random text

 i miss writing here

but I didn't have much to write

because the thoughts I have been having are repetitive and I think I have covered most of them in my blogs before already

I am just living in the past honestly

crying kinda hard every night until I fall asleep

and wake up to a brand new day by the radiant sunshine

life just goes on and my day is "refreshed" like a game

so why bother living another day? when all my emotions doesn't matter at the end of the day?

there is no difference living an extra day because nothing really changes and I am just back to my old self

I am waking up just to sleep again, where I would not be harassed (such an improvement) or disturbed, and not having suicidal thoughts and thus no chance of hurting myself in any way.

Nothing changes

should I actually go and see a doctor? But eating medicine makes me feel like I am useless in controlling my own emotion. But honestly perhaps I could've done so two years ago, I needed it far more back then. Now it's probably too late and unnecessary as my sadness isn't too painful I think. And I don't want to surrender my driver's license haha.

idk man

also there was this groupmate with social anxiety and one time she asked if I am also feeling the same (unprepared) for bedsides and I said yeah

what I didn't tell her is that she is much more braver than me though because she volunteered to do the examinations while I am just trying to hide myself

I can see a bright future ahead for all my groupmates although they might seem they are less academically competent than many that I know of. Although they might not know a lot of the things but they kept trying and trying.

Meanwhile I am still dwelling in the past.

diao!

 uploading my old diaries for backup and what the fuck HO KAM AH DIU😭😭😭我不行了

dream log

 my dream log website is DOWN !!! Can't believe. Perhaps I should backup my dreams here on my own website too. This is so stupid

Also I should import my old diary entries here- but it would probably take a lot of time and effort

---

so many dreams today again but not really "interesting"

one of them I was a 男娘 wearing oversized coat and very short pants, me and my 女僕frd (real female) are going on a trip to an european country, probably france/ italy, and we just got pass the border control entering the country. And the surroundings are different tax free shops and a lot of other travellers. And some male travellers catcalled me and I felt happy (even a bit thrilled) to be noticed albeit lowkey feeling slightly gross in hindsight. After getting my attention off this "event" I looked around for my female friend but couldn't see her. I walked out of the tax free corridor and entered the grand lobby to phone her, but she said she was already on the next country. I was a bit shocked. (however this dream felt recurrent to me because the lobby was familiar and her reply was the same for one of my dreams before)

the other dream I was queuing up for book fair/ random HK exhibition with my parents. And I saw a AC remote on the table next to me. As I was bored and I felt a tad bit too hot (26C), I wanted to change it to 25C. But I press the remote and the numbers fluctuate so much again (even worse than the one 2 weeks before), this time it can shoot up to like 100C and down to -300C or some shit. And I was annoyed so after trying to press many times I simply hold the button and see what number it jumps to and if I find it reasonable I lift my finger, but the way it jumped was completely random. And when it jumped to very low temperatures I could feel the frosty air blowing onto me and I was very scared, and it also does that for high temperatures. I was a bit freaked out by it so I cried in dream and yell for my dad to come help me (because they moved along with the queue but I was too attentive to the air con so I stopped in my steps)

(this is again aircon, what happened- what if it is a sign for me to not skip finishing the dream from before, maybe i shouldn't have started talking/ analysing the intensive dream last time- but I liked it)

---

looking back at my old diary I decided to redo the DES-II test from 2023/11/11

G im now 20.71 which is way lower than the previous 37.86 - I take that as an... improvement?

and it is ironic because back then I haven't recalled the incident which led to my PTSD- but I already had the symptoms for it and the test was yelling at me lmfao

fuuucccccckkkk do I actually have bpd whahsdfjkshdgkljsd waaaaaaaaaa

aftercare

 ok today i am still 發姣ing 😣💓💋（下刪1000字）老實講arthur遇到我呢啲癡線真係黑仔sls 可惜呀，你已經係我嘅目標對象你走唔甩

目前已知嘅三個client都係infj，而眾所周知“官配”應該係entp但係佢否認咗，咁唔通佢又係infj？四個一齊開infj專屬組會算了

but anyways i think the reason I like masturbating and do self-harm, piercing etc in general are because I like the aftercare part where I can tend and pamper myself

self-care box is also a form of aftercare

maybe I should also do some more trauma aftercare

i still think it is kinda difficult to do so because the basic infrastructure is shit and I need to rebuild the collapsed world from scratch

and then i need to tend and recultivate my inner child as well

in addition to all these uni work

speaking of which there is a clinical attachment opportunity coming up but im not sure if i should go for it or else with such shitty knowledge base I think I am attending just to ruin my name and reputation ngl

so i am technically a slasher with many different jobs - as a therapy client, as a caretaker, as a patient (i think), and as a full-time student! so actually I am working overtime.

I forgot if I have already mentioned it previously but I found those 帶病上學 and 復學 vlogs quite comforting to watch because my circumstances are different yet kinda similar?? though this week I've been avoiding watching 小紅書 because I'm pretty sure my algorithm is already too dark and I kinda get triggered/ had my mood worsened every time I use it lol. So that's why I am still relatively happy (on the horny side) and non-suicidal (only some of the times, but less desperate than previous weeks)（祈求唔好立flag真係生不如死）

排卵期妄言

 如何才能把你拽下皇位？面對著我那癡情的妄想，為何你仍然處變不驚？

不滿意於你那無動於衷的神情，我變本加厲地引誘你，激怒你；我又提起我窺視他的多個賬號，他問是我在關心他嗎，我怒了，這不是我預想的反應，為什麼他仍然悠然自得；我嘲笑他像渣男的髮型和以前為活動起的糟糕名稱，他仍然照樣聊天；我提起我最近的春夢，夢到我和他一起愉快地啪啪，他伸出手臂而我與他十指緊扣，我坐在他大腿上時我拉著他的手臂希望讓自己獲得一個緊密的愛的擁抱，我彎下腰讓他抓住我纖細的腰部，他有力的頂撞讓我呻吟不已......但他還是如常一樣聆聽著！

如何才能看到他那不為人知的一面？怎麼樣才能證明我是特殊的那一個？

我依舊分享著我使用玩具的愉悅。當然這包括我那親愛的利歐路玩偶。那隻我偶爾會帶去咨詢室的利歐路。與他電腦屏幕上擺放著的利歐路相呼應。這樣他就會不斷地想起我。震蛋在上，利歐路在下，濕潤的鮑魚隨著一下下的律動與他的臉相貼合，就像你在舔拭著我的閪一樣，津甜的淫液流滿你那美麗的臉龐、鼻樑、嘴巴......我想看到你為我而眼神迷離、呼吸淺促、臉紅耳赤，我想聽到你那澀情的喘氣、利用我的身體時情不自禁地淫叫、充滿愛意和激情地呼喚我的名字，稱讚我，責罵我，羞辱我......回想起咨詢中你人畜無害的發言，如今可歪曲成極為色情的念頭——“咁你蝦我啦” “坐返低！” “起身” “啲隔音冇乜用”——多麼富有拉扯力的、可隨時互換位置的支配與臣服！

你已習慣我利用我與你的春夢和無盡的幻想作為自慰的燃料。我為你在不眠之夜中舒服到顫抖，高潮到伸出柔軟的舌頭，享受著這般曼妙的感覺而流淚；濕潤的洞口一張一合，靜待你的加入。你也會為我射嗎？去年咨詢室白板上被我刮走的兩滴令人不禁遐想的蛋白色液體，到底是什麼？你是否也在某一天的一刻中也為我情不自禁？

我甘願做你的小三，或者我將來有錢後包養你成為我的奴隸，幻想著彼此在不應踏越的邊界外進行不可描述的事情，以求證明我被在乎著。

反正我都被惡心的博士非禮過，整個童年都被不同的人欺凌過，我的尊嚴已成為糞土，我的身體已成為供人愉悅的物品。如果我可以選擇被我所愛著的人這樣對待，而他也是愛著我的話，這已經是天賜的獎勵......

或者，如果我過早死去的話，我希望轉生做一隻小貓，被這位善良而愛我的博士領養，每天都可以沐浴在愛與溫暖之中，又可以光明正大地坐在他的胯上，親吻著他的耳朵、他的嘴唇——當著他妻子的臉。

https://bdsmtest.org/r/wGRUNm9s

self-care box and crisis plan

 I was planning to write up a timeline of all my trauma and stuff because I have never done such a thing before, but I was reading my autobiography coursework for last year's counselling course and found some more bad events that I had forgotten again. And that coursework was pretty comprehensive, so despite it not being an actual "point-form" list, but a piece of essay written chronologically, I might postpone this idea for later lol.

Regarding this self-care box, it was an idea originated from 1st November, 2023. I made a little self-care website that works as a virtual self-care box, but it was essentially an empty box with a bunch of cute stickers which didn't really serve its function. Now that I've moved to this new house, I think I have the space for a physical one. So here I'll draft about things to be put inside, with references from this nice little blog.

Self Care Box!

(created on 10 Aug 2025, updated on 10 Feb 2026)

- box: my password protected (but useless) storage bag + white metal box (with postcards inside)

- things for crisis

    - list of grounding exercises (to be added)

    - a mandatory body scan to pause myself

    - breathing technique cards (to be added) (!= mindfulness exercises)

    - a list of people + methods to contact them if i need to

    - letters from people I care about/ reminders that I was being cared about (e.g. Arthur's emails, my list of Pikmin bloom friends)

    - photos of people I like/ happy things that I did

    - a copy of my crisis plan (to be made)

    - tissues, wet wipes, bottled water

    - self-care check list (refer to ADHD self care)

    - a list of my favourite things (e.g. riolu, Skye the dragon)

- nurturing items

    - snacks

        - sweet: koala biscuits with different words/ doodles

        - savoury: animal biscuits

    - bath bombs (to motivate myself to shower)

    - stickers

    - stuffed toys

    - cute fuzzy socks

    - lip balm (esp winter)

- distraction items

    - list of to-watch anime

    - books

    - blank papers for drawing? + safe non-sharp non-edible pens

    - colouring book (e.g. printables from this website )

    - puzzle/ brain games to play (rummikub, Drop the Cat, sudoku, Sumikko farm)

    - rereading my diary entries (physical diary/ schedule book more focused on happy stuff)

    - fill in some Q&A lists (e.g. taylorlmw's QOTD)

    - a list of links you can browse

- grounding items

    - physical sensations/ touch:

        - tangle

        - stress balls and squishies

        - bubble wrap

        - suction cup silicone mat

        - stickers made from different materials

    - taste:

        - super sour candy

        - wasabi packs

        - spicy snack packs

        - some stimming toys to chew on?

    - sight:

        - analog clock

        - timer/ hourglass? (I suggest not to watch the sober timer from the Iamsober app bc it worked in the opposite way)

        - mirror

        - glasses wipe !

        - scroll through the calendar (to see all the challenging classes I have already been through)

    - scent:

        - fragrance

        - candles

        - soap

    - sound:

        - CDs

        - playlists (but seems most songs are ruined/ tainted by my depressive episodes)

        - white noise (iPad accessibility function)

        - analog clock ticking

    - body/ somatic:

        - try breathing exercises out of spite to Arthur's recommendation

        - body scan again

woah such a big box?