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 hmm wrote an entry at 29 apr but didn't update to the drive. and I thought I don't need to update the diary doc that often, it's more about me writing out my thoughts but less about letting you see my entry now

but gonna post because i think it would be beneficial to share my thoughts

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slight april recap:

as I was saving money for residential hall, I was pretty determined to cut my expenses. so I had dinner at home for the majority of the days in order to save dinner expenses. I also refrained from online shopping. So this month expenses was a stunning 90% less than the previous month (march). Holy shit. For reference March I spent $15xxx (because the phone costed like 6500 ish) (but still outbudget); All previous months since like dec or something I spent like over 10000 like wtf. FYI my monthly allowance was 5000 so basically I was spending my savings lol. April was $1500. I wonder how many months I need to "recover" my balance.

If I give myself more leeway and set the budget at 3000, I will save 2000 per month. (but summer days I can save more because I can spend less on commuting) (travelling to sassoon rd is expensive as fuck, almost $30 daily if i cannot catch the shuttle) (food is expensive too) (sad) Then I need like years to recover... :((((((

But! 970 boy invited me to partner up tgt to be joma jobas for med summer programs. $650 daily. I think it runs for like around 4 days?

And I am aiming to pass 米畫師 (difficult as hell) or some similar apps (prob easier but i will figure out my options after exams) so I can take art comms as a side gig

Also my AI, another person subscribed so now in total I will have 40usd monthly as long as they keep subscribing (but seems they need two months to pay out this income, so yeah) (and I also subbed for one month so that i can get gpt-4 and make use of the way better image analysis function for prepping exam; last year the free version saved my butt, now that gpt-4 is damn smart i wanna try for a month)

also discovered my AI was like in the leaderboard holy shet lmoaoaooao, top 8 learning bot, top 10 featured bot or something

I discovered different ways to monetize AI shit too, but probably wont do it to my "professional" "med student" account. Which is to create a ton of AI anime guys and girlfriends and then people would chat and fall in love with them. I think other than productivity/ work, people are most willing to spend on romance stuff, so it would be a really effective way to earn side money. And I checked out some bot creator accs, and apparently some already were implementing this idea and they created like 200 bots LMAO and they're successful. Their follower count is even higher than poe's official account itself, kinda funny.

--- ok anyways pretty proud I am starting to get my finance together

also randomly one day I was kinda impulsive and wanted to earn more money, so I randomly bought a bond ???? (because I am scared of the stock market, my mum kinda urged me to buy this one stock like two years ago when I started my bank acc and till now it is still -33%, I was so upset, im losing like 10000 aklsdjlasjd because I didn't have much money to begin with, and i cant take out the money either because that means I have accepted my fate and it becomes a real loss) lmfao???? it would mature in 3 months. I actually dont really know how it works. I googled. Probably similar to debentures, which I learnt back in DSE accounting. Idk. As long as it is not debt it is fine

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ok chatting done

I was a bit bored and wanted to make you angry lol

so I am just gonna list out all the reasons I can think of to anger you (?????)
>:D (omg im gonna be a bit scared on friday lmfao)

>:D i still havent slept its 6:30am I think I fucked up my sleep schedule again because I slept too much previously

hmm, why I cant recall the list

ok here it goes

- bro your "i dont need therapy" sign at the door makes me feel unwelcomed lol, as if youre telling me Im unwelcomed hahahahaahh

- it also makes me feel if youre too proud of yourself lol

- or maybe youre denying you need therapy, lol just saying

- which is kinda why I talked back your therapy is your dog

- (im not in a place to judge u tho so yeahhhhhhhhh; and i also dont have a say in how you decorate your own room so yeahhhhh)

- tbh still a bit upset you said im quite sensitive, I know sensitive is supposed to be a neutral term but I perceive being sensitive is bad so thats my fault

-  I am still not sure the difference of being confident and being overconfident

- but then youre kinda nice too

- it feels like im criticizing you persistently out of the blue, while you're probably innocently waking up and opening this doc and bam a whole list of criticism wtf lol

- i wonder why psychologists become psychologists, it's probably one of the four reasons: 1. they have experienced bad stuff and they want to treat themselves and others 2. they want to feel the power of manipulating people 3. it's a family career thing 4. they're just generally nice and wants to help others (but that feels more like social work, but again i shouldnt stereotype people)

- i still think youre overly confident lol

- and still a bit unhappy about older stuff about not wanting to live doesn't mean I want to die but I shouldn't dwell on that

ok askljdlkadjf;lsdjkf

let's move on to another topic

aaaaaaaaaa

ok i was stalking yall ig and linkedin

and ruth kinda has grey hair in a linkedin post (youre in that post too, haha funny) (i like her outfit)

i thought she was younger than you

probably not ???????!

so sad, I wasnt sure if I was seeing her hair right so I shared my findings with ivan

ivan just replied, grey hair!

wuwuwu idk if it was lighting reason or maybe she forgot to dye her hair

anyways a bit old, my 幻想破滅

the 大姐姐形象 became old woman

so sad i am less into woof now (lmao???)

i was talking about how yall are old (although youre just 37 💀💀💀💀💀💀im so sorry

ivan long time ago told me that you have grey hair lol but I cant see

sorry our convos are just super dumb

and then i was talking about your receding hair line

hhahshdh so sorry hahahahahaah

i remember one time walking from waiting room to the lift i was walking behind you (idk why, usually youll force me to walk in front), anyways that day i think the hair at the back of your head seems to be very comfy to touch

not gonna touch though or else it will startle you and youll probably press an emergency button or what, and then i would get transferred to another counsellor because I touched you, so tragic

if it was ivan i wouldve touched it lol

i rmb one time you were wearing this japanese very cozy style dark blue coat thingy with a special slightly knitted but tiny grids interesting texture one time in Jan or Feb??? hahahahahahahah I like it very much but you havent wore it since !!!!!!!! :(

thats better than the riolu coloured shirt despite i kept drawing you wearing sth similar (it was simply easier to draw) (actually the shirt is fine, i just got scared for no reason)

buuuuut just wear what you wanna wear lol haha

hmmmmmmhmhmhmhmhmhm

sheeeeet youre gonna be pretty angry im criticizing you out of the blue but you're not showing youre angry so it makes me scared, but if you show youre angry I am even more scared lmfao so I couldn't show my criticism or else either way I would be scared, there is no solution to this, so I avoid criticizing people especially when it is partly my problem lol

ANyways next time let's continue on the dream lol,,, iiiiiiiiiii

many dreams, cannot catch up if we don't discuss them

oh and i don't really need an apology i think, because they are all kinda twisted thoughts from me, I just want to get these off my chest or else probably I would have all these thoughts balloon up and then suddenly one day I will be fed up and I will disappear and that's even more unhealthy lol

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaa

bro i can foresee I am not going to bring it up on fri again bruh

and then youre gonna comment stuff here like "Id appreciate if you mention this in person" lol

well i kinda tried last time about the puberty issue

fuck! why am i always scared lol !!!

omg it's now 7:20am i should go sleep now, my wake up alarm rang,,, ironic

i hope you dont hit me !!

again, i hope im not too famous in wellness team (but I kinda want to??)!! i am shy !! * inserts screaming dramatic kitten meme * 

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random additional note (originally planned to type this in the diary entry but somehow forgot):

ok so my mum used to cook really nice food esp back when i was in primary

but now i think she got lazy and she can cook one dish and we will eat the same dish for ... 3 days????? (e.g. a bowl of pork and then for the next few dinner I will have this same dish) (sometimes I worry about the 汁 because it looks different)

They ordered more takeaways now

anyways the point is yesterday they got noodles takeaway to eat at home

as always they ate first (because i was procrastinating in my room + i wasnt hungry yet)

when i came out i have noodles and an additional small bowl of chicken nuggets

I was kind of confused because I didn't recall them going to mcdonalds

but it was mcdonald's ones for sure because the "L O V E" nugget shapes are unmistakable

so I asked when did she buy it

she said it was that day when they had a big discount

dad chimed in, that's three weeks ago..????

I replied,, it was chinese new year....

it was chinese new year $10/ 9 chicken nuggets

I thought I already finished the last box in March...

Now it is May

...

Mum said she put it in the fridge so it is fine

...

bro this household hygiene conditions is shit

they still havent cleaned their fucking mold

i got these questionable food, (didn't taste bad but definitely not fresh) (but I don't really know what does food gone bad taste like,,, most food tastes either "pretty good" or "normal", I'll just eat them if they aren't obviously bad or revolting)

stuff piling up everywhere (although i also pile my stuff too...)

but their room just smells weird idk why, i told them their room smells bad. They look confused and said no. Maybe they are used to the abnormal kinda sour scent

wtffffffffffffffffffffff

now I get slightly better sleep although the room is not soundproof esp to the toilet at all

door lock is nothing when they have the key to my room

also mum dont like to change the bedding and pillow cases, dad was urging her to change every few weeks but mum said theres no need and she'll change every several months

I find it not fine, but I am lazy to take up housework so I didn't complain...

i was watching my friend's vlog of her cooking in village 3 dorm kitchen with her roommate, I felt bad because I felt useless when people around are all prepping decent complete meals (like prepping meat, cooking meat, veggies) meanwhile I just learnt how to fry an egg

I don't even know how to cook noodles

also my mum was just talking about how med students were taking up part time jobs during summer, and after talking much about that she started to urge me to take similar jobs too

and i dislike it. i kind of want to do nothing for summer out of spite, but I know i need to save money for dorms in case they dont fund me so I am going to find opportunities to earn money, and also if i dont earn money I feel useless. But if i really did find a job it would seem like I am giving in to her advice and I don't want to appear as obeying her, cuz that would give her confidence in giving even more orders and more demanding orders and make her feel super proud of her ability to control others in general

also few days ago I was practising osca with my groupmates and there was a gait heel-to-shin test and initially I couldnt do it, but later I can, slowly. They were shocked and kinda worried at first lol... but I thought everyone's like that (but it's not! They can do it! WTF) proprioception issue

but seems like usually people who couldnt do the test have brain lesion or spinal cord lesion and so it couldnt be me.. I briefly searched and all papers are really about those serious problem

and i was doing the romberg test to dad yesterday, and he couldnt do it too

asjdhajksdfhsdhf gonna retest him tonight just to reconfirm he can actually do it, asdjkshddasfl

shiiittt i hope it is just skill issue / gets better with practice, not an actual medical issue,,,,, although seems like people naturally can do it?? holy shit

also kind of miss streaming and playing games but im gonna wait for finals to end, and also i am not comfortable to talk inside my room, knowing that they can eavesdrop from the outside easily. I speak in english but stilll I dont like it

also i kind of feel bad when i was rereading your comments and youre pretty nice lol idk why I thought youre bad lol haahahahahahahahaaaaaa

oh another thing my mum was watching those videos again and (i think the big data started to recommend her more topics about mental issues of children), and she was exclaiming to me how autistic children are serial killers and they are dangerous af

i ignored her

and also side note she really likes to watch videos of disasters, esp those with super suspense music and CCTV of accidents and she will loop and rewatch them over and over, my dad doesn't like it, me neither, but she likes playing those bgm so loudly and it was a long standing issue since when i was in high school. she used to urge us to watch these videos too but we refused

idk why she is so obsessed with disturbing stuff like these. But she doesn't like horror movies

also yesterday/ two days ago? i forgot, but i was kinda unhappy and i was crying that afternoon, i forgot why though! idek if theres even a reason hmmm

i just remembered recalling charlotte promising me i can go to her hall this summer after finals and she'll look after me while I drink 9%. And we planned to go travelling to Japan together next year's reading week. Somehow I was crying because people are making promises with me to hang in there haha

usually when i get sad i will start remembering you guys and I feel bad if I just left because that means youve wasted your time spent on me and reading all these diary and all the sessions lol

dreamt i saw riolu but with doll tags on both of his legs instead of one only, but i dont know the whole dream so im not writing it in the dream log. or should I? But it would take up space in the frontpage