf now, this rapport is important; plus if she goes to therapy unwillingly and unprepared, it's gonna be ineffective

but holy im so worried

for her

she wasn't planning to go therapy because she believes she already hit her worst back in tsinghua

and there's no use getting therapy now, as the worst was already "done"

and like she pushes herself too much to ace everything and A+ and GPA 4.3 and I am very sure eventually she would break down cuz no ones perfect (which she had a mini breakdown yesterday but now she acted she was fine - I knew her expression- it's like how you'll deliberately smile to tell others youre fine but it's 此地無銀三百兩 i knew it because i did that too) (and she said shes "trying to be fine" - ye i can see youre trying but I just felt like you're gonna shatter any moment),

she cried and stated "she just wanted the recognition for her effort" (thats why she kept pushing)

i think i asked her about recognition from who, she said from others

i didn't ask further because she looked tired and later said needed some quiet time

imo judging from all her past history (+ my stipulated history of her)

here are some aspects to delve into for her

upbringing most likely has some underlying issues esp being brought up in a divorced family

1. she kept taking care of her 1st mother's feelings, how she felt she needed to comfort her mother when her grandmother was bad to her mother

2. i think she kept trying to seek joy from others, and is unable to discover her inner joy

    like finding relationships very quickly and she just met this bf for 4 days before confirming the relationship (like sept she was still complicated from old relationship and then suddenly bam new bf so quick) (maybe im just kinda traditional and not used to the fast-food type of relationship building, but I think this is a meaningful lead)

    the caveat is that i believe she needs her own realisation instead of "chur"ing others to provide for her (which might happen in therapy)

3. she thought she was controlling of others and wanted to make others to strive the same way as she do

    i think imo she wasn't like the "controlling" type of controlling; there's something under

    maybe similar to point 2

4. shes just too too overload and i think she looks very guilty if she kinda rested a bit (which imo it does not count as rest) - and got sick twice already and it wasn't even two months in

5. she felt complicated when she helped so many other people in their assignments but they score better than her; and she appears "upset" that she wonders "if she couldn't be nice to others anymore"

    so many possible questions but I am not gonna be the one asking and probing her

aaAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i think i also kinda triggered her accidentally as one time i was holding my eyebrow razor (uhm with razor head down as if i am going to use it later- which i am (not in front of her))

 and she uhm looked at my whole person with a different vibe very briefly

and i wasnt sure if she noticed my very superficial cuts oh im guilty

maybe later we will be cutting besties noooooooooooooooooooooooo dont

i dont know if she knows the sad reality that there was always a worse than the apparent "worst"

so she should actually seek help before it's too late

but our (high achievers) definition of " late"... is a bit later that the "recommended late"...