i miss writing here
but I didn't have much to write
because the thoughts I have been having are repetitive and I think I have covered most of them in my blogs before already
I am just living in the past honestly
crying kinda hard every night until I fall asleep
and wake up to a brand new day by the radiant sunshine
life just goes on and my day is "refreshed" like a game
so why bother living another day? when all my emotions doesn't matter at the end of the day?
there is no difference living an extra day because nothing really changes and I am just back to my old self
I am waking up just to sleep again, where I would not be harassed (such an improvement) or disturbed, and not having suicidal thoughts and thus no chance of hurting myself in any way.
Nothing changes
should I actually go and see a doctor? But eating medicine makes me feel like I am useless in controlling my own emotion. But honestly perhaps I could've done so two years ago, I needed it far more back then. Now it's probably too late and unnecessary as my sadness isn't too painful I think. And I don't want to surrender my driver's license haha.
idk man
also there was this groupmate with social anxiety and one time she asked if I am also feeling the same (unprepared) for bedsides and I said yeah
what I didn't tell her is that she is much more braver than me though because she volunteered to do the examinations while I am just trying to hide myself
I can see a bright future ahead for all my groupmates although they might seem they are less academically competent than many that I know of. Although they might not know a lot of the things but they kept trying and trying.
Meanwhile I am still dwelling in the past.
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