Read

 Lol feel like not giving you diary is giving you less work

So i will give you more diary

Brief summary

1. Yesterday my parents both left the house when i woke up, and i was rather hungry but want an actual meal instead of snacks, I prepared a very simple breakfast of egg and heat some leftovers from last night from the fridge. Egg last time was prettier, but this egg is tastier because of the sauce from the leftover

2. While i was washing the dish mum came home with takeaway for me and find it amusing i guess, i told her i made an egg. She seemed okay with it, maybe slightly happy lol.

So yeah turned out i have takeaway

3. I forgot what i was gonna say, but i have dreams every day now, lol, you got more dream log to read

4. Yay a small doll i waited for a couple of months came, texture was pretty nice. Also 集運 a few items, including a furry phone case. Ik it’s almost summer but cuteness >> practicality. Anyways I think my finance is improving, I’m not blindly restricting myself from buying stuff but I am also controlling my spending

ordered it back in jan

Hhhhahahahahahhaha

5. Not gonna get angry with you because I will spend my time to study instead of on you

👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻

Also I didn’t follow the last few days of my study schedule lmao i cant catch up anymore, i guess now the only sensible choice is to memorise answers like year one summative, by now memorising answers guarantees more correct answers instead of learning (i hope they give around the same amount of pp as in year one)

Yayayayayayayayaya 5/20 bro why lol very interesting

Hahahahshshdshhsahahahahahahahahahaha laugh die

The massage dream! I want to talk about the massage dream!!

Oh also i discovered a new channel called Sakura no Sono

Lesbian channel, top girl vibe a bit like ruth LMAO

Good

Also idk why but i just don’t think ruth is entirely straight, but it might be pretty rude to assume people’s preferences lol (but i got every impression of her wrong so far so… idk)

Meehutao is also rather interesting, the man is usually in Japanese bathing robe

Hahaahahahahahahahahaha wahahahaahaha

Thats the end of my sharing

>:D

hmm also back in f2 i imagine myself as top instead and was slightly sad by the fact that i dont have a dick lol. now? idk, not so much. both are good

Trash

 Hmm mum sent a screenshot asking me if i like a certain skirt. Huh I was surprised. Unfortunately not the kind i wanted so i declined

Secondly dad asked me if i wanna eat sushiro yesterday afternoon. Surprising. He hasn’t been to/ wanted to go to any Japanese restaurant since the nuclear wastewater thing. I declined (because I already booked tmr (today)’s sushiro). Sometimes I wonder if there is some sort of familial telepathy. Because I haven’t mentioned anything about sushi and sushiro recently/ this year. Such a coincidence.

Third, I did absolutely nothing. Now it’s almost 4am. Tmr’s friday. Supposed there is a “mock exam” organised by near peer teaching in med campus, but they’re gonna host a live zoom session too. I’m thinking of staying poly u instead. Closer to sushiro, less commute time, and I got the stuff I needed to print so far the day before yesterday already.

Have to work exxxxtrrraaaaa hard tmr!!!! And need to wash hair…,, fUCK

Lmfao my only two kind of motivation for washing hair is: 1. Very itchy and dirty and unbearable or 2. Go therapy

Bruh !!!!

Also seems Ivan ignoring my messages since the day before yesterday. It’s been almost two days. Today he announced he’ll delete ig to study. Hopefully I wasnt too annoying. Maybe I shouldn’t send too much stuff

Maybe i shouldn’t write too much here too

But it’s my diary

It’s mine

—

Edit: oh wait the main point of the diary. It should be

Having daily mini roast with mum again. I told her to stop forcing me. She answered something like, 拿槍口指住你的頭才算逼！我有拿槍威脅你嗎？你要分得清哪種是逼 哪種不是！

Anyways idc anymore i just asked her is it only guns count, she said yes

Kndoamsdisksjdsk anyways good night i should sleep

Feels a bit lonely but it was me who told you to go away

:/

It’s like if people approach too proactively my instinct would be they’re definitely up to something, i can sense trouble sooner or later. But if people are uninterested in me I’d think they’re probably benign because they’re not trying to get something from me

I should fix this. And my awful temper. Seems difficult though. And also stop myself from stalking people. And also to build longer relationships without me randomly disappearing, bruh. Let’s add them to the session objectives. Lmao

Square one

 Bruh

Woke up late and i had many tasks to do so I… stopped

Now 7pm still havent done a single thing

Everything waiting for me

Brudhsishaksjkedjkwaksd

I cant really answer this thing in the Finch game/ app too

Because I agree with my bird it is kind of rude

Bruh

My study plan…,,.,.,..,… i wanna give up but i cant lol, but i think i cant start in the next hour either

I should probably go and wash my hair which i was supposed to do when i wake up in the morning

So sleepy

——

Fickckkkkckck 10pm now i think if i stay home i get nothing done wtfffff

Anyways did a quiz

https://insideout2-quiz.tw/?fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAabsX2J4g2MCzTfCkJ7VQLVRnyLl3b1zR8TY3Oc7g-rgjurT2YCX4FtXqK8_aem_AasTm0DGGIPGddirt5fxejoJvCtiix-zReE9aCb9tX18MmkyhdJhEOEn7abY2uqIpptkXLuRfrVWeJAw3f9he9Up

I am 厭厭

bruhhhhhhhhhhh

I dont like it

… ^ omg thats literally disgust

Ajajshwidhejfi aaaaaaa whaaaat bruh i feel called out

Expired

 Expired wishes

Im wondering what I can get from this house

Oh on a brighter side when I came home after midnight today Dad had reorganised my clothes pile so it is more tidy now. A bit sudden though

Anyways seems like I have no hope in getting a new chair anyways (the bday wish 2 months ago) (well actually quite a few years now)

I don’t really want it anymore

Also attempting to “utilise family resources” by requesting mum to buy me a skirt a week ago, though she never brought the topic up again. She was browsing taobao every day to window shop her own clothes though. And usually if she meant to buy something it will definitely arrive in 3 days.

So maybe I don’t really want a skirt now

Omg, cognitive dissonance, finding internal justification bexause there is insufficient external justification 

Bruh

Also today morning i took a nap so I wasted it, now I am behind on schedule, i used today to make up for yesterday’s progress. So everything is delayed for one day. But I cannot afford the delay because there is literally no time and I planned the schedule just right

So tmr I need to work double the amount

Yesterday I wanted to buy Monster to try it the first time in my life, I wanted to try it for quite a long time now because I was curious of the effect (so much i dreamt it in the “caffeine” dream(?))

Posted a close friend story to ask for opinions (on what flavour to get) (at last I didn’t buy it and I grabbed a japanese vegetable drink - because it would be so sour that it would wake me up)

And many friends and classmates and people I haven’t chatted for years but in good terms replied, it was one of my most “popular” story recently

Idk why a lot of people are active all of a sudden, maybe because I seldom post stories

Or maybe they like the drink and they wanted to give advice

Anyways need to sleep early, tmr have to wash hair, water plant, go to school, study 

Today only studied like 5 hours and my brain is already saturated with knowledge

Also yesterday i went to poly u and their canteen improved a lot compared to last year, the rice didn’t feel like plastic beads anymore. It is edible and not bad

I heard it was by cafe de coral but i think they havent changed the supplier - so it’s the chef’s problem not the supplier itself

Also poly u lib is sooooo quiet and spacious because polyu students had finished their exams, very nice

Id stay here if not for printing stuff (i still have 1000+ points/ units/ quota to use before semester ends- that’s like… 666 full colour duplex pages fyi 3.3unit per page; if black and white it’s just 0.67unit oml) and public holidays

Sleepy

No time to practice foul language- i should spend my time memorising my study notes instead lmfao

Aaaaaaaa

And tbh i think i already narrowed down approx your neighbourhood lmfaoskjdoekzmxj

I mean the few people I know living there all keep dogs at their homes,,,,, and it looks like an appropriate place for pets to appear LMAO

Imagining if one day maybe when i get rich and i get older and living alone and randomly I’m walking around the district and i see you walking the dog i can go and pet it if she isnt afraid hahhahahahahah hehehehehehehehhe

But you walk your dog so far??? Idk anyways rather interesting 

asdjlksdjdfk

 me rn:

mixed feelings that is worse than a bowl of salad, feels like a concoction of mushroom paste, mayonnaise, peanut butter and jam and whatever

unpalatable

---

oh wowieeee next session is 5/20 wowieeeeee !!!! So I cannot be angry. And we will talk about the interesting dream to fit the theme of 5/20. wowoowowie

LOVE AND PEACE

huhhmmmmph👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻

wakakakkakaka

---

omg bruh I was a bit dumb I wanted to try the yoghurt in IKEA, I was literally in CityPlaza but I didn't go, noooo, and I wanted to go check out muji but I didn't bruh smh

wanted to go shopping alone, maybe only have time after exam

I planned my schedule for the coming week yesterday

i booked sushiro for friday though LMAO very nice

and apparently buddha bday hku library and canteen remain open, poly u doesnt. hku so hardworking lmao, I guess i'll take a trip there to study and print stuff lol

i got everything planned, I also abided to my sleep schedule, and seems my concentration is returning because I disabled google doc comments ?? but still easily tired (way better than previously though - I logged 6 hours today - and my focus is driven by the fear of failing) (but still worse than high school)

---

hmph seems like you aren't interested in my daily life section of my diary >:( i think you told me to write less huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ??

so you want the diary to be all about scolding you or liking you and your dog and ruth

huh

also my mum scold me every day now because I am rude

I have a bad temper now and my menstruation hasn't arrived yet, it is delayed

so annoying >:( and I dreamt I roasted her

if I continue to write this much every day this week, maybe I'll update the doc on saturday instead of sunday because I am being nice

>:o

bruh I feel like an angy tiny pomeranian dog

dont get me wrong i am still angry

 fack uouuuououu

ok although i wrote i wont share my diary again, i still want to write, bruh!!! 立flag必倒

probably releasing all these diary entries the day before therapy so you get to read a whole bunch >:((

hmmmmmph!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways hahhhhhhhhh so angry but so ironic i got this very horny dream the night of therapy

HMMMMPH

i need to discuss the dream, because it is fun and important and I want to listen to You saying the dream >:OOOOOO

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa xDDDDDDDDD broooooo BRUH

hmph hmph hmph

bro staying angry is tiring and youre gonna leave me hanging for 10 days bruh hmph

- ok the main point of todays entry is

I was thinking again when did I start watching porn

seems like it was not p3, probably p1 when I discovered nude photos I just went to watch porn pics

all women pics though

and I mentioned my 表哥 (actually not blood related) (mom's sis's husband's previous family's son) tried to 摁倒 me one time when i was small right

i remembered during our travel every year (we stay in their house), he would show his dick every time before he goes showering, and my mum's sis would yell and tell him not to, meanwhile another adult would cover my eyes (but I wanted to watch so I peeked)

That was definitely before puberty though, because I remember those few years his dick was tiny as fuck

LMFAO thats all I remember, so funny

also my porn addiction(?) started definitely before I enter secondary, because I remembered, one time this p2 kid from the class I was looking after as a school prefect in p6, she newly learnt this word "鹹濕", so one time she chuckled and yelled at me "prefect姐姐你好鹹濕啊"

and I recalled clearly I was actually in shock and kind of nervous (because I was indeed watching a lot of porn), but I pretended to be confused and responded "?? what no" to her

I think around p3 I was watching those pics in a restaurant with my mum next to me and dad opp to me, but seems they didn't know (or they pretended they didn't see me watching), so yeah

,,

oh and also f4 my horniness level reached maximum and one time this 表哥 and the family came hong kong to sightsee

and I really really craved sex

me (say like 16 years old)(yeah pretty sure 16 because I was thinking I am "finally legal to have sex" back then) and my mum went to the hotel they were staying, and we need to take care of 表哥 (also 16 but slightly older) and 表妹 (around 10?)

and I would try my best to seduce my 表哥 every time my mum wasn't looking or sis was away。。。

(side note I think I am also trying to seduce you bruh but like, on a serious note, I have to stress that actually I want to see you happily ever after with your wife, and Amber) (youre cute though)

for example we went exploring the hotel, we went to the gym and I would try to hump the yoga ball in front of him,,,,,,, (the spiky yoga ball actually felt good)

oh my god

but he just didn't look interested at all

he was playing games and watching gaming videos on his phone

oh those few years he was always wechatting someone on the phone and his wallpaper was a pretty secondary school girl, idk if it was online pic or someone he knows irl, because the girl was actually kinda pretty. But every time I wanna peek at his phone he would shy away, so mAYbe he was having a relationship LOL

,,, and I remember one occasion (another year probably f5ish) i was super horny in the hotel, (our family was travelling and that day both of them went out and I stayed in the hotel room), I almost wanted to just walk out and knock on other people's doors to ask people to fuck me,,, but my rational mind says no, so I didn't

I DONT KNOW WHY I AM SO HORNY WTF

and this time I am having this pretty nice not gonna lie dream with you but I am pretty sure it was because my menstruation is starting soon so it was the hormones again

aaaaaaaaaaa FUCK

but im still very angry !!! fuck! 

--

ah and i think i mentioned before but in f4 i had two weeks of not seeing the classmistress at school (coincidentally no lessons of her for two weeks), and then the lesson she finally walked into I got super... aroused. like face really red and i was very wet, and classmates all came after lesson to tell me my face and ears were super red. Till now this remains the "most aroused occasion without actually masturbating".

fuck! I think you're actually still mad. oh my god i fucked up, gonna wait and post this next week

so weird I should be apologising in the "im sorry" diary and the last paragraph is "fuck you", maybe Im not actually sorry, LMAO aaaaaaaaaaaaa fuck

i mean both things can coexist at the same time cuz theyre different matters

-

also thought of a way to stop my impulse from diverting the topic, it was actually a method I used back in high school, when I thought of a new topic but I am studying, I would write the topic down on a memo pad, and then I can rest my mind and go back to studying. Probably works in therapy, I can use your board lol

and I tend to stay on topic more if text messaging because if I see what I am typing and double check what the person was texting, I would realise it would be awkward to start a new topic, so I would force myself to stay on topic, but I don't have this awkward feeling if I am speaking verbally, so I tend to divert topics

Also if I am chatting with my friends, we can open multiple topics in different chat rooms and apps and chat all the topics at the same time. for example instagram alt accounts/ whatsapp, so usually when we chat we are on two to three topics simultaneously and this was super fun for both of us.

many friends communicate in this style with me so I actually didn't realise jumping topics was an issue

my mum jumps topics way too broadly though, last sentence can be about drinking straws and milk tea, the next would be it is raining soon, and the next would be hahaha you have to watch this interesting video. Thats too "jumpy" for me

i mean i would at least talk for like 3-5 sentences/ around when I think I finished discussing this and this is not interesting to me anymore, before jumping to another. Her's just confusing

Maybe I am too self-centered or "wants to control the discussion" by jumping to topics I am interested in, I think you're trying to make me admit that last session, but staying in one single topic for 30 minutes is just way too boring. Even if it was a very very interesting topic, uhm random example "hmm in what position should arthur fuck me, doggy style or missionary", I can't discuss this for 30 minutes. Hmm if it was the massage dream, since it has part 1 and 2, that counts as two topics so it was better. If it is a boring topic like "what food do u like best", I can't even last the discussion for 10 minutes, literally 話題終結者.

now that i think about it if I update the dream log too late/ too close to next session you can be like fuck it im not reading, so I am gonna pick a time when you should be able to finish reading all if you meant it

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa not giving you diary is like giving you more free time >:O but im angry so i want to punish you

you look like you want to see me explode and youre gonna eat peanut and im gonna be a clown >:O

reluctant to admit but i drew you again >:OOaaaa

I can't lash out because you speak swear words way more fluently than me and I will definitely lose in an argument LMAO hmph

im going to practice swearing just for this

how do i show im actually kind of angry without swearing.. hmm

bruh you think Im not sad because I look happy every time, bruh thats because this is the happiest hour in the week bruh, if im not happy in this hour I dont have other times when Im happy (except masturbating and dreaming)

see???? no one understands my emotions I gave you my diary and you think I am happy (well recent months yeah, and real sad I wont have energy to write)

also multiple times when we meet at like the waiting room you think i am happy when I look sad, and you think I look sad when I am happy, huh??

i hope you dont think i fake sad to get attention and therapy lol... smiling doesnt mean im not upset

and laughing could mean I am angry or sad or happy or embarrassed

and i think you got my attachment method wrong, ill mention again it is fearful avoidant / disorganised one (anyways so many names, the mixed one) so yes i want to be closer to people but i dont like it when people are being too proactive, so I am like a repelling magnet, so i dont understand why that one session you kept saying I want closeness and I dont entirely agree but you kept saying so i had to agree

:(((((((((( but you did a lot for me we moved the couch in and you had to rearrange everything so I shouldnt be angry

if you want an easy way to make me cry you can just scold me and I'll instantly cry, but I will be very sad

I wonder what ways youre gonna make me release my anger, you set this cliffhanger last time and I am curious, idk if I get to try that next time, I'm guessing it was some kind of hypnosis LOL, I mean you have the couch and random egyptian bell, but I checked your company website seems like it was the other magician guy who knows hypnosis, not you...? omg idk if I can actually be hypnotized, my mind seems rather aware, and im scared if my subconscious would spit out some even more fucked up shit and then you'll hate me forever and dont like me anymore lol, like what if my subconsciousness says I am actually just lazy and im not sad at all I made it all up, but im curious too so I dont mind trying

--------

part 2 (idk why I really want to share a lot all of a sudden)

random memory

 suddenly remembered my mum telling me that 姑媽 told her (mum) I told her (姑媽) that 表哥 kissed me; and mum tell me not to believe 姑媽 (and mum always dislike 姑媽 because she believed 姑媽 discriminate her background that she's from mainland and she's my dad's second wife)

I remembered back then internally I was thinking: but i think it was true

but i didnt tell mum

and then many years of mum telling me 姑媽 is bad, I started to believe the kiss never happened. I am slightly skeptical of this now still, but at the back of my mind I kind of think it actually happened

idk lol

I think it was just a kiss in the cheek though, nothing really serious, we were both young, but feels a bit off

--

also i think i have a kink of "about to be discovered", because last week I was doing it again, I was alone at home, but I don't feel really "excited", I was slightly disappointed, but then I heard my parents coming home and opening the front door, and immediately I got excited and real 潮吹 again (it was obvious on my bedsheet) bruh

oh my god bruhhhhh

--

this is weird I hope I didn't have something seriously wrong sexually when I was small. Kind of weird to be horny starting at a young age

disgustingggggggggGGGGG

--

idk why but I dreamt Arthur twice in a row, bruh 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻

super scared of receiving feedback idk if he's still mad/ what he thinks so I turned off comments yesterday/ today before sleep at like 5am lmfao

hmm but if I release the diary too late he won't comment :((

bruh so 矛盾

--

also kind of comforting and reassuring to see him showing he has other emotions like anger, and him getting off the bus and blending in with random people/ the crowd on the street, idk why but it made me less anxious because he is just "another ordinary person".

---

dinner with charlotte

i talked about angry me, angry arthur and my bus ride, and also briefly about the very enlightening dream

she said she also dreamt one time she was having sex with a black man lmao

then she proposed a theory that I always couldnt dream what happens after the "preparing stage/ massage" aka the actual sex because I don't have actual experience having sex, so I couldn't imagine it

which kind of makes sense omg lmao

hmmm?? then does it mean she is not virgin

very interesting

---

also was thinking if i have some 欺善怕惡 characteristics because i only stop when the person looks mad

aii

—

Hmm also another random reason for wanting to know where/ what area you live is because I was brainstorming with ivan where would a suitable area to keep a dog and have mountains, and he said it is either Nam Cheong or South Horizons, meanwhile my instinct from the very beginning is that you definitely doesn’t feel like a “HK Island person” and I was wild guessing TKO/ Tai Wai/ Tsuen Wan, half suspected Cheung Sha Wan but quickly ruled out because I don’t think you’re living in the very urban area because you don’t have that “tension” but not really in the countryside say like Tuen Mun because you don’t drive to work

More “New town but not too far” vibe and you have that red/ green/ brown line but not too centered vibe

And i kind of want to prove my instinct was right and he was wrong because he laughed at my hypothesis of non-HK island vibe

(And then you skipped 4X and went for 33X, which says A LOT about where you approximately live)

Sorry

Very random and wild guess but you just can tell, for example ruth doesnt give a New Territories vibe at all, im thinking more HK Island; Ursmar gives me a more a Kowloonish vibe instead of HK Island

I may be wrong but i just kinda felt that way lol ???

I'm sorry

 Sorry for riding the bus

I won't do that again

I kept trying to sabotage our relationship, I kept stepping across the boundary but you never get mad

.................why why why

:( this is scary I dont like this

I felt less scared when I saw you super black face walking down from upper deck though...it felt familiar

f2 classmistress and f4 classmistress also put up a black face all the time (regardless of if I stalk or not)

it felt nostalgic and reassure me that they are not faking being nice to me

seems like this mindset would drive me away from genuine nice people and gravitate towards people with bad temper... or I would intentionally fuck around until genuinely nice people get angry

I mean, everyone I liked has gotten mad or tired of me or scolded me at some point... but just you not yet, it just felt off

I want to discuss this in person but I might forget what I wanna say, so I type here first

I think I like to provoke the person I am angry at to be angry, so they will initiate the argument, and then I will have an "excuse" to be angry back...

Also how do I scold people when I can't even speak swear words... (except for descriptive purposes)... I can only type...

Well, sorry for riding the bus, I was slightly curious about where you live and finally there was a day when I finally saw you guys at the bus stop. But I also don't understand why I deliberately followed up onto the upper deck, when I clearly know that if I was really determined to find out where you're going, I can stay at the lower deck, and then you'll get off the bus at the "correct" bus stop (because you might be exiting at a wrong bus stop if you know I am watching)(but that will freak you out even more though if you find out), and if I really meant it, I can get off too, and then I can possibly follow you in the MTR etc.

I didn't really understand why I want to show you I was stalking, this makes no sense

Maybe my objective isn't to find our where you live, maybe I just want to trigger you

and I kind of "gave" you the choice to fake out by exposing myself, but it was me who intruded your privacy

Back then I was still thinking I could just lie and say such a coincidence I was on this bus too, huh idk you were here, im on my way to find a friend; or I can just say the truth

Anyways I got off at Taikoo, I didn't follow you after you got off, if that makes you less worried

I also did not take photos of you when you are going down the stairs in the bus. (Because you looked super angry) (But you were very pretty that day). If it was back then in f2, I would've took pics (despite the person looking angry asf)... especially when I sat in such a perfect spot... hmm I was even more reckless back then

This also kind of fulfilled my teenage wish of stalking my teacher back home after school. I never had the chance to do it because I had to get back home at a fixed time back then.

I won't do it anymore :( Sorry

I think I also tend to transform my anger into guilt by doing unpleasant things on them and then I became guilty instead of angry

Sorry I am just terrible I shouldn't find excuses for stalking

Why you haven't scold me yet

I am giving you reasons to scold but i dont know what's going on

why are you so chill?????????????? why??????????????

:(((((((((( bro

sigh, also back then I was looking for where you were sitting, but I stepped on a fat dude's foot while taking my seat

I think he yelled, I wasn't sure

And then I sat

And I think I heard him telling me I stepped

So I apologised

and I think he was still kind of angry and yelling at me, something about saying sorry isnt enough?

I am not sure, because my earplugs noise cancelling too good this whole time

so I ignored him and spammed chat with ivan, I think ivan grew tired of me too

also kind of weird that I felt happy because someone is scolding me, because I felt like I deserve it because I am too awful

so yeah, maybe apologizing is not enough, but what else can I do (regarding this stalking event) (I'll stop physically stalking i guess). What else can you do (for misunderstanding what I said).

so I have no point getting angry

and it already happened, and the problem is probably solved

so there is no point

and I angered two people on one bus ride, idk if I am being successful or not

Terrible

fuck youuuu fuck meeeee this is shittttt aaaaaa I made it worse

dont comment aaaaaaa noooo

bye ill revise, no more diary for you😭😭 dont get closer

get well soon

 :O

get well soon

im not really that angry lah cuz you didn't say that with a malicious intent, and people aren't always perfect

and I am not that wanting to die now so it is ok

i am still slightly confused why after that random day with big headache, my thoughts seem more normal ever since, lol i guess it wasn't a bad thing when I need a relatively clearer mind for exams

lol new follow abs guy, lmaoooo so funny u wanna keep fit ?? hahahahah sent to ivan cuz he likes bigger abs but not me, but didn't dare to spam him cuz idk how he feel about the cancelled session so i cant get too energetic

hilarious hahahahahah ??

:P 

couldn't focus for fucks sake today, tmr's psyc final will probably flop, i still couldnt bring myself to study but it is past midnight already

idc... i mean my osca went well, so yeah, it was all that matters

😭mum kept knocking on my door im so fed up haha

also morning of osca exam before leaving home, i asked her if there is a traditional watch for me to wear, cuz i cant really wear smartwatch to exam

and there was not a single working watch at home, except dad's metal ones, and I don't and can't wear (too loose for my wrist + edges too sharp)

whole time my mum was super emotional and kept blaming me i asked her too late now theres none, my fault etc... meanwhile I just kept amusingly say "y u so 激動？" and I also said no watch is ok, perfectly fine, but she kept talking about the watch and panicking rushing around yelling, lmfao I'm not even panicking why u so panic, and I tried my best to not observe my own true emotions / try to ignore my emotions, and just observe

anyways i left saying i ask for a watch and i got nothing in return but a bunch of scolding right before my exam, lol

the people and friends next to me in waiting room kept telling me to not worry because my face looks very red. I dont know lol, I felt similar as usual. I always exam with this level of stress ?

so my osca was smooth (slightly dumb, i revised a question with AI the day before, the doctor raised the exact same question, but I wasn't aware theyre the same thing and "didn't know" the answer ! but everyone else (except ivan lol) doesn't know the answer so it wasn't disastrous LOL) (and i imagined and mentally prepared for all possible worst case scenarios in osca including mind blank; examiners are that professor or academic advisor or previous pbl tutors that would made me super nervous)

(all the procedures were kinda fine, so I will pass this)

kinda (slightly) annoyed but I gotta keep my mood and spirit up until I finish all my exams hehe

afternoon felt a bit bad but im not gonna indulge in the sadness, if any, but cant work either, time wasted

hope you get better :3 it is ok

and haha you start idling on the google doc, interesting

and last time commented on tuesday, very interesting

still kinda feel like it's my fault for your "sick leave" oops (ivan sent me a screenshot of his email in the morning. And now I will remember the office mofusan guy is Ursmar)

or maybe I should start becoming less self-conscious and thinking everything revolves around me

though my instinct usually works (except on Ruth), interesting

it is my prized tool, i rely on instinct on a lot of stuff since small i guess

hmmmm heuristics

sometimes i feel like that famous experiment monkey who chose the fake doll mother instead of metal mother with food ?? so pathetic every day my emotional attachment are dolls

shit i should really start cramming for the midterm, tmr 930 lmfao

but i need to wash hair first

here is a pic of riolu sunbathing. :D

我、、、靠？、、、

 開始踏進另一種喜歡了？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

開始聽我的沉船playlist？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？？我靠！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！shit

shiiitttttttttttttttttttttttthahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahah

要

理

智

！

啊

嘿嘿~~

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊！！

----------

ok

說回正事~！

我忘了我要說什麼！！

-------

OK 我本來是要感歎~！

但是現在這個vibe好像不太對勁！我要嚴肅一點！

ok 經過上次的分享！大概你以另一個身份“回到”醫學院，可能也是在了卻一樁心願，或者在以另一個方式彌補遺憾吧！感覺很美好甚至可以算是有點幸福？

所以~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~！我覺得我要繼續寫日記！！我覺得寫我的校園生活你可以像一個旁觀者一樣同行。。？就好像一起上醫學院一樣。（雖然可能有時候我的校園生活有點fucked up，希望以後沒有這些離譜的教授！anyways耶！）：D

耶耶耶感覺很有意義呢！（就算你可能說你不需要但是我也會繼續寫的。！！）

啊啊啊啊啊啊哈嘿嘿誒嘿

----

哎呀上次想到好多話題你都不讓我說。。！！哎呀哎呀本來想說看到個post你的老婆去台灣學訓練amber！不過上次你說你的牌子是近來去台灣買的！所以！兩件事情合起來了！你們一起去台灣旅遊了！啊啊啊啊啊啊啊我也要去旅行！！！！！！！啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊哈哈哈哈

我靠我要睡覺了明天真的要早起！！！啊哈哈哈哈哈！！！！！

另外覺得Arthur和Amber很押韻，非常有趣。

哈哈哈哈！

不過已經想了Arf是新花名。

耶耶耶耶耶耶耶

（我跟charlotte分享了我這個絕妙的點子。

哈哈hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm hope youre okay with it LOL）

我一直在猜你的mbti

hmmmmmmmmm但是還是搞不太懂你究竟是I還是E

我大概猜了但是我得找我的mbti達人朋友確定一下（上次幫我猜C老師mbti那個朋友）（哦！這個就是我也有點不順眼，中間很生氣但你問我為什麼我又答不上來那個！）

我覺得我每個朋友都有特點（功利點來說就是利用之處）所以不能斷交啦

不過雖然我可能很不順眼很多人，但如果他們傾訴煩惱我倒是真心幫他們排憂解難噠~！一碼歸一碼。這個我得澄清一下。雖然後來可能會覺得自己為什麼要幫自己不太喜歡的人。但如果他們再找我我還是會幫的哈哈哈哈

>:D

你真的很犯賤欸但是我喜歡

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

下次再耍我。。。！！！！！！*捶blahaj* *小貓出拳x100* *打一下利歐路*

》：OO

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！有妻之人！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！哼！老人！！！！！！！！

嘿嘿嘿嘿

還沒背完我的osca稿子，有排，後天就考了！！明早起來密集式訓練~！！！！

aaaaaaaaaaaaa 晚安 Arf arf 和 woof woof :DDDD汪汪

我漸漸由cat person轉化成dog person

但明明一開始其實我是 parrot person 我靠

還有看到你把你的following 重整了一次哈哈哈哈哈哈

黑蜥蜴！！！！我不知道你也喜歡這種。我還以為你只喜歡毛絨絨的狗狗。

研究了好~久~一些賬號但還沒搞清楚呢~（研究完再分享）

：DDDDD

笑死會不會是因為上一輪我說完我stalk C老師的ig於是你回去重整你那個了哈哈哈

你原本那個也沒啥問題啊，因為我把所有的都看過了

哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈！

感覺我把我的記憶用在學習會更好。哈哈哈哈

但這個有趣多了，所以很好記

hiehiehiehiehehieh

一隻腳開始踏進這個。。？？

所以以前我一直說我喜歡但沒有心動嘛！

感覺我再問多一點你的生平事跡我就會開始沉了我靠，，，，，bruh

現在我還是很理智的！我覺得！

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

如果坐的話，我就可以一直看你的樣子。

如果躺的話，但我轉身，我就可以近很多！但大部分時間都不能看你的樣子。

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊兩難！！！

放心我不會碰你的！因為碰完就gg good bye我轉去其他人那裡了。

雖然有一次離開踏出門的時候上臂不小心碰到你用來開門的的手欸哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈

而且上個月看不到ruth那次的event，vinci拍了我兩邊肩膀兩下欸！！！開心了一整個月。非常sad 的時候回想那一幕就不會那麼sad 了。有點想哭嗚嗚哈哈哈哈哈。。。拍了拍我的肩膀。。。嗚嗚嗚嗚我靠哭了

好開心，，，嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚啊嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚

希望這樣我不會被踢走。。。vinci不會被罰吧。。。對不起，這件事我憋了整整一個月沒有說因為很怕這樣她會被罰，但我好開心。。。。嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚

我靠哭得停不下來我明早還要去上學再見

如果真的連累了她我真的很內疚，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，

random stuff

remembered this scene from a month ago when charlotte brought up the topic of chiikawa and momonga (飛鼠 aka my fav character in chiikawa)

she said, i was looking up what is momonga's personality. (cuz I told her I liked it a while ago). I think she is trying to know more about me & my preferences)

I replied, very attention seeking, right??

she exclaimed, YES holy shit I hate it so much?? (asking why I like momonga)

I said, yeeees ik it's so annoying lmAO but it's actually quite 可憐 because actually another character replaced the real momonga, and they lack love so they kept finding other characters for attention, so basically the attention seeking one is fake momonga; and then the real momonga is actually in the wild and actually if it eat another character, it can magically return to the real "skin" and kick away the fake momonga, but it is too nice to eat so now the anime is stuck here and it is crying in the woods alone, didnt read manga so idk what will it do soon

she: too complicated I dont understand

me: tldr the current annoying momonga is not real, the real one is nicer lol, but anime not yet show the plot

anyways i felt a bit touched because she is trying to know and understand what i like haha

---

also i dont really ask people for apologies because if they dont feel like apologising then there is no point to ask them to apologise because they dont mean to apologise

hahahaahahah

a bit disappointed about the last point though because i was waiting

because you kind of encouraged and accelerated my mindset of turning suicidal instead of simply not living

:p

but i guess you forgot what you said anyways

although you can reread one of the diary entry from long time ago when I was pretty angry

i dont want apology for other stuff, just this one :((

but if you dont want to it is fine 

---

maybe ill share what i like about each of my dolls/ characters one day hahahaha

show and tell

each session bring a different one

---

blahaj texture is very nice i like it hahahahaha

---

riolu is washed and dried and I got it back just now (noon?), turned out my dad tried to knock at my door yesterday night but I didn't reply, he asked me if I was wearing headphones around midnight, I said yeah, he said he knocked a couple of times to tell me my "patient" has arrived (aka riolu), bur I didn't answer, so he just let it be

regarding why I was a bit paranoid my dad knows what I am doing to riolu:

before the convo of my dad 語重心長地 tell me my riolu is very dirty, I was telling him I still have a few more clinical exams need to be practiced, but I can't do it at home. He asked what is it and he can help if he can. And I listed, Male genitalia examination! Per rectal examination! Female genitalia examination!

Hes like ohh these nooo *chuckles*

And then! He said you can do it on your doll *points at riolu which I put nearby to observe me practicing*

Me: lmaoo (actually kinda starting to get a bit 心虛lmaoo) how though? (i was genuinely thinking there is no bottom hole in the doll so I technically cant use, but I cant say that ah ma, and i reasoned with myself I can just role play and pretend there is a hole i guess <-- i didnt actually spoke any of these bracketed words)

and then that convo started

and then we dead air

and then we ended the dead air by him taking my riolu to the washing machine

so im pretytiuytiyy suruureeee heee kind of knows 

bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im embarrassed

---

black rain and they rescheduled our group practice from today (sat) to monday lmao, 8:30! then i need to wake up early like back in secondary school which starts at 800

oooo i kinda miss zoom lessons in covid era, I can just wake up at 759 and log in and then remain in bed or play ipad

LMAO i remembered this very scary zoom lesson, it was a whole form ethics talk thing, so there were like 200ish classmates and many teachers. I forsee it would be boring asf and they wont que us answer questions. So I was playing genshin impact on my laptop (I dont have an external monitor that time) (instead of looking down and using my ipad to play, which i usually did), and because I look very concentrated compared to the rest of the people (all people open cam), this one teacher which I liked her lessons a lot (and did very well in) (and answer questions frequently - I had to clarify, it's because no one else answers and people push me to answer on behalf of the group, plus I get stickers if I answer) (sorry lol it's liberal studies), she qued me to answer !!! holy shit but I wasn't listening AT ALL. I think the question goes like "after this brief introduction, can you share your opinions on [psychology?? ethics??] ? Let's ask... Emily Cheung!"

I was like holy shit wtf

first i pause my genshin, exit full screen, i swap back to my zoom page, and then I open mic

while I was not reaaally sure what her question is, like I heard it but I am not sure, plus I have no idea what they talked about in the introduction. all i know is this zoom is about psychology but the guest/ teachers are not talking about that at all and it was super boring

and I would not ask for a repeat of the question or else they know I was not listening, and even if they repeat, I dont know the content of the "brief introduction"

so i decided to take a gamble and answer some deep shit like ambiguous answers. something like "in my opinion different people have different answers to these, their interpretation are different based on what they have experienced, so there is no absolute answer."

And then they are like VERY GOOD!! *proceeds to elab on my insightful point* now lets invite someone else to answer: etc. etc." (im like rip i think the next person would be even more lost on the context) (luckily the next person knows what theyre talking about)

and then "lastly lets invite someone to summarise their answers for us!" (im like omggggg thats absolutely horrifying if they didnt pay attention) (but at this point i was back to my genshin already, i think that person stuttered, and there was some hiccups before she answered, so sad for her)💀💀💀💀

LMAO ok idk why I was sharing about this random story, but here you go

also Idk why I kept dreaming about secondary school people and cakes????????? esp birthday cakes?????

i mean I had a cake at ivan-970-3day-3day girlfriend gang

and I had another cake I shared with other bday stars in new pbl

so I had two already

and then I had hotpot with secondary school squad (I think I should name my squad so it is easier to remember, our official name is "6 grass") (lmao)

and my mum gave me apple watch for birthday

though bday day I ate alone, if I remember correctly? I forgot what I ate, but I remembered a rather intense loneliness that night but I wasn't going home so I dine out alone

idk why?? but I have a lot of celebrations already?? but it kept appearing in my dreams??? like three times??

(though i was thinking i want to buy a cake to celebrate and eat if I pass my exams lol, and i was scrolling ig for pretty tiny cakes) (maybe that's why im having the dreams idk haha) (but the dream ones are specifically birthday cakes with burning candles, and in the dream I perceive clearly that these are for birthdays. not simply ordinary cakes)

---

mum saw my heels are injured

actually was last friday (not yesterday) when i was wearing the punk shoes and it was quite painful to walk so I had to walk slowly to and from therapy lol

---

also another dream

hahahah too bad you have too many dreams to read in addition to my diary, idk if you regret asking me to make dream diary lmfao

well for me it is pretty fun because i wanted to make one since i was small but I didn't do so because I don't have enough motivation despite the dreams being way more entertaining than current ones

because there's no audience and im scared to post in my private. like i had this dream of "hkumed office being a suicidal Dumbo flying elephant theme park machine, killing every person who rode on the machine" during post DSE summer waiting for admission? and generally these dreams are frowned upon so I was kind of reluctant to share with them

I can paste some of my past dreams which I wrote before back into the dream log soon, feel free to read or not if it is not relevant. I wanna make my dream log more "complete" anyways

--

also i got a user "hi"ing me on the L (the lesbian app) holy shit im scared im gonna ghost them

bro my pfp is literally just a doll momonga i didnt show my face

they didn't either so i will ignore them

👀👀👀

 hmm wrote an entry at 29 apr but didn't update to the drive. and I thought I don't need to update the diary doc that often, it's more about me writing out my thoughts but less about letting you see my entry now

but gonna post because i think it would be beneficial to share my thoughts

--

slight april recap:

as I was saving money for residential hall, I was pretty determined to cut my expenses. so I had dinner at home for the majority of the days in order to save dinner expenses. I also refrained from online shopping. So this month expenses was a stunning 90% less than the previous month (march). Holy shit. For reference March I spent $15xxx (because the phone costed like 6500 ish) (but still outbudget); All previous months since like dec or something I spent like over 10000 like wtf. FYI my monthly allowance was 5000 so basically I was spending my savings lol. April was $1500. I wonder how many months I need to "recover" my balance.

If I give myself more leeway and set the budget at 3000, I will save 2000 per month. (but summer days I can save more because I can spend less on commuting) (travelling to sassoon rd is expensive as fuck, almost $30 daily if i cannot catch the shuttle) (food is expensive too) (sad) Then I need like years to recover... :((((((

But! 970 boy invited me to partner up tgt to be joma jobas for med summer programs. $650 daily. I think it runs for like around 4 days?

And I am aiming to pass 米畫師 (difficult as hell) or some similar apps (prob easier but i will figure out my options after exams) so I can take art comms as a side gig

Also my AI, another person subscribed so now in total I will have 40usd monthly as long as they keep subscribing (but seems they need two months to pay out this income, so yeah) (and I also subbed for one month so that i can get gpt-4 and make use of the way better image analysis function for prepping exam; last year the free version saved my butt, now that gpt-4 is damn smart i wanna try for a month)

also discovered my AI was like in the leaderboard holy shet lmoaoaooao, top 8 learning bot, top 10 featured bot or something

I discovered different ways to monetize AI shit too, but probably wont do it to my "professional" "med student" account. Which is to create a ton of AI anime guys and girlfriends and then people would chat and fall in love with them. I think other than productivity/ work, people are most willing to spend on romance stuff, so it would be a really effective way to earn side money. And I checked out some bot creator accs, and apparently some already were implementing this idea and they created like 200 bots LMAO and they're successful. Their follower count is even higher than poe's official account itself, kinda funny.

--- ok anyways pretty proud I am starting to get my finance together

also randomly one day I was kinda impulsive and wanted to earn more money, so I randomly bought a bond ???? (because I am scared of the stock market, my mum kinda urged me to buy this one stock like two years ago when I started my bank acc and till now it is still -33%, I was so upset, im losing like 10000 aklsdjlasjd because I didn't have much money to begin with, and i cant take out the money either because that means I have accepted my fate and it becomes a real loss) lmfao???? it would mature in 3 months. I actually dont really know how it works. I googled. Probably similar to debentures, which I learnt back in DSE accounting. Idk. As long as it is not debt it is fine

---

ok chatting done

I was a bit bored and wanted to make you angry lol

so I am just gonna list out all the reasons I can think of to anger you (?????)
>:D (omg im gonna be a bit scared on friday lmfao)

>:D i still havent slept its 6:30am I think I fucked up my sleep schedule again because I slept too much previously

hmm, why I cant recall the list

ok here it goes

- bro your "i dont need therapy" sign at the door makes me feel unwelcomed lol, as if youre telling me Im unwelcomed hahahahaahh

- it also makes me feel if youre too proud of yourself lol

- or maybe youre denying you need therapy, lol just saying

- which is kinda why I talked back your therapy is your dog

- (im not in a place to judge u tho so yeahhhhhhhhh; and i also dont have a say in how you decorate your own room so yeahhhhh)

- tbh still a bit upset you said im quite sensitive, I know sensitive is supposed to be a neutral term but I perceive being sensitive is bad so thats my fault

-  I am still not sure the difference of being confident and being overconfident

- but then youre kinda nice too

- it feels like im criticizing you persistently out of the blue, while you're probably innocently waking up and opening this doc and bam a whole list of criticism wtf lol

- i wonder why psychologists become psychologists, it's probably one of the four reasons: 1. they have experienced bad stuff and they want to treat themselves and others 2. they want to feel the power of manipulating people 3. it's a family career thing 4. they're just generally nice and wants to help others (but that feels more like social work, but again i shouldnt stereotype people)

- i still think youre overly confident lol

- and still a bit unhappy about older stuff about not wanting to live doesn't mean I want to die but I shouldn't dwell on that

ok askljdlkadjf;lsdjkf

let's move on to another topic

aaaaaaaaaa

ok i was stalking yall ig and linkedin

and ruth kinda has grey hair in a linkedin post (youre in that post too, haha funny) (i like her outfit)

i thought she was younger than you

probably not ???????!

so sad, I wasnt sure if I was seeing her hair right so I shared my findings with ivan

ivan just replied, grey hair!

wuwuwu idk if it was lighting reason or maybe she forgot to dye her hair

anyways a bit old, my 幻想破滅

the 大姐姐形象 became old woman

so sad i am less into woof now (lmao???)

i was talking about how yall are old (although youre just 37 💀💀💀💀💀💀im so sorry

ivan long time ago told me that you have grey hair lol but I cant see

sorry our convos are just super dumb

and then i was talking about your receding hair line

hhahshdh so sorry hahahahahaah

i remember one time walking from waiting room to the lift i was walking behind you (idk why, usually youll force me to walk in front), anyways that day i think the hair at the back of your head seems to be very comfy to touch

not gonna touch though or else it will startle you and youll probably press an emergency button or what, and then i would get transferred to another counsellor because I touched you, so tragic

if it was ivan i wouldve touched it lol

i rmb one time you were wearing this japanese very cozy style dark blue coat thingy with a special slightly knitted but tiny grids interesting texture one time in Jan or Feb??? hahahahahahahah I like it very much but you havent wore it since !!!!!!!! :(

thats better than the riolu coloured shirt despite i kept drawing you wearing sth similar (it was simply easier to draw) (actually the shirt is fine, i just got scared for no reason)

buuuuut just wear what you wanna wear lol haha

hmmmmmmhmhmhmhmhmhm

sheeeeet youre gonna be pretty angry im criticizing you out of the blue but you're not showing youre angry so it makes me scared, but if you show youre angry I am even more scared lmfao so I couldn't show my criticism or else either way I would be scared, there is no solution to this, so I avoid criticizing people especially when it is partly my problem lol

ANyways next time let's continue on the dream lol,,, iiiiiiiiiii

many dreams, cannot catch up if we don't discuss them

oh and i don't really need an apology i think, because they are all kinda twisted thoughts from me, I just want to get these off my chest or else probably I would have all these thoughts balloon up and then suddenly one day I will be fed up and I will disappear and that's even more unhealthy lol

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaa

bro i can foresee I am not going to bring it up on fri again bruh

and then youre gonna comment stuff here like "Id appreciate if you mention this in person" lol

well i kinda tried last time about the puberty issue

fuck! why am i always scared lol !!!

omg it's now 7:20am i should go sleep now, my wake up alarm rang,,, ironic

i hope you dont hit me !!

again, i hope im not too famous in wellness team (but I kinda want to??)!! i am shy !! * inserts screaming dramatic kitten meme * 

---

random additional note (originally planned to type this in the diary entry but somehow forgot):

ok so my mum used to cook really nice food esp back when i was in primary

but now i think she got lazy and she can cook one dish and we will eat the same dish for ... 3 days????? (e.g. a bowl of pork and then for the next few dinner I will have this same dish) (sometimes I worry about the 汁 because it looks different)

They ordered more takeaways now

anyways the point is yesterday they got noodles takeaway to eat at home

as always they ate first (because i was procrastinating in my room + i wasnt hungry yet)

when i came out i have noodles and an additional small bowl of chicken nuggets

I was kind of confused because I didn't recall them going to mcdonalds

but it was mcdonald's ones for sure because the "L O V E" nugget shapes are unmistakable

so I asked when did she buy it

she said it was that day when they had a big discount

dad chimed in, that's three weeks ago..????

I replied,, it was chinese new year....

it was chinese new year $10/ 9 chicken nuggets

I thought I already finished the last box in March...

Now it is May

...

Mum said she put it in the fridge so it is fine

...

bro this household hygiene conditions is shit

they still havent cleaned their fucking mold

i got these questionable food, (didn't taste bad but definitely not fresh) (but I don't really know what does food gone bad taste like,,, most food tastes either "pretty good" or "normal", I'll just eat them if they aren't obviously bad or revolting)

stuff piling up everywhere (although i also pile my stuff too...)

but their room just smells weird idk why, i told them their room smells bad. They look confused and said no. Maybe they are used to the abnormal kinda sour scent

wtffffffffffffffffffffff

now I get slightly better sleep although the room is not soundproof esp to the toilet at all

door lock is nothing when they have the key to my room

also mum dont like to change the bedding and pillow cases, dad was urging her to change every few weeks but mum said theres no need and she'll change every several months

I find it not fine, but I am lazy to take up housework so I didn't complain...

i was watching my friend's vlog of her cooking in village 3 dorm kitchen with her roommate, I felt bad because I felt useless when people around are all prepping decent complete meals (like prepping meat, cooking meat, veggies) meanwhile I just learnt how to fry an egg

I don't even know how to cook noodles

also my mum was just talking about how med students were taking up part time jobs during summer, and after talking much about that she started to urge me to take similar jobs too

and i dislike it. i kind of want to do nothing for summer out of spite, but I know i need to save money for dorms in case they dont fund me so I am going to find opportunities to earn money, and also if i dont earn money I feel useless. But if i really did find a job it would seem like I am giving in to her advice and I don't want to appear as obeying her, cuz that would give her confidence in giving even more orders and more demanding orders and make her feel super proud of her ability to control others in general

also few days ago I was practising osca with my groupmates and there was a gait heel-to-shin test and initially I couldnt do it, but later I can, slowly. They were shocked and kinda worried at first lol... but I thought everyone's like that (but it's not! They can do it! WTF) proprioception issue

but seems like usually people who couldnt do the test have brain lesion or spinal cord lesion and so it couldnt be me.. I briefly searched and all papers are really about those serious problem

and i was doing the romberg test to dad yesterday, and he couldnt do it too

asjdhajksdfhsdhf gonna retest him tonight just to reconfirm he can actually do it, asdjkshddasfl

shiiittt i hope it is just skill issue / gets better with practice, not an actual medical issue,,,,, although seems like people naturally can do it?? holy shit

also kind of miss streaming and playing games but im gonna wait for finals to end, and also i am not comfortable to talk inside my room, knowing that they can eavesdrop from the outside easily. I speak in english but stilll I dont like it

also i kind of feel bad when i was rereading your comments and youre pretty nice lol idk why I thought youre bad lol haahahahahahahahaaaaaa

oh another thing my mum was watching those videos again and (i think the big data started to recommend her more topics about mental issues of children), and she was exclaiming to me how autistic children are serial killers and they are dangerous af

i ignored her

and also side note she really likes to watch videos of disasters, esp those with super suspense music and CCTV of accidents and she will loop and rewatch them over and over, my dad doesn't like it, me neither, but she likes playing those bgm so loudly and it was a long standing issue since when i was in high school. she used to urge us to watch these videos too but we refused

idk why she is so obsessed with disturbing stuff like these. But she doesn't like horror movies

also yesterday/ two days ago? i forgot, but i was kinda unhappy and i was crying that afternoon, i forgot why though! idek if theres even a reason hmmm

i just remembered recalling charlotte promising me i can go to her hall this summer after finals and she'll look after me while I drink 9%. And we planned to go travelling to Japan together next year's reading week. Somehow I was crying because people are making promises with me to hang in there haha

usually when i get sad i will start remembering you guys and I feel bad if I just left because that means youve wasted your time spent on me and reading all these diary and all the sessions lol

dreamt i saw riolu but with doll tags on both of his legs instead of one only, but i dont know the whole dream so im not writing it in the dream log. or should I? But it would take up space in the frontpage