random

 i miss typing here when i am already writing a physical diary for arthur

i could type so much here but i had to limit my words and writing physically

and after writing the physical one meticulously, I've already mentioned the most important things so there is no point in typing here, or recording additional or repetitive stuff in my other personal journals

so far my 2025 journal is empty since november when i was fully invested in the mini diary for Arthur

I am still thinking how Arthur sounded like if he kinda want to cry/ had a lump in his throat last session.

I gifted him a little sticker I got from HKICS (the art fair) which says "禁止對其他小狗好". He asked me to elaborate before he would accept the gift. So I told him his clients, or me, are like pet dogs to him, he was like ??, and I elaborated I just felt happy and blessed if he or anyone spend time with me, interacting with me, and not judging me. And the judging part is quite tricky because it is not simply malice, some people can have good intentions and they didn't want to hurt me by mentioning things that may affect my feelings, but I don't want them to see me as a fragile object, and dodge topics that they were planning to discuss or gossip in the group. But at the same time I do get easily triggered and I would get uncomfortable, but I would hate to see them not being able to "become themselves" in our relationship. It's complicated. That was the "dog" part in the sticker. And then I was kinda jealous of him seeing other clients too hence the "forbid" part.

He abided to his words and took the sticker hehe.

Also today I went cycling and barbecuing with the grassy squad and I lowkey got overstimulated and super anxious because we had to cross so many roads in the cycling path (a car pressed its horn to me because I just drove across the road super quick ik I was being quite dangerous but I didn't see the crossing till it was too late and I was going quite fast and if I press the brake I think I would flip uh I am so guilty) and they got those pillars occasionally in the middle and made the road narrower, and if I look at it I felt like I would crash onto them so I was so tensed. And I was scared of fire and flames because their shape was so unpredictable (actually our flame was tame and small) so barbecuing was a bit scary. I was so tired.

we rode 9.08km unfortunately today my apple watch failed to charge !!!!!!! so I couldn't record my precious exercise moment in the fitness app bruh

malleable relationships

Perhaps relationships are malleable rather than brittle

I was stressing too much on fortifying relationships to prevent it from shattering and I didn’t really “understand” when people say relationships are meant to be a push and pull thing

Because I got the properties wrong at first

feelings and taste

 random musings

came across a comment on reddit about how "feelings are never negative- just unpleasant".

remembered the instructor from a mindfulness program I joined has also mentioned that we comment on the feelings by "I like/ dislike this feeling".

I'm thinking maybe it is easier to imagine feelings as different types of tastes. You can like or dislike spiciness, but you won't say "spicy is bad!" You can dislike sweet food but you won't conclude it as sweet = bad stuff, shouldn't touch.

maybe just try and remain open to what you would taste, and just like tastes, feelings are transient and they will pass eventually.

also went to took a peek at this year's candy cane cheer today and had a fun chat with arthur where he denied he lied about throwing away his mouldy wooden sign. He said I heard it wrong, just like the many times I tried to accuse him of random shit he didn't do and eventually made myself upset and mad lmfao. Idk man. Anyways I asked how about the mouldy blahaj why did he throw that away but not the sign, he said one is fabric one is wood and he tried to remove the mould but can't, and also told me to pay attention to my over-generalisation. Anyways it was pretty funny and he seemed less "inhibited" than during sessions hahahaha