food for thought

 therapy yesterday and we ditched (or postponed) the idea of doing EMDR because my feelings and the incident itself are too separated from each other + I think I couldn't come up with a "safe place" (as the therapy room is getting demolished lmfao)

We drew on the whiteboard to recreate and visualise the incident (just like how I did with Julie Chen) and I told him about the depersonalisation I had back then with that zoomed out aerial view so I wasn't really emotionally bothered when I was drawing it out on the board (which is also an aerial view).

My hands were shaky when I was drawing in first person in my iPad though. I tried to draw my vision when the incident happened but I still couldn't really think of what the dude was dissecting- but at least now I recalled he was holding a probe at one moment and scissors also. But that was too non-specific so I couldn't narrow down to which part of the body lol

I told him about my "obsession? compulsion?" of trying to figure out where the fuck did he dissected. It was once intended to guide myself to check what exact date/ lesson did it happen, but now it was simply just to satisfy my thought of completing the puzzle. He asked if this blank is actually a distractor to the bigger thing- the sexual assault itself. I was very intrigued as I have never thought of it that way. It feels like I wanted to avoid feeling it but I want to keep thinking about it and processing it. I told him this is a really good question and maybe it is.

Fuck he is so smart again awhoihdisalhfnjdafihlo wweeeeeeeeeeewwwww

Maybe I should also think "what purpose is [this] serving me?" sometimes he does share his thought processes (which is this question) and I guess this is useful

Then I also told him how I feel crying is as shameful as moaning, so I was too embarrassed to cry in front of others e.g. him. He was wondering how come it is compared to moaning (tbh idk too maybe because I was horny most of the time so this is one of the thoughts which came across), and said I've never cried in front of him, the most I've done is to curl up and weep a little. I asked him what is actually crying- like how loud how teary how sobby should it be in order to define it as crying- he was a bit confused? because it just happens naturally i suppose? (now I'm thinking his wording is 喊 which technically is sobbing so it's fair I haven't sobbed but tbh I think I kinda cried before?)

He said I seem not embarrassed for bringing up sexual topics, and I explained that's literally just like the incident. Describing the acts is separated from feeling the "things". It is just a description without carrying the emotions for it so I do not feel a single thing. But I would be too embarrassed to moan- or to cry in front of him, despite wanting to.

Anyways I told him about how my mom and dad would imitate me when I am crying because they found it funny. He commented 咁衰嘅? (I also find it so bad aaaaaaahh), and thus I stopped crying because it wasn't funny.

Hmm anyways the food for thought (I think I've used the same title in one of my previous entries as well- perhaps 2023 dec? or 2024 summer. I think it is right before an exam) is the puzzle distractor. Quite interesting. Yet I am not sure if I wanted to change it, because now separating them keeps me relatively mentally sane, but if I merge my emotions and the incident, then it would be too painful to carry as one whole luggage. However I guess I need to merge them in order to have my first step to healing??? Is there a way to avoid the pain? The pain of wanting to die but couldn't/ wouldn't? The torment by such thoughts in every waking hour?