what should i do??????

 dream back on 10 Oct, about how my roommate cuts her entire arm and it got bloody, when I thought she was studying

fuck bro we both suicidal and self harm, (idk if she's currently like this too) (and idk what methods she self harmed before- not too important anyways) but FuCK i was so worried about you

i mean her

but UEAGsdfusofhdj

shes still in precontemplation about going to therapy because she got betrayed back in her older uni therapy centre/ told her advisor + classmistress + dept head + parents + all that kind of shit

so it was very understandable to not try another uni wellness service

but then if she is like this i was really worried if she would get even worse and eventually actually getting worser than worst and fucked up her brain and shit like ive done previously

aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i dont want to see this happen in others

it's like watching this as a bystander but I can't really help and it would be bad and unwise for me to push her/ force her cuz that would do more harm than good

like at least she trusts me and her bf now, this rapport is important; plus if she goes to therapy unwillingly and unprepared, it's gonna be ineffective

but holy im so worried

for her

she wasn't planning to go therapy because she believes she already hit her worst back in tsinghua

and there's no use getting therapy now, as the worst was already "done"

and like she pushes herself too much to ace everything and A+ and GPA 4.3 and I am very sure eventually she would break down cuz no ones perfect (which she had a mini breakdown yesterday but now she acted she was fine - I knew her expression- it's like how you'll deliberately smile to tell others youre fine but it's 此地無銀三百兩 i knew it because i did that too) (and she said shes "trying to be fine" - ye i can see youre trying but I just felt like you're gonna shatter any moment),

she cried and stated "she just wanted the recognition for her effort" (thats why she kept pushing)

i think i asked her about recognition from who, she said from others

i didn't ask further because she looked tired and later said needed some quiet time

imo judging from all her past history (+ my stipulated history of her)

here are some aspects to delve into for her

upbringing most likely has some underlying issues esp being brought up in a divorced family

1. she kept taking care of her 1st mother's feelings, how she felt she needed to comfort her mother when her grandmother was bad to her mother

2. i think she kept trying to seek joy from others, and is unable to discover her inner joy

    like finding relationships very quickly and she just met this bf for 4 days before confirming the relationship (like sept she was still complicated from old relationship and then suddenly bam new bf so quick) (maybe im just kinda traditional and not used to the fast-food type of relationship building, but I think this is a meaningful lead)

    the caveat is that i believe she needs her own realisation instead of "chur"ing others to provide for her (which might happen in therapy)

3. she thought she was controlling of others and wanted to make others to strive the same way as she do

    i think imo she wasn't like the "controlling" type of controlling; there's something under

    maybe similar to point 2

4. shes just too too overload and i think she looks very guilty if she kinda rested a bit (which imo it does not count as rest) - and got sick twice already and it wasn't even two months in

5. she felt complicated when she helped so many other people in their assignments but they score better than her; and she appears "upset" that she wonders "if she couldn't be nice to others anymore"

    so many possible questions but I am not gonna be the one asking and probing her

aaAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i think i also kinda triggered her accidentally as one time i was holding my eyebrow razor (uhm with razor head down as if i am going to use it later- which i am (not in front of her))

 and she uhm looked at my whole person with a different vibe very briefly

and i wasnt sure if she noticed my very superficial cuts oh im guilty

maybe later we will be cutting besties noooooooooooooooooooooooo dont

i dont know if she knows the sad reality that there was always a worse than the apparent "worst"

so she should actually seek help before it's too late

but our (high achievers) definition of " late"... is a bit later that the "recommended late"...