Control without controlling

 Emotions.

https://journalsmarter.com/8-ways-to-control-your-emotions

This was a nice blog.

I have been telling my little anxiety in my brain to take a rest. So it is a bit quieter now (I tried to let her be and let her just sit there)

I have to tell myself I can do it.

I can do it.

There is still 16 days. And my progress is okay. It can be better. But it was already decent.

!

Keep it up. They will be cheering for us. Everyone is rooting for us. There's expectations, but there's also hope and encouragement.

doooo ittttttt

emotions are a mess, like a little wild pony. But I guess I'll just stand and observe like an annoyed parent and ignore it flying around (if it wasn't helping) while I am doing my work.

Sometimes I wake up feeling like Anger from Inside Out 2, wanting to smash Anxiety's overthinking monitor into pieces. Fack all these wild scenarios bro let me chill for a seccccc aaaa I need to focus on the present bro!!! haha

Thats it for today's diary entry. I wonder if Arthur reads my dream log. (wow I kind of see why he say I kept changing topics, but it made sense in my mind, I think of diary, so I relate to dream log which I am also writing daily. heh) i think my brain runs on a slightly faster speed than typical people? the busy version of Anxiety in the movie is my usual brain speed. And Riley's anxious mind is me during my normal conversations with others. And my bad rainy days is Riley's panic attack, but I'd describe it as having 100 Anxiety whirlwinds. (But after the bad days have passed I would feel like I have over-exaggerated it lol) And my actual panic attack would be 10000 Anxiety whirlwinds. I am basically fueled by anxiety. Well, anger popped out recently, so sometimes he will smash the anger button at home or in therapy session when I was ranting. hahahah lol

emotions are cute.

Timeline

 so we should make a timeline of all the things that led me into a spiral

so I was unhappy for a long time-

and then more stressed for year one summative, but it was manageable using Headspace app from which I got a free subscription plan from hku cedars

and then stressed for results

passed

still slightly stressed because i thought I shouldn't have enough marks to pass

and then covid hits in july, the bad thing was not covid itself, but the rather disappointing experience that my parents decided to sleep in instead of take me to the hospital despite me throwing up black suspicious stuff and feeling very unwell

august I was rather happy, I went to anime con and I also got a new very strong laptop, but I felt something was off. By mid august my mindset turned a bit unhealthy but I wasn't sure why, because I forgot about the disappointing event in July

and at the first few days of school in sept I was feeling more off and began to draw disturbing pictures with rather "edgy" hints. I wasn't aware I was having a way worse mindset than I assumed. I thought I was just slightly blue from resumption of school.

Mid sept I was beginning to be more sad, but I found my new hobby, because I started my driving classes. I loved driving.

By October my emotions were more and more pent up so I decided to start writing diary entries. I started from sharing about my past. Because that time, my diary was used as a tool for me to record who did something bad to me, because I had a bad habit of forgetting bad people, so I kept being with these people, which ended up hurting myself even more.

Somehow slowly, the diary turned from writing about past bullies, to my parents. And they were so damn annoying every day.

And I got even more sad.

And somewhere in this timeframe I got sexually harassed by a professor during dissection practical, but I totally forgot about it until much later. I began to have more symptoms during driving.

What didn't make things better is that I failed my driving test. It was until now that I realised me not focused enough on driving was because of me dissociating (or maybe of a suspected undiagnosed ADHD, who knows). And my past lessons of me having illusions of car reversing was actually rather concerning.

Finally my hand and legs were shaking so badly but I tried to brush it off, and I dreamt of me suiciding. I was rather scared of the dream.

And there comes two anniversaries in a row about two rather unhappy experiences. I was very sad, and somehow my friend, Ivan, chose to sat with me during that day's lecture. I still didn't know why, but maybe it was just coincidence. Because he was walking with his friends and supposed to sit with them.

I broke down after lecture. I don't really think it was a panic attack because I have had it worse? But anyways he asked if I wanted to seek therapy. I refused because I was so scared of them spreading my private info.

But after a few days I couldn't bear it anymore so I asked Ivan to refer me, as I couldn't fill in the form, as I don't really know what I needed help with, so I can't tick the boxes. (Later I asked him, he ticked everything for me except romantic relationship lol)

My memory also got so bad to the point I got lost in the anatomy lab, not knowing which table I belong to. I lost the concept of tables according to my PBL group, but I forgot what group I am in anyways. A kind lab technician and I searched the name list together (luckily I remember my name) and she led me to my table. Despite being in the lab at the exact same table for every lesson. How ironic!

so yeah! and later i recalled the dissection incident, and i also failed my formative exam. Now I failed the second one. I hope I can pass the supplementary exams though. I have been working very very hard this year, so I really want to make my efforts count.

I am back on track on my finances. I developed new insight to the world, I became less suicidal (in the sense that I don't think about it every day anymore.) I think these are some pretty big feats!

Dear diary

 Dear diary,

I was a bit sad today.

This is the second day Mum tried to sit down and talk to me. But yesterday I was naiive to think that she had finally turn for the better, and today morning she scolded me with the same old script of me “not being mean enough to myself”. I am very disappointed.

I think I am already way too mean about myself. I tried to overwork despite being overwhelmed and my rest was overdue. I exerted 10000% of my effort. If I am meaner to myself, the only thing is to jump… honestly. It’s quite sad.

Anyways today at dinner she tried to ask me a lot of my “where I went what I ate what I did who did I meet” type of questions. I stayed silent again. She was pissed. She asked me why I am being so cold. I said if I said I don’t want to answer, you’ll scold me. To which she replied immediately, of course!! How come you are keeping secrets to the family! We are the only people you can trust.

And here comes her usual speech of me being more and more disobedient, as if I want to be independent. And if I don’t want to tell them everything, she can disown me and not give me anything.

It’s my first time hearing that latter part though. So I said, huh??

She said, if you dont respect me, I wouldn’t respect you too! And as a mum what can I do to disrespect my child? By disowning them!

Me was like, ??

But honestly though I was tired I don’t care if they disown me or not I just need money lol. Because they didn’t provide any actual useful stuff other than money and goods. So in that sense I just need free money because I have nothing else to lose. Maybe I can rent a space before the start of next year’s dorm if she really mean it. (She doesn’t. It’s just for me to hear)

Dad was in the bedroom watching youtube as always. Always oblivious to our discussions. He didn’t even know what’s going on.

Bruh.

Failed parenting.

And my failed academics.

Everything is a failure.

At least I have some nice friends… I’m not sure if we would still be close even if touchwood I retake the year though

This is just sad.

Tragedy.

What a sad day. But every day is a sad day. So it wasn’t as sad as I would have experienced. Growing accustomed to this infected wound, it doesn’t seem to be healing. Not with this environment.

Oh edit: im not really that upset by the disown part, but if they mentioned it after I get financially independent it would he nice. But I don’t think they will, because by then they would be blood sucking my finances instead haha🖕🏻

不及格

 我真的他媽的氣死了！

媽媽問過我，我的同學們在幹嘛（類似這個問題）。我說大嶼山（M）去旅行。所以不去上課了。

我現在不在她大喊之後立馬起床的話，她就會說我學壞了！不學習了！以後不要跟大嶼山來往！我怎麼變得這麼懶！

而且她叫我起床的方式是悄無聲色地解鎖我的門，開門，走到我床邊，然後突然大叫並大力地打在我身上！於是我每天都在驚嚇中起來。

我覺得我遲早神經衰弱。

前幾天媽媽去買外賣。收銀問她有沒有樂悠卡。（長者卡的物體）（可以打八折）。

她回來跟我和我爸訴說，她氣死了。

爸爸安慰她說，可能她只是想問問你有沒有帶其他人的樂悠卡呢？

接著媽媽就開始罵爸爸為什麼還沒申請那張卡。

過了一會兒她又若無其事地熱情地叫我們快吃東西。不然就生蟲啦（她近來不斷使用的理由。我覺得太誇張了吧）

爸爸怒了！但沒有罵回去。

過了一會兒媽媽又出門買東西了。

我們有點面面相覷。

那天是父親節。

anyways

我不及格啊嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚嗚我覺得我要留級了嗚嗚嗚嗚

我把學習日程編好了我已經又在溫習了嗚嗚嗚嗚但是怎麼這麼悶啊！悶到死。

腦子是回來了但是這些內容實在悶到令人作嘔。

原本沒有哭，只是非常不愉快。

然後ivan興高采烈地dm問我考成怎麼樣。我說要重考。

然後他說他可以陪我溫習嗚嗚嗚（原本考前他也有說過，但現在也又說了）

嗚嗚嗚哭哭

（不過他說他不能每天都陪啦）

阿阿阿阿阿阿阿阿唉

唉

唉

我不想回家

但也不能死啊如果死不成那就可能住院然後必然復讀一年what the fuck

垃圾狗屎人生

天天超級癢我靠

而且現在媽媽一直說我操 我覺得很不好 怎麼溫文爾雅的媽媽變成這樣子了，而且是罵非常小的事情，有什麼好罵的（例如忘了給電話充電但全日在家）

Insight 2

 So these few days i was rather unhappy because my mum was scolding me for warning others about the sus dude, and she spammed me with different screenshots of comments from people saying not to get inside trouble and it is none of my business

(And im still stressed because i dont know how the trip will turn out, if they got something bad happen, i feel like my hands would be covered in blood because I withheld information/ rumor from some of them) (I saw Human today, who would be going on the trip, shes the one who gave me the bandage and lent me the hairclip… so I chatted casually about hows their trip plan going, and I said be careful to her. She said thanks! And then.. I said be careful to her again😂…… she said ooookay..?? And i just yeeahhhhh..!) (i think i tried, or at least attempted, i hope she’s alert enough, me and ivan are wishing for her, shes a postgrad after all, but shes rather short (shorter than me.. so below 160, and sus dude is almost 190cm)

Oh my gooooooddddd, and also yesterday i was chatting with Ruby, my secondary school friend who was the smartest in class/ form, because we’re rather close friends, and we chatted about this again, and our common friend is Audrey, who was the only other girl who probably doesnt know about sus dude (other than Human), she asked me if I want her to help me tell Audrey. I replied i was actually thinking about it for a few days but I still dont know. But we unanimously agree Audrey is a smart and strong girl. Hopefully she’s smart enough <p.s. I wrote about her like wayyyyy early in my diary, the day where I was introducing A1 A2 A3 but shes another A-lettered name and she kinda pushed me out of her way so i thought she doesnt like me) (i still dont know if she hate me or not although all our interactions were peaceful..? Ajhdsjjdjs)

Anyways today Mum was sharing her tiktok discoveries again- those disastrous accidents and tragedies

And one of it is about a rich woman got domestic abused by her famous husband to death

And she’s telling me not to have meals with males frequently (wow interesting insight…) and if in the future my husband seems to have violent tendencies and about to hit me, I should run and call the police

So i asked her, what if it already happened? She said you have to call the police

And i ask her again, what if the guy is famous, she still said call the police to let everyone know about how bad the guy is

So now im a bit confused by her stance

Maybe her stance is like I shouldnt help others but I should advocate and protect myself

But honestly i think it is way easier said than done, it seemed simple on paper, i wonder if she’ll still tell me to report if I tell her lol, so i wont tell her yet

Before me leaving the dining table, she said again to only trust them and tell them everything 

Nah

Jahajsjdksjdjdjd also today is the first day of Chinese lecture, i went to sit with ivan and his friends. 95% of our convo is lewd stuff, oh actually the day befor I was also DMing him a lot of haha dirty convo, he told me again I have great potential to sexually harrass people 🤡🤡🤡 i find it funny… although it was a bit ironic

Also that day he DMed me again saying something along the lines like Arthur probably thinks im a pain in the ass to be dealt with, why am I taking so long lol

🤡 but i know he’s not saying maliciously because all the other chats are nice 🤡 it’s just that from time to time he’ll say things like this and I’ll be slightly upset, but I’ll comfort myself becuase I remembered a long time ago charlotte saying my case is interesting, and also sometimes Arthur says it is interesting 

Remembered one time a few months ago ivan asked me if i should seek those random online help website instead of face to face with Arthur because seems like my therapy is ineffective 🫥 (but I felt like i/ my perspective was slowly changing hence effective so i said no to ivan)

Aaaaaaa is he jealous lol aahahdhekdhsj but other than this, hes supportive in other topics

Hahahahashehehehuiidueidjshshd

Also yesterday I was trying to use my toy to distract myself again and to find some happiness

But on one hand I felt incredibly gross by the harrassment, yet I am trying to seek happiness from masturbating

And I felt more and more disgust at myself and eventually stopped midway because I/ my brain can’t feel any arousal (even though my body says so)

Bruh and then I feel like a horny cunt again

Bruh

Why do people just want to touch me and possibly fuck me

Bruh

This is rather stupid

I guess the upcoming month of therapy would be busy asf because this wed I’ll probably talk about this terrible sus dude and my flashback, next wed I’ll update with their macau trip (next mon-tue), for better or the worse (i will either be guilty i made a big fuss out of nothing and im too vigilant and it’s not necessary; or they’ll unfortunately get into something bad and I’ll be guilty as fuck and I’ll probably be suicidal); and the next next wed my exam results are there (mon release) (can’t possibly imagine, haagdhfhrhfj so stressed!!!! But I’ll focus on the sus dude and the macau trip for now), and depends on my exam results, next next next week will either be: checking out how to actually report, or stay silent before retest and stressing about exams all over again

Life is shit!

People are shit!

Terrible!

Can’t really see the point!! What’s the point of living with predators everywhere! What the fuck, seems like the society is fucked up the whole time but i chose to unsee it/ my parents protected me too well so I am too stupid to see anything coming/ protect myself

I feel so damn useless!

However this rant may sound, my mental state was better than that in the last diary- molester magnet though. So! I will pull through one more day! Maybe through sleep and movies! And then it will be therapy time!

Just sometimes feeling quite bad and stupid because I thought I was almost recovering, but actually I wasn’t the whole time, and I sort of relapsed

Or maybe theyre two separate things so recovering in one doesnt mean im recovering from another one as well

Oh and back to the weird horniness and urge to think about dirty stuff and talk about it all the time, i wonder if I was coping using this, because by talking about it myself I’ll sort of have/ regain the right to control how I want the act to work out/ what I want to talk about

Beheudhajshaj and yesterday’s mental state was like this pic i saw on xiaohongshu

Fucking accurate, though i guess im not reallllly suicidal i guess, I just wanted to die

(??

Like I wouldn’t reaaaallly jump perhaps, and im just saying

^ i dont know if this will hold true in the future but let’s see if i took a turn to the worse

Also side note the day before yesterday my dad was telling me riolu was smelly

Yesterday both my mum and dad told me riolu is very smelly together

Today when I got home after class dad told me he washed my riolu and was drying it by the aircon

Hahahahehehhshdhhr i wonder if they know what kind of smell it is

I was also chatting with ivan about two suspicious stain on Arthur’s whiteboard that I have been observing for weeks

i told ivan i user the pin he used to hold up the whiteboard paper to scrape off the two suspicious whitish yellow stain 

Reallly sus although i have not seen real life semen / dries up semen

Like there is a semi transparent thin part of stain, and the thicker side of stain is relatively non transparent yellowish white, like soy bean milk???? But soy bean milk wont coagulate on wall. (I think)

Wowwowkwowkwowowo hahahahahahaahahohohohho i bet he’ll act dumb

Actually that time when i was scraping, bro went silent

I thought he wasnt looking at me though, and everytime i sit up from the sofa bed to look back he was having his back at me so im not sure. But i remember the first time i pull uo the pin, bro went silent too, until he saw me playing the pin on the fabric wall and im not using it on myself..?

Lmfao !!!!!!!!!! hahahahahaahaha hilarious

Molester magnet

 :(

Well although i said i wouldnt write diary for arthur to read anymore (because i realised he was just wanting to help me, and if I speak in person it would benefit me), I figured it would be better for me to write this down, because i might forget soon

Basically turned down this trip I was a bit worried to go to

I don’t feel like typing it again… so I’ll just copy and paste what I have shared to my frd M (the one whom I had lunch and I recalled the incident with professor)

Here is the paste

—-

Before summative, matthew plan some post summative activity for our pbl group, we vote for macau 2 day 1 night trip

We opened a side big group for macau discussion

We vote on date but seems cant really work, so we put the discussion aside

After summative, ernest is the first one who brought up the topic, he send a vote again, but no one vote

Later he whatsapp some of us individually to ask if we are free on certain days for the trip <my first red flag>

Afterwards he opened a new small macau group by himself <second red flag>, why not use old one

Choose hotel, but no one give shit in group, ernest send out like 8 hotels for us to vote

Ok vote jao vote

Ernest initially suggested one big room live all four of us (2 boy 4 girl), but this discussion is put aside

And then after the hotel choice vote, human suggest she has diamond member so she can help, ernest say he has too so he can do it So far still ok

But then ernest said he wants to book 2 rooms for us

Matthew was confused, asked that means one girl need to live with them two boys

Ernest then say let us girls vote 2 room or 3 room

Some vote 2 room, (maybe they dont know ernest sus)

Me and another girl (i told her ernest sus) didnt vote yet (i also told matthew ernest sus)

I say i dont mind but i want to live with girls

And then later i just dont feel comfortable so i tell them i cant go

AND THEN

Juice start

Matthew ask me why mm go, what happen, if i dont go he doesnt want to go too but he thinks ernest angry so maybe he will go

I say it’s your choice

Matthew then in group say maybe not enough ppl

And then!!

Ernest say maybe the group will be spammy so he removed me from the mini macau group he made

And then matthew send me screenshot ernest in group saying how frustrating it was to organise the trip

And how he contacted the hotel and made arrangements

Big red flag

Cuz he never mentioned he made arrangements, if he said then maybe i wouldnt propose i mm go

And then ernest in screenshot say cant change date

Basically a bunch of reasons to keep ppl not leaving the group

(Matthew suggested change date or cancel

Ernest just say cant)

I just find this whole thing a bit alarming

Or maybe just because i still haven’t gotten myself over with the jian yang thing so im a bit worried

But i dont want to risk

But seems now ernest’s reaction is making everything suspicious

And also the other girl never said he want 2 or 3 room, so it is impossible for ernest to have arranged the hotel already

—-

Yeah

So suspicious 

Actually before me ditching, i was thinking about this trip for a week / worried about it

Today during dinner i talked about this to my parents

They see gigantic red flag and an obvious trap

And agreed i shouldnt go

(In the middle of the chat my mum said I shouldn’t have told others about how bad the guy is, or else those groupmates would blame me if eventually they cancelled the trip… somehow this strike a chord in my brain and i just really wanted to cry, i asked my mum why not, i cant let them be oblivious towards this… they didn’t seem to notice my tiny tear though) my head was kinda heavy and cloggy after that, and im just tired and sleepy till now

Later i was talking about how sus the dude was

After that we were heading back to hotel

I asked them what if I accused him of something not real, cuz all these arent really “fact checked” and i just heard from others

Dad said if youre unsure if the pool has shark, will you take a dive inside? Are you going to experiment on yourself?

I laughed, I have other pools with clearly no sharks, I’ll choose those instead

And also i think these bad news wont become rumours if the dude is actually good and innocent. Even if have, if the dude is good enough, people may defend him, but so far there’s no one defending him

Mum was sharing how her boy neighbour in her secondary school kept touching her butt back then

Dad was telling me this society is like this and ppl like this are everywhere and they are trying to protect me but i need to work along with them, hes telling me how he made sure the ceiling lights wont shine/ blind my eyes when i was small and on the baby pram, how they made sure to stand in front of the pram on the downward escalator to catch me in case i fell over etc

Idk man… now i just felt i suck because I couldn’t protect myself, i just attract molesters everywhere, i wanna cry it sucks i wanna die what the fuck

Terrible

I asked them what if it happened already then what am i gonna do

They said then theres nothing you can do, they can just deny, and you gotta bite the bullet and move on, thats why i need to protect myself at the beginning 

—

I am not planning to tell my parents about the jy incident yet

But via this matter i think i know more about their opinions on these stuff

Idk..

Im just cuddling my riolu

Im just tired

And turned out M didnt know about the jy incident- I thought i told her already, though she said if i told her she’ll probably remember. Maybe that time i was too vague about it so she doesn’t know 

Anyways so i repeated the incident briefly to her and yeah

I feel a bit bad

Maybe turned out i havent finished processing this thing

She encouraged me to report too, because the classmate that touched her in year one left mbbs because he defered twice, and she regretted not reporting when she had the chance. And if i dont report maybe the 心結 will be still here

My mind is in a mess

Actually the day before yesterday (therapy day) i was pretty happy after therapy, i went to the little garden at sassoon 5, and I made a little tune within the 20 minutes of waiting for the shuttle bus. I wrote lyrics for the song too, they rhyme, though a little bit incoherent. It was a happy little tune. When i got back home I was transcribing the audio i recorded (as song draft) into my program. Now i just felt terrible and i dont think i have the energy to continue making the happy song, i need to put it to a halt.

Why… :( molester magnet… cant defend…

Also that ernest was so double sided he kicked me from the group and then started writing bad stuff about “certain people” aka me in the group. One (oblivious) comforted ernest, another one (also oblivious) also comforted but also said some nice stuff for me. The other two (whom i told them about him being sus) stayed silent (actually one of them stayed silent the whole time)

I feel like im part of a drama

This world is a joke

So gross (of the world, others, and me)

I guess although it would be interesting to discuss about fantasies in the next session, i am more sad about this shit

Lmao, the fantasy discussion kept getting delayed

Also saw ruth and ursmar heading for lunch, probably QMH? last time (i ate at grove) i noticed ursmar first (is it ursmar or urshmar i forgot), and i didn’t recognise ruth, i thought it was a random person, so i continue sipping my spaghetti sauce

And when i looked up i was like hol on wait thats ruth omg- this is so sad lol i recognise her by the pants because of the dangling belt decoration thing probably same pants as the one in my live photo with the dog💀 and clothing style grey shirt bruh instead of recognising her face …… i feel bad

Hahahaha…

And i take back my sentence of not having fantasy anymore- because i still have

But not as big as before. I think before i was craving for physical intimacy because i cant do the emotion one closely, and i was thinking physical can compensate 

Now the fantasy is smaller and it runs on the fact im a bit horny and u guys are cute, instead of multiplying with other factors like compensating for closeness, wanting to service people so they wont leave me?, stress, maybe i also kind of wanna assert my dominance and hatefuck people?

Also remembered u said I probably have things i regret putting inside my diary, and maybe i should stop writing it

The answer is no i dont have anything that i regret

Because i decided to write it down and upload to the drive

If i really dont want to write something, i either simply dont write it, or write on a separate place

There’s nothing i can regret, regret is useless, you either do or not do a certain thing, in my opinion.

:((

Many friends on my priv asked me am i ok

Im just a bit tired and grossed out