I thought mum cooks pretty well but after coming back from exchange I realised her cooking skills were quite mediocre and the food wasn't tasty and I can cook better than her 👉👈
forgot to mention in my previous entry that another thing I learnt during my exchange is that I really liked cooking because it gives me instant reward/ validation (? I forgot the phrase) during the most times when my food tastes good, and the second reason being I would be fully focused on preparing the food and the suicidal thoughts or any negative thoughts wouldn't pop up in the mind, not even once, and it gives me a breather in my life. And sometimes when friends come over to eat my dishes (* very patient and chill friends who gives emotional validation and wouldn't complain a single word although I was cooking so slowly) I felt quite satisfied looking at their happy faces when eating and it made me proud of myself.
Yesterday night I thought of another reason for cutting myself- When I look at the little scabs forming on the red slightly bleeding wounds, I can really tell it is healing, and the fact that after a week the scabs would fall off and eventually heal itself was comforting to see because my mental health doesn't seem to recover and I am not making progress although I have already been trying for a long time. Maybe I haven't really tried. idk.
> side note: I think this is also a reason why I am not particularly aiming for really bloody ones because the small ones already did the job. And actually I am quite scared of my own blood and I would get dizzy to see blood oozing out and dripping so I probably wouldn't cut that deep.
Anyways while I was brainstorming the above I sobbed to sleep again, so I didn't cut. And I didn't want to use my actual shaver for my eyebrow which is the only blade I have left as the rest went to Arthur previously, and this shaver carried a happy memory of how my roommate helped me trim my eyebrow very gently and told me to be gentle on myself when I didn't know how to use one and tried to use it forcefully. Although actually I already used it during exchange to cut myself. But I don't want to use it like that again.
Also it is quite inconvenient to have wounds at home so I am still trying to think of a solution for that before cutting harder. So far I just scratch myself but the swelling goes away in a night which is very dumb, and it does not give me scabs.
Talking about sobbing yesterday I was also pretty upset about Ivan again because he asked me how come I say I bleed but I don't have scars. And I take it as a 質疑. Or maybe I'm too sensitive and I still had some grudges from before so I took it as a challenge. Or maybe I am too anxious of how people would see me because I indeed do not have scars, I cut lightly and I do not have the type of skin which retains scars easily, so I was quite scared if they think I am seeking for attention and lying but I really am not. But now they knew about me cutting but I didn't cut recently and my arms are healthy as of today. But that's because I am resisting my urges! But now I got some pressure to cut because it was "expected of me to cut" but I don't want to (although sometimes I want). Oh my god. Maybe I should talk to Arthur about it.
And I don't think one should compare wounds because they all hurt.
And previously when I was asking people around to help me buy a kitchen knife on insta because UK stuff is stupid, he replied with some suggestions if I am using it to cut again with some blood emojis and I actually feel quite offended because that time I was trying my best to ignore my sadness and self-harm thoughts and he's bringing it up, and it is not even funny, like I can make jokes about myself as humor is my coping mechanism but I don't think others can make fun of it. It sounded like I am being double-standard but it really isn't funny at all and it hurts
Speaking about funny and humor I was usually very happy and bubbly in therapy and I can't show my sadness because the only thing which I am happy about in the whole week is meeting Arthur and I get to rant and show my different emotions and if I am not happy then the whole week I am not smiling which is even more sad
And until like high school or entering uni I always thought crying is as common as smiling as they are presentations of basic emotions and I genuinely thought crying every day is normal and if I got like 3 days without crying I would think it is odd. And I always questioned how come people don't cry at school, not even once, they all had strong skills to resist this part in them, and I also trained myself not to cry at school. And nobody seemed to talk about "crying" so I didn't question my belief as well. But then I found out actually for normal people there is nothing to cry about at school. How come?
How come?
I think I lived my life wrongly. And I became unsure of the rest of the many things which I have assumed. I already changed some thanks to therapy but I think there are much more to be uncovered.
I hope our brains have a usb c port where I can reinstall a clean copy of whatever operating system I am using, import all study materials inside, clean up the negativity and add whatever application that allows me to count time and schedule my tasks and execute my tasks according to plan !!! And stop my task part from getting influenced negatively by the emotions part of the brain !!!
