Molester magnet

 :(

Well although i said i wouldnt write diary for arthur to read anymore (because i realised he was just wanting to help me, and if I speak in person it would benefit me), I figured it would be better for me to write this down, because i might forget soon

Basically turned down this trip I was a bit worried to go to

I don’t feel like typing it again… so I’ll just copy and paste what I have shared to my frd M (the one whom I had lunch and I recalled the incident with professor)

Here is the paste

—-

Before summative, matthew plan some post summative activity for our pbl group, we vote for macau 2 day 1 night trip

We opened a side big group for macau discussion

We vote on date but seems cant really work, so we put the discussion aside

After summative, ernest is the first one who brought up the topic, he send a vote again, but no one vote

Later he whatsapp some of us individually to ask if we are free on certain days for the trip <my first red flag>

Afterwards he opened a new small macau group by himself <second red flag>, why not use old one

Choose hotel, but no one give shit in group, ernest send out like 8 hotels for us to vote

Ok vote jao vote

Ernest initially suggested one big room live all four of us (2 boy 4 girl), but this discussion is put aside

And then after the hotel choice vote, human suggest she has diamond member so she can help, ernest say he has too so he can do it So far still ok

But then ernest said he wants to book 2 rooms for us

Matthew was confused, asked that means one girl need to live with them two boys

Ernest then say let us girls vote 2 room or 3 room

Some vote 2 room, (maybe they dont know ernest sus)

Me and another girl (i told her ernest sus) didnt vote yet (i also told matthew ernest sus)

I say i dont mind but i want to live with girls

And then later i just dont feel comfortable so i tell them i cant go

AND THEN

Juice start

Matthew ask me why mm go, what happen, if i dont go he doesnt want to go too but he thinks ernest angry so maybe he will go

I say it’s your choice

Matthew then in group say maybe not enough ppl

And then!!

Ernest say maybe the group will be spammy so he removed me from the mini macau group he made

And then matthew send me screenshot ernest in group saying how frustrating it was to organise the trip

And how he contacted the hotel and made arrangements

Big red flag

Cuz he never mentioned he made arrangements, if he said then maybe i wouldnt propose i mm go

And then ernest in screenshot say cant change date

Basically a bunch of reasons to keep ppl not leaving the group

(Matthew suggested change date or cancel

Ernest just say cant)

I just find this whole thing a bit alarming

Or maybe just because i still haven’t gotten myself over with the jian yang thing so im a bit worried

But i dont want to risk

But seems now ernest’s reaction is making everything suspicious

And also the other girl never said he want 2 or 3 room, so it is impossible for ernest to have arranged the hotel already

—-

Yeah

So suspicious 

Actually before me ditching, i was thinking about this trip for a week / worried about it

Today during dinner i talked about this to my parents

They see gigantic red flag and an obvious trap

And agreed i shouldnt go

(In the middle of the chat my mum said I shouldn’t have told others about how bad the guy is, or else those groupmates would blame me if eventually they cancelled the trip… somehow this strike a chord in my brain and i just really wanted to cry, i asked my mum why not, i cant let them be oblivious towards this… they didn’t seem to notice my tiny tear though) my head was kinda heavy and cloggy after that, and im just tired and sleepy till now

Later i was talking about how sus the dude was

After that we were heading back to hotel

I asked them what if I accused him of something not real, cuz all these arent really “fact checked” and i just heard from others

Dad said if youre unsure if the pool has shark, will you take a dive inside? Are you going to experiment on yourself?

I laughed, I have other pools with clearly no sharks, I’ll choose those instead

And also i think these bad news wont become rumours if the dude is actually good and innocent. Even if have, if the dude is good enough, people may defend him, but so far there’s no one defending him

Mum was sharing how her boy neighbour in her secondary school kept touching her butt back then

Dad was telling me this society is like this and ppl like this are everywhere and they are trying to protect me but i need to work along with them, hes telling me how he made sure the ceiling lights wont shine/ blind my eyes when i was small and on the baby pram, how they made sure to stand in front of the pram on the downward escalator to catch me in case i fell over etc

Idk man… now i just felt i suck because I couldn’t protect myself, i just attract molesters everywhere, i wanna cry it sucks i wanna die what the fuck

Terrible

I asked them what if it happened already then what am i gonna do

They said then theres nothing you can do, they can just deny, and you gotta bite the bullet and move on, thats why i need to protect myself at the beginning 

—

I am not planning to tell my parents about the jy incident yet

But via this matter i think i know more about their opinions on these stuff

Idk..

Im just cuddling my riolu

Im just tired

And turned out M didnt know about the jy incident- I thought i told her already, though she said if i told her she’ll probably remember. Maybe that time i was too vague about it so she doesn’t know 

Anyways so i repeated the incident briefly to her and yeah

I feel a bit bad

Maybe turned out i havent finished processing this thing

She encouraged me to report too, because the classmate that touched her in year one left mbbs because he defered twice, and she regretted not reporting when she had the chance. And if i dont report maybe the 心結 will be still here

My mind is in a mess

Actually the day before yesterday (therapy day) i was pretty happy after therapy, i went to the little garden at sassoon 5, and I made a little tune within the 20 minutes of waiting for the shuttle bus. I wrote lyrics for the song too, they rhyme, though a little bit incoherent. It was a happy little tune. When i got back home I was transcribing the audio i recorded (as song draft) into my program. Now i just felt terrible and i dont think i have the energy to continue making the happy song, i need to put it to a halt.

Why… :( molester magnet… cant defend…

Also that ernest was so double sided he kicked me from the group and then started writing bad stuff about “certain people” aka me in the group. One (oblivious) comforted ernest, another one (also oblivious) also comforted but also said some nice stuff for me. The other two (whom i told them about him being sus) stayed silent (actually one of them stayed silent the whole time)

I feel like im part of a drama

This world is a joke

So gross (of the world, others, and me)

I guess although it would be interesting to discuss about fantasies in the next session, i am more sad about this shit

Lmao, the fantasy discussion kept getting delayed

Also saw ruth and ursmar heading for lunch, probably QMH? last time (i ate at grove) i noticed ursmar first (is it ursmar or urshmar i forgot), and i didn’t recognise ruth, i thought it was a random person, so i continue sipping my spaghetti sauce

And when i looked up i was like hol on wait thats ruth omg- this is so sad lol i recognise her by the pants because of the dangling belt decoration thing probably same pants as the one in my live photo with the dog💀 and clothing style grey shirt bruh instead of recognising her face …… i feel bad

Hahahaha…

And i take back my sentence of not having fantasy anymore- because i still have

But not as big as before. I think before i was craving for physical intimacy because i cant do the emotion one closely, and i was thinking physical can compensate 

Now the fantasy is smaller and it runs on the fact im a bit horny and u guys are cute, instead of multiplying with other factors like compensating for closeness, wanting to service people so they wont leave me?, stress, maybe i also kind of wanna assert my dominance and hatefuck people?

Also remembered u said I probably have things i regret putting inside my diary, and maybe i should stop writing it

The answer is no i dont have anything that i regret

Because i decided to write it down and upload to the drive

If i really dont want to write something, i either simply dont write it, or write on a separate place

There’s nothing i can regret, regret is useless, you either do or not do a certain thing, in my opinion.

:((

Many friends on my priv asked me am i ok

Im just a bit tired and grossed out