hmm hmmm hmmmm

 hmm, today afternoon while commuting I realised Ruth's haircut feels a bit like my sister (the one from Dad's another side of family) (does not look alike but the vibe is there)

also except from f2 classmistress, seems the rest of the women I liked are all short hair, wtf lol

(oh btw academic advisor has short hair) (I am not liking her that way though) (yet)

also the sister I just mentioned, her outfit style is also dark and cool, I remembered she had loads of cool looking rings as well

wooooooooooow

overall I approve her outfit vibe

bro last fri I was wearing that slightly cooler outfit (actually not that different, but I seldom wear like that on days with med lessons) and then 970 and 3-day-boy saw me at the shuttle bus station, so I said hi, and turned out they almost couldnt recognise me if I didn't say hi

(brooooooooooooo i shouldve pretended not seeing them, but my backpack would sell me out so I had to "hi"

anyways pretty weird, they asked me why am i in such punk outfit, so I made up a reason it's the last day of school lol. And they think if I am going to a punk concert or something

before that during a group lesson (that's why I bet I wouldn't see much people because it is not a whole class lecture), the kind girl that gave me bandage said oooo am i meeting someone? I said hmmmm yeah! she asked whooo, and then another groupmate joined in at the right time (really coincidentally) to ask about some exam stuff, so we just left the topic hanging and she didn't ask again hahaah

I mean if she ask I can just say "a friend" but yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhahaha

wearing my own outfits are kinda attracting unwanted attention and I don't really want that to happen (when I am with med people)

during the weekend I downloaded an app called the L, I heard it is the tinder for lesbians (and bi) (but they market towards lesbians mostly), so I signed up to have a look lmao, Im not going to find people on there for relationships definitely, I am just browsing pictures of pretty girls LMAO (serious)

hmm the "thing Im not telling" in the last entry was literally just the comic thing I let you see in person last time

hmmmmmmmm also last time you were wearing the riolu coloured shirt, just like my drawing lol, but somehow i was kinnnnnda scared hahahahaha ????? and I thought ure mad lol but I convinced myself it's probably morning grumpiness hahahashahashdhashksdf

aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

goals for therapy

seems like the same as before, which are incorrect

ik im not supposed to have a goal to blend in with people but for now I still think that this is safer lol

also want to clarify I dont want to "make more friends", cuz I know how to make friends if I really try to. I don't really aim to be "more approachable" too. I just want to be less scared of people and stop assuming things and scaring myself out about people lmao

and be less sensitive to shit haaahaha

---

hmMMM also last time when I was sitting in the waiting room two people walked by and looked at me LOL, first one I was not sure at all...... feels a bit like ruth (cuz i dont think it's Ming) (I am not sure what Angela looks like despite seeing her once) (Idk if it's Billy because apparently his office is at the basement??) and then after a few minutes Vinci walked by smiling, this one is way easier to tell hahahaha

bro so hard to tell when the whole door is matte except that area around eye level, I dont have other cues to help me ???

>:p and I couldnt see her to look for any hint to confirm myself last time hahahaah

surprise

 huh

today pbl last session!!! last time the pbl tutor told us this time there would be two additional observers joining us, just to assess her performance as a tutor.

today unfortunately i was late (bruh) (5 minutes) (luckily another girl also late and we entered the room at the same time). I knocked door and enter and "sorry", and after I sat down, to my pleasant (or unpleasant) (idk how to feel about this) surprise, BRO, my academic advisor was sitting at the corner of the room, bro she was one of the observers BORIOJOIRJFSDFHPKFDH hUH what a coincidence ??? LMao ok so I was a bit nervous LOL

yeah so during the pbl i kept looking at her but she just didnt look at me. when I wasn't looking, I felt she was looking at me. LMAO

ok and finally 1-to-1 evaluation session where our tutor gives mark, i was pretty nervous cuz the observers are still inside lol, and then later the other observer left. my academic advisor was still sitting inside. but when the tutor said it's my turn, my academic advisor left. thhhhhhhhhaaaaaaankkkkkkkkk uu

aaaaaaa ok so i got 88888 again, identical to last time. which is way better than that 67667 or something

(though other also pretty quiet girls got one 9 or two 9s... aaaa but anyways i have no 6 or 7 so it is ok very good already (i barely talked)) (I still don't get why my introverted level 90%+ friend can talk more than me, I am just 83% (well last year was 70 something), and I remembered her DSE SBA class presentation is super well done and she got full mark; I asked her before and she said she treated people as trees so that she can talk) (I cant lol)

and the super active boys in the group were a bit (well, very) unsatisfied with their 99999. (i think is because one of the quiet girls said she got one 9 happily)

while the tutor was still inside evaluating other students, the three boys were talking about how the tutor was strict towards them and was unfair, and gave us people higher marks and we dont deserve it lol, and they wanted to complain to the office if the tutor doesnt readjust their marks

and when the tutor finished with all students, the three tall boys just kind of stood in front of the door and asked her politely (though I think this is tense af, the tutor is a medium-short height female like me lol) about their marks

Broooooooooooo i think it's because they got too many 10s before and that time when i got 67667 they marked themselves as 1010101010 or something, so theyre getting greedy (that time actually the tutor allowed us to circle our own marks but I didnt, so he circled so low for me, which is kind of my fault) (today I ate lunch with some quiet groupmates and they said i need to be bold when these opportunities land, they circled themselves as 8) (maybe im just a bit stupid for giving up the chance lol ashdflkfsj but I actually didn't do that well, oh man I shouldve circled some 7s and that way the tutor cant give me 6)

bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lol like i think they deserve some 10s but not like this bro

lolll they jealous

I hope I don't get my marks downgraded, I need some marks to pull my terrible PBL

hmm also the girl that was equally late as me seemed to be crying after eval, nobody notices/ I pretend i didnt see it. (well if I were her I wouldnt want to draw attention to myself as well, if I have to count, out of 7 blocks in these two years I cried in 3 of the blocks LMAO so I am experienced) Shes equally quiet as me lol she also only talks once per tutorial (I think I talked less because I have a habit of not being the least talkative person, and this group this girl is reeeeallly quiet so I am reeeallly quiet too)

asdhksjfhdskjflhdf and also I think I cannot revise all the stuff for exam, I forgot everything in sem 1, I need to relearn all which is impossible, I can only pick some to learn, and my brain and energy quota per day is limited, so I need to be specific

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa but seems like a lot of people are saying the same (i think im the worst cuz i actually couldnt learn a single thing back then, idk how i managed to retain 40% for the exam (ik its a bad fail but imo it's a lot already) (like there's this fricking plastic wrap around my brain and the words just couldnt enter and get absorbed lmfao)

I slept more! Doesn't really work. It just maintains my health but doesn't improve my brain. And I just waste my time sleeping and not revising.

I have a lot to catch up since every word is distant to me, haha... I must not fail because I don't want to reexperience this year and the anatomy practicals again.

I deliberately skipped watching a few lectures, but today coincidentally my friend brought up she heard particularly content from those few lectures will be one of the key focus in the exam, cuz they analysed the pastpaper question patterns. Seems like I have to watch them sjkfdshfsdfj

dumbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

I realised some sample questions are deviations from cases in practicals so I technically couldnt skip revising any lecture nor practicals, gah

oh yeah and my academic advisor sent an email wishing me a superpass around 2 weeks ago lol, yeah, but idkhasdjkshhahahahah I didn't perform so well in PBL, I hope she's not upset or disappointed

---

also day before yesterday's last anat session, we had a mini ceremony putting a cloth with good words on the body. and i wanted to change my gloves before the ceremony because they were dirty and I found out they were broken. But I didn't change it in time. And they did the ceremony, so I didn't put my corner of the cloth properly and it was supposed to be solemn but i was just eeek slight panicking

so i felt a bit guilty for the body teacher

and then i prayed for his forgiveness while i was showering today morning,, :PPPPPPPP

---

i figured out writing diary is relaxing, so ill take my break by writing diary. Now I'll go back to work?

hmmm

ok i think starting from next session i need to stop sharing these because this is wasting a lot of time and we have a lot of "I think we need to talk about this" and "interesting let me know more" and dream diary things

I started to hypothesize ivan is scared of me because he doesnt look comfortable whenever I shared my stuff, and he ignored my goodbye today, but then I remembered we literally rode the shuttle bus together and chatted two days ago, so it was ok, and he was suggesting you added the sofa thing so that I wont see you wanting to cry LOL aaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha ahahahahaahhaahahahahaha ahahahahahah

so cute

hahahahahahahahahahaahah

ehheeheheheheehehehe

please continue

hahshahahahahaa i dont want to see u sad though

ahahahahahahah

hmm, I hope I am not famous within wellness team. This is a bit embarrassing, but 

forget about it im not going to share lol

yahooooo

seems i have a lot of support but I spend my time fangirling hahaahah ashkfhdsg

I think this is similar to how people shouldnt date in high school before an exam

i think it wasn't affecting me in secondary school despite I like the teachers a lot because i have no opportunity to get closer to them and they dont give shit lol

anyways ive been looking outside learning commons for like 20 minutes now and theres no sign of any of you guys and the girl at the table by the window is starting to notice why I kept looking outside so I should stop now lol

hmmmmmasdjksafdsfhkdsflh hope you guys arent scared hahaha

skipping classes... this is getting worse

 so last Fri I skipped the morning practical entirely, not just being late as always. And I realised skipping classes isn't that of a big deal, the world wouldn't end if I skipped a class. Actually no one would care if I was absent. Nobody knows I am absent.

so, I am skipping the morning practical today (Monday) too! AAAAAAAAAAAA not good.

Actually there was a time clash, I can either go for my last psyc lecture, and it was the most interesting one about clinical diagnoses (finally), or, I can go for a biochemistry practical which supposed to be rather interesting too (as we can do lab work) (wait I double checked, it's not experiment, oh lmao great, I'm not that upset now lmao).

And so, I technically skipped both at the same time!

I mean last psyc lecture, the lecturer said he was the social psychology side and he wouldn't really dive into clinical psy side, so yeahhhh I'm slightly not that sad either. And I preread the lecture slides for today, there isn't much "interesting new stuff" that I wanted to hear in person, so I wasn't really missing out on stuff I guess.

(though usually I can always hear some interesting new content even if it appears to be a boring class, so I am pretty sure I missed out on some potentially interesting stuff)

anyways yeah... I'm skipping classes and that's not good. Fortunately it is just the last teaching week of the year (I think), so if I really skipped a lot this week, the impact wouldn't be too big/ long term...?

or maybe I think my room is more comfy so I prefer to stay at home. Aircon, riolu, my room, computer, and my parents are nicer now???? or maybe I kept viewing them with tinted lens so it was my problem after all. fuckkkkk I don't want to admit it lol it was my problem, I created it, and I got upset by it, this sounds so stupid

also I am pretty upset when you said it's just puberty issue, it feels like you're minimizing my problem lol, but at the same time im pretty happy because that means my brain is not pathological...

BRO so annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!! They're at it again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told them I am skipping this practical !!!!!!!!!!! (and there's only one person out of 11 ppl that went to the practical) Now they are ersdfklhsdfkl;jdf gkl;jdfghjkgdfhjkl

now they are educating me that my groupmates just arent telling me they went! And they're gonna secretly practice without me knowing!

Bro the practical is about glycated hemoglobin, and my mom is just "diabetes is an important topic! you cannot miss it! They just aren't telling you!"

(ok my groupmate sent a pic, theyre actually doing lab work, it's literally just putting samples into a machine and calculating excel sheet like always). Bro it isn't clinical, it's actually not that important for us

but I'm too lazy to argue because skipping classes is wrong in nature lol

and my dad is talking about my groupmates have a poor attitude in studies because they are skipping (that means me too)

and my mum is angry because dad is talking at the same time as her, (actually not)

yesterday they already slightly argued because dad wanted to talk and mum kept starting to talk while he was talking. I was slightly scared in my room lol, I can hear them slightly angry even with my door closed

speaking of arguments, I think sometimes they argued when I was small, but they wont scold or scream, which is nice

so mum only yelled at me but not to my dad, I felt a bit unfair

okokok back to the non-pathological brain, but isn't a delayed rebellious phase means my brain is abnormal?? sigh

how long should a rebellious phase last, if I dont have a reason to be rebellious? For example now, I dont feel they are that bad anymore, so I slowly lost my reason to be rebellious. Also I realised I was more rebellious every time I went on school tours in secondary, in a way I ignore their phone calls. like F2 F3. hmmmmmmmm

----------

ALSOOOOOOOOOOO wahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha that doggo x sexual awareness event thingy back in march 14 !!!!!!!! bro it was my first day using my iPhone (not even wearing a case because that time the case hasnt arrived yet) AND I THINK live photo is SUCH AN AMAZING INVENTION so basically I was rewatching that random trivia video about wellness team (I wanted to see if she's a cat person or a dog person, turned out she was assigned another question), and I suddenly had the idea of going through my photos with the doggo because I wanna see if my live photos have captured anyone interesting. THEREEE SHE ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS lMAOOOOOOO I was so hyped lmao

Idk why I still keep on mistyping "she" with "he"

and I felt incredibly stupid because I watched the trivia videos before, and clearly shes a "she" not a "he" but I still managed to see her as a "he"

asjdhasjkd

set keyframe is a good function

WOOOOOOFFFFFFF!!! (pun intended)

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa wahahhahaha

OK and this morning I sort of understood why ivan find me annoying (I think) (I am probably concluding things incorrectly again lmao)

because I kept bombarding him with so many messages especially before every wellness team event

so so so many messages (im not gonna paste here bruh slightly embarrasing) (I can let you see in person) (lol)

eeeeeeeeeeeeekkk I assumed he was okay with it because that's how I usually spam posts in my private and to close friends back in secondary lol

also even though I said I would ignore him, I was the one who started dming him again LOL I was just reminding him there's a notice the singer event swapped venues. Ok that doesn't count >:o

I remembered you commented something about I wanted closeness maybe hes not. I was slightly shocked because I thought I don't want closeness, it was him! He kept finding new boyfriends. Which to me I think he looks a bit desperate. lol. He's on a quest to find another one now. I remember one time during lunch he told me his boyfriend (ex now) was (in a very quiet voice): “有啲短 頂唔盡”. His face was so red lmao and he asked is that what I wanted to hear, I said yeah haha

i feel kinda bad I kept sharing intel about him and "betraying" him, because during my convo with him, it sounds like he never shared stuff about me to you (although he never told me I couldn't tell you, he didn't say I can either) (but I didn't tell others other than you, and I think you can't possibly share to others anyways yahhahaahahahaahahahahah)

I didn't dare to tell him how much I have exposed lol

wahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

oh crap i was off topic again, ok maybe I want closeness. You said I want closeness but I am scared of people. I wanted to say "thats why I have dolls !!" but I thought to myself, dolls arent responsive so maybe I am not close to my dolls... but all the dolls I bought have meaning, theyre either my favourite game character or idk, I made a meaning for it. Like riolu. My favourite ones were never those "original random design" type.

I can stay in my room all day all night if I have this doll lol... (not just for masturbating ofc) (ok youre definitely not touching it again)

also quick update on the plant. wilted part continued to be wilted, I suspect it was because I accidentally bent the vine a bit, so it's like you deliberately bent straight plastic straws and the water cant pass  through. That part is dead now. On the other hand, the drooping part of the vine became normal again!! The leaves are flat now. It was probably because I overwatered it after that underwatering.

And I realised the soil was moldy! and the stem is slightly furry, that means the mold is slowly climbing up. Probably because of that overwatering. gahhhhh

So i bought cinnamon powder cuz it was supposed to be a natural mold killer.

After a few days I am supposed to buy some new soil and cover the cinammon. Or if it was really bad, I can just repot it with new soil. I need to repot sooner or later anyways. The vine is too long for the small pot.

I was also looking up succulents. Some are really cute. But apparently I need to wait till I finish treating the mold situation, or else it may spread to the succulents.

I think the mold got worse because I opened the door previously. Aaaaaaa that means I am breathing in mold too. Ewwwwwwwww unhealthy. I dont want mold in lungs. But they are not treating their room nor living room, and the corridor too. I mean my mum has attempted to treat it, but bro it doesn't work at all and she used up the whole bottle of mold killer thing. She said she would rebuy it around two weeks ago but still hasnt. Kind of stupid,,,,,, because previously we were treating those tiny bugs on the wooden floor. I invented using those lint roller paper and stick it (while leaving a tiny bit of room for them to come out of the cracks) onto the floor, and it works so so so well, the situation was way better than before. But when I taught her repeatedly, she just couldn't grasp the gist of the technique. I am pretty sure I am a good teacher. So yeah!!!!! She doesn't really try to understand by heart. And she left a bunch of sticker marks on the ground. Which turns black when we walked on it and dirtied the sticky patch.

I mean I could've avoided it or just do it by myself, but it just feels bad when no one else wants to help you on making the house cleaner. She kept asking me to teach her, but I did like 5 times, she should understand by then... and she's supposed to be the housewife and she likes to scold by telling me she took care of the home. Maybe I am just picky but it could be better. Or maybe she's genuinely stupid and she needs actual help from me but I'm ignoring her. But that's impossible, because she's not stupid. She bragged about being top in form for mathematics back in high school lol and she bragged her school is good and there are a lot of famous people in her form and she knows them all.

----

wooooffff!!! woof woof ruth ruth

ok thats it im heading back to studying and I'll go practical in the afternoon, bruh it was the pbl prof guy again (the one I skipped on fri)

dreamy

 sometimes I feel like I am one of those characters in the game, where you are not allowed to trespass the world boundaries. Think Minecraft, Genshin Impact, Roblox, those kind of sandbox-esque games. Feels like you are allowed to do anything (most of the things). It felt free. But once you try to step out of the world limit, the game punishes you. They either prohibit you or you receive damage.

still ok

 a bit sad on Saturday because I didn't water my plant for like 1.5 weeks and it was so dry, two leaves fell off. I felt like a sinner for murdering my plant (it is not dead yet, just dying) (still green) (dry and crispy and smells exactly like the leaf in tempura) (maybe most leaves smell similar when dried, idk lol)

to combat the very sad mood, I watched chiikawa episodes I have saved up for the past two months.

Sunday was better, I secretly cooked my own breakfast while my parents went 拜山 (I felt quite guilty as I overslept and I already didn't attend a relative's funeral previously). Anyways yeeeeeee it's my first time cooking something at home. (We did cook with IH stoves during secondary school home economics class but I haven't tried cooking at home + it's the gas, real fire type of stove + I cook by myself)

It's just a fried egg and also heated a toast with butter. Niiiiceeeeee

Simple but I am proud of it :))

These few days I have been rescuing my plant. Now some leaves are overwatered yet some leaves are still dry (a bit wetter than before). Weird. I'll keep observing it. When it gets better I will get some soil and maybe a slightly bigger pot. Because apparently the soil gets used up?? and I can literally see the roots sticking out. I googled and it says it is being limited by the small pot. And it couldn't hold water effectively if it has little soil.

I still studied, but only like 2 lectures per day. Compared to day one when I revised 5-6 lectures. Also to my pleasant surprise, the stuff I revised are retained in my brain after sleeping. Just like secondary school.

I began to question if it was really my own problem and issue with my perception. Cuz my mum and dad seem normal. (Well they are trying so many methods to "encourage" me to keep my door open. E.g. they closed my window saying there would be bugs coming in, so I need to open my door to allow the fresh cool air from their room's air-con to ventilate my room)

I was so so so confused these few days.

Turns out I am still correct LMAO

Yesterday midnight I was drawing. I was planning to draw for a while and then I'll go to sleep. I accidentally drew until 4am (I looked at the clock once and it was 1am, so I continued, and I didn't expect it to be 4am lmao). I didn't close my door for the ^ air-con reason. I heard a footstep. I expected my mum to arrive in 2 seconds. I mentally prepared myself.

But she arrived in 1 second! So 1 second earlier than I expected, and she was peeking inside the door instead of by the door, aka she was closer than I expected. And she suddenly yelled at me for not sleeping. I was shocked so I also slightly 哇！

YEah! So I was not tripping. The problems are still here.

Ngl I was kinda happy albeit shocked, because her sudden appearance makes me more certain that I am not remembering things incorrectly / overreacting before, and it was actually that bad.

(wow Mom's calling, it's just 8pm haha) (maybe because I went home early yesterday at like 7pm, and they were standing in the living room doing all sorts of weird "歡迎歡迎，熱烈歡迎" welcome home stuff, they say it is like welcoming soldiers back home,,, "紅衛兵" tf) Bro this is so weird I-

(oh apparently they cleaned the aircon in my room, so I get a functional aircon now!) (?? that means I can close my door?)

Anyways

immmmm savingggggg moneyyyyy

I decided to eat more dinner if I can at home, this way I can save money. And I can eat less for lunch at school/ other places. (Also being on time for shuttle bus saves like $5-10 per day. Speaking of on time, I was only late for psyc for 10 minutes! And med lectures for around 30 min. Compared to one hour before. I am trying. Although it looks like I'm not...)

Recently there was a deliveroo offer of 50% off Mos Burger pick-up. So for the last two weeks they have been buying Mos Burger. I grew tired of it. And especially when I got the coupons from McDonald's in which I just need to pay $20 for a set meal (they don't know). So many hamburgers I wanna cry lol (jk i wont cry), reminded me of the time back in Year 1, when Ivan kept urging our group to eat Subway every single day and we're like nah,, but we were too naive/ kind to reject him. Lmao. Anyways now he mentions less Subway so it is better. (I remembered back in Y1 Sept everyone instantly knows him because he used to be super active in our year whatsapp group with that very unique nickname, + being a Subway fan, eating Subway very frequently and posting paragraphs about Subway (and other deep stuff that I don't understand) lmao

noooooooooooooooooooooooo I don't want any more bread

I like bread but this is too much

I notified him about a singer he likes is coming to hku for an event or something, and told him to sign up lol, I hope he doesn't dislike me that much

I think I was a bit sensitive mainly because of the frowning emoji lol

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa anyways yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Idk why I am not hyper. But I don't think I suddenly recovered??

Also today there was a time clash between a practical and the psyc midterm paper review session. There were two timeslots available for the practical. I planned to go for the alternate time slot, but realised I knew no one there + all the people I dislike are at that timeslot/ in that half of the cohort, which means I have no tables to attach to (tables are according to groups and technically I am not in that half so there's no table for my group). Plus I was kind of scared to go alone because the prof would be there.

So I ditched the paper review and went for the practical in the original timeslot. The syllabus for the final exam doesn't cover the midterm ones anyways. Just sucks because I want to know what I got wrong for one of the essays, I only got like 50% for that essay meanwhile all other parts were pretty good)

So in the practical I met a new friend :D It was my groupmate's friend who was attaching at our table.

Pretty easygoing (I checked her insta she was super religious ok lolll)

anyways new friend!

I think I need to know more people in our year. Bro I have so few friends (so I was slightly upset ivan tell me to find my friends to eat because i think he knows I don't have that many friends as compared to him loljaskfldsfhsjk I think I am a bit 小氣 aaaaaaaaa it's just a tiny thing bro I am a rather shitty person hahahah) (but it's my fault for eating too frequently with him)

i believe we are still very good friends (at least I think so), but this is how I generally push away good friends once they accumulate enough "tiny stuff" like this and I get annoyed, and then after a while I forgot about these and I will go closer to these friends again. So maybe thats why some may think I am 忽冷忽熱. (because they dont know i am mad lol, I just stayed away). Very bad. Need to change

normal

 Feeling very normal today, not excited but not sad at all, as if I am back to normal. Mind is very quiet, so I just studied at home. (today is the only weekday in this month without lectures) My family didn't agitate me. There was a few moments where if I were my excited self from last week, I would've yelled and be frustrated again, but I didn't feel it today. (Perhaps it's my fault after all)

so tired all of a sudden, it's not even 2am, Maybe I'll sleep

I had been sleeping so little in the past week (like 2-3 hours) I almost fell asleep three times during lectures (I rarely sleep during lectures, it's something I find important) So yeah, I must be very tired. I also trained myself to "fall asleep" with eyes open? So when I snap back to reality I am still "looking" at the powerpoint slides, and no one really knows I slept. (wow, maybe this leads to my eyestrain)

had some dreams in the last few days, but they're hard to recall, and they don't have people we know inside, so I didn't bother to try to remember them. So they're lost now. But it's fine, more will come in the future anyways.

Such a quiet mind. Not sure how long would it last for, but good night for now.

Hmm. Yesterday (Thursday) I was slightly slightly angry because Ivan messaged me to tell me to find my other friends. And I was also kind of guilty because I have been spam messaging him for one week straight whenever I got excited. I shared fun stuff during practical that day when I saw him. And he told me I already told him about the thing via message the night before. But I had no recollection of it. I thought I only told Charlotte about it.

I was slightly angry because he could've phrased it better. But I am not mad because I understand what he meant and it's not like he's abandoning me. He was explaining he can't have lunch with me because he would be having lunch with his other friends. (I actually didn't ask him to have lunch that day either, but maybe he thought it would be better to tell me about it)

I'd prefer him to just tell me he's having lunch with others lol (or if he wants he can add the original sentence in after that), or just simply don't message me because there is no need to explain to me?

Anyways after ending that convo I didn't initiate any messages wit him anymore lol, but he later sends stuff like instagram reels to me as usual, so I just resumed interacting with him lol

(He most likely didn't sense a difference though, because it all happens within the same day/ 2 days) (maybe I'm just slightly dramatic in my head)

So yeah, embarrassed and guilty

Also chatted with another PBL mate. Turns out she also failed. But she didn't fail overall. Just one section of the exam.

(Maybe our group PBL isn't that great. But I wasn't alone. Kind of.)

I am failing...

fuck im getting emo aaaaaaaaaaaa good night I should stop thinking about it

(I was revising Normally and I revised like 6 lectures. Not much but not little either) (Bro there's this dude revising 15 lectures every day)

Anyways peaceful mind. (But turning a bit sad, oh noooooooooooooooo that means I am getting unproductive) (and then next therapy I probably will have recovered from my emo and I am ok again) (but actually idk, it depends every day, I can't really predict and schedule the therapy around my emotions) (it's like farming, I am a farmer praying for rain or shine or idk, cloudy??) 

Sleepy! I am going to sleep after uploading this.

Also my AI thing, turns out it's giving me 20usd not 10 lol, so I am rather motivated to earn and save money now. Also saving for dorms if my family don't want to financially support me in the worst case scenario.

mmmmmmm

ok some interesting events going on, didn't have much to share

so this is a TLDR

friday - random scammer wants to commission my art for $300 usd and gave me a very fake paypal error email, I kind of trolled him and he blocked me, lmao; and then watched and finished an anime series, sobbed to sleep (wrote an unnecessarily long diary entry, but I don't want to delete it, so I pasted it below the horizontal line)

saturday - woke up with $10 usd more, turns out someone subscribed to my Poe AI thing and Quora will be giving me $10 monthly as long as the guy kept subscribing. Holy shit then if everyone subscribe then I will have a nice monthly income, wow.

and I got more motivated and signed up for a bunch of do survey earn money thing

also read a lot of adulting tips on reddit e.g. moving in, buying groceries and cooking food

also spent 1 rmb online to ask doctor about my painful eye - turned out it's just eye strain, has nothing to deal with the fall

sunday - I forgot what I did, didn't revise again. oh! was playing with my toy and suddenly saw a lot of blood, lol m come. So I was horny just because of my hormonal fluctuation hahaha

monday - I was quite sad before leaving home. I was wiping in the toilet for a slightly longer time than usual (because m come u need to wipe the blood at the front), and my ma was telling me dont wipe my ass for so long, which means she was monitoring me (i didnt shut the toilet door, I just closed without locking with the "click" sound), so I was quite annoyed and sad. Late for psyc lecture for an hour. Got better later. In the evening Ivan dmed me a voice message with a fun tone he saw Arthur and Ruth heading to bus stop at 6:01pm, hahhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and then I got (very) excited lol (see, this is kind of what happened back in secondary school, my classmates would send me "latest news" like this, and yeahhhhhh I'll get super excited, but I ofc won't tell the teacher lmfao, or else they would be creeped out lmaoooo) 

lmAOOO

ok

and then at night I was checking my art acc and found this artist I wanted to commission back in ~ Oct has finally opened a message box function, so I asked about it (and she accepted my request despite she doesn't draw that style anymore :D) (and didn't raise price, still remain 15 rmb lolllll very affordable) and I got my drawing. very happy

tuesday (today) - tutorial presentation, charlotte gave me a call, I messaged her I finished my part (since she handed the work for me to finish up last night but I only have energy at 4am after taking a nap; I forgot why I was tired and unmotivated). She explained it was a wake up morning call

lollll so nice, she was worried I am going to wake up late for presentation again, but it would be fine cuz it's gonna be zoom

then lunch I went back to med campus to eat with ivan, and then wEnT tO LEARNING COMMONS TO SEE RUTH BUT SHE WASN'T THERE SO SAD lol

bro lmao I was super hyped up on monday about today's idk what event, maybe we're too late HAHHA at first only saw the receptionist mofusand guy (too bad I still couldn't remember his name, something Er), but later Vinci arrived too

wwwwwwww and got new tips about choosing residential halls (village III) from PBL friends

I have planned !! If everything goes fine and I pass,

next yr sem 1, minor (if I successfully reg all required courses), live village III, and then perhaps sign up for doing part time research assistant thing to earn some money; if still have time (maybe unlikely) I can also do a mental health first aid thing

and decided I should apply for single rooms instead of double, although more expensive, it would be a rare opportunity for me to finally have a "me space"

oh also these few days they are literally tidying my room SO MUCH - they refolded my clothes to put in giant bags (IDK WHY bro it was already categorised and folded), readjusted my bed, so essentially everything is "tidied" (aka inspected/ gone through)

they also found some hidden room in the shelf next to the bed, I only used it to put my anime accessories so it's fine

I THINK THEYRE PRETTY DETERMINED TO FIND MY TOY

also this week i come home, one day was like I washed your bedsheets because there's a smell, idk what smell it is (mom sounded genuinely confused to me though????? or was she faking it)

and then dad after a few days was like i tidied all your plush toys, it's been a long time since they're washed, do you want to wash them? (to be fair I dont wash my plush toys, so maybe it is really a coincidence, but just riolu has a smell) (brooooooooooooooo IDK) (i dont think they're that dumb) (they made me after all) (bro) (aaaaaaaaaa) (noooo) (fuck) (hahaha) (and after all these years I have never found out anything about their sex life???? i genuinely thought they stopped doing that, but seems humans are unlikely to stop that entirely, so maybe they're masters at hiding shit too) (oh my god)

(I want to reply yes but later he started to do other stuff instead so I didnt say so) (aaaaaaaa I want to wash)

and kind of creeped me out since these few days I've been wanting to wash it, but they seem to know what I am thinking

and very often dad & mom, or dad & I share the exact same thoughts like within 5 seconds, idk what's happening, oh my god telepathy

hopefully it's just coincidence and thinking habits that has built up in common within the family

ivan and charlotte has asked me whether they installed cams in my room, I had this question in my head a long time ago, but seems still don't have cam, so yeah. They have good ears though!! No need cam, just listen outside door would suffice (e.g. I sneezed at 3am/ moved my chair a bit/ accidentally hit something hard/ dropped my phone on the floor and made a noise, so the next day mom will educate me on why I am not sleeping for the whole night) (yo she's not sleeping either)

also knew why sometimes the bedroom door is open. When the front door is slammed shut (e.g. when dad went out to buy breakfast), my door, if shut but unlocked, will automatically sprang open!! Seems like some air pressure or unstable door latch issue. It was unsettling. But sometimes I don't want to actually lock. Or else I will be late for class if my alarms fail. (I will try to sleep less deeply and listen for the alarm) (I need to learn this skill before sleeping alone in dorm anyways)

also mom mentioned that again!! because I told her not to stare at me while I was wearing socks. She replied pedestrian also can look at me why can't parents look at me, do u have psychological problem.

I want to reply pedestrian won't stand there just to stare at me lol, but it would be a waste of time and she will reply more and it would be more annoying, so I didn't

(I think this topic is getting more brought up, I don't like it) (I hope they don't know I have psychological problem, if any)

anyways heres the pasted diary

this is fairly interesting

 Last night after returning home, Dad presented with his 大計: swapping my room with their room

He did some measurements and stuff and was talking about how we can reorganise different furniture in my new room (i.e. their room) (e.g. Bed, table)

They kept reassuring me with sentences like

I will have more private space and I have my aircon too

The air is fresher in their room

I will have a bigger longer table and it can adjust height too

I will have a wardrobe too

And kept saying no need to worry about them, and they won't intrude in my room too

Reassuring I can change anything I want.

My own thoughts:

Their room has a fixed giant wardrobe, so they definitely will come in to use the wardrobe)

Idk why they know I am a bit upset because I don't have aircon (the outflow is blocked by random stuff on the upper "bunk bed" (I meant to write it in the diary alongside I don't have a chair, but I just forgot, and I kept ranting I don't have a chair because I sort of know there's another thing I was missing which is aircon)

And we went to look at their room, I asked how about the 床頭板? (Cuz they planned the new bed would be rotated so I don't need the board thing)

And they suddenly both said NO! 

My mum said: it was customised by dad! While Dad said: other than that and the wardrobe, you can change anything else.

(Bro you don't say)

Also I was actually kinda pissed because I cleaned all the mould at my room, I vacuum every week, my room is clean, despite there's a lot of stuff. It used to be the room with the most dust as it was unused for a decade and I can literally smell and inhale the dust for the first half year I moved into the room

And now, I fixed it into my little wonderland, and you want me to swap into your super messy and mouldy room?????????????

And literally every time I enter their room I can immediately feel the air is not fresh, despite them having an aircon. It was the physically-not-deep-cleaned for many years type of air, which is worse than my despite-kept-masturbating-but-I-cycle-my-air type of air

Although IK both are gross af but bro, I'd rather smell my own smell than to inhale some unknown unhygienic air (I don't think they cleaned the wardrobe... really... after we moved in many years ago + Dad's breath while sleeping is really bad, I think the smell filled up the room)

bro

Also I feel bad for bringing riolu so maybe One day I will properly wash it first LMFAO sorry

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ANYWays aagufidhskjdshfk

also after Dad kept explaining his ideas, Mum suddenly said Oh I have a good idea!! Come to the room and I'll show you!! Dad was like I measured everything on the notebook we can just discuss using it (he made proportional memo slips for different furniture sizes)

Anyways we entered the room, and Mum was basically sharing her "original idea", which is identical to what Dad had literally said during his sharing! Dad was like "That's what I just said!" Mum was quite annoyed, like, "I haven't finished, let me finish talking????" Dad was like "??? That's what I---"

And after Mum finished talking, Dad replied again, "That's what I have talked about!" Mum said, "It's a good idea, isn't it!"

???????????????????????????????????????????

(above convo in cantonese)

BRO so weird

anyways I couldn't reply Dad about my decisions, and Mum told Dad, let her think about it for a few days! On Thursday after having lunch we can go window shopping in furniture shops for ideas, and choose a chair she wants

(Bro)

bro bro bro I just came home from library that night and this has happened (can't imagine what it would be like when I am abroad next year)

(all because I wanted a chair, and they decided to do all this??????????

and the adjustable table was my wish from a few years ago. Now I already forfeited the wish as I realised I won't stand in the middle of work anyways. You guys are too late. And you guys KNOW what I WANT ALL THE TIME BUT JUST NEVER MENTIONED NOR FULFILLED IT

And I mentioned multiple times during yesterday I wanted a deeper table (more width)(monitor, laptop, ipad, physical papers), not a longer table, but seems they couldn't catch what I was saying and Kept saying I will have a longer table

I dont need a longer table

The air is fresher in my room

I am already accustomed to living in my room, I transformed it into my little space.

I already didn't mind using the tilted table. I'm used to it anyways.

I just need a proper comfy chair. And get rid of the old af wooden stools my dad was reluctant to discard (stools age are older than me). Remove the failing office chair (also age older than me). Remove piano from room. Add a shelf, like those ikea or muji 田田 those squareish rectangle shelf. And I can put everything inside, like clothes, other hobbyist items etc, DONE. TIDY.

They knew what I wanted all these years.

Finally, I returned to my own room. They say, our room have aircon. The air is fresher if you opened your door. Can you please open your door?

I KNEW IT, they just want me to open my door

(if I swap my room, they're thinking of reinstalling an aircon in my current pink room)(Mum (and I) thought not feasible although Dad said can)

And they wouldn't have aircon in pink room at the mean time. So if I close my door in new room, it would be "cruel" and "no filial piety" because I am not sharing my cold air with them.

---

these few days I was looking at the voluntary residence in RMS and PMR for next sem1. Seems RMS rooms are bigger than my room lmfao

and ivan also said I can "late come" to their residential halls too, just to live for the final few weeks, I think it's too much of a hassle so nah

---

bruh

this house too weird and many things are fixed and poorly designed. I'd rather wait a few more years until I can have a sustainable income and then rent a flat, and save money to buy my own flat

so stupid

Dad want to reuse the design of long table overlapping bed in the new room, which is so damn stupid, It sounded not as bad on paper BUt really, It is that bad, he's not the user so he doesn't understand

also he was talking about how he made my bed higher as I was younger back then. I asked, if I'm younger shouldn't you be making the bed lower instead?

He couldn't answer,, My mum was winking and smiling at him (because she agreed with me) (in a way like she's also anticipating his answer because this whole thing is funny i guess)

so damn stupid

I'm not giving up my 極樂淨土 >:(

--------------------

kept writing diary these few days. Bombarding you with so much stuff lmao

:PPPPP

----

 oh today morning mum was looking at me wearing socks.

I said dont look at me

she asked me again 你係咪有啲心理問題？？

HURBISHDASKFJLANSK bruh

——

Was sitting near the harbour rn after the dinner bday gathering with secondary school squad (yeep they changed it to today)

Had a shower thought this morning

Ok so I gained the ability to daydream in class in primary 2 and I autodaydream every english class in particular (classmistress). I can daydream right after greeting good morning teacher until it’s time to stand up for Goodbye teacher and time just flew by in the middle and idk what I learnt

Maybe it’s too boring, idk, but not sure how to differentiate between daydreaming and dissociating lol

And the teacher thought I were the most attentive student in class because I looked at the blackboard without moving for the entire time during every class

—

Second thing, I lost my fav pencil case in primary 4, my neighbour stole it and hid it in the locker

After suspecting it’s most likely my neighbour, but she didn’t admit, so after half a month I finally told the primary 4 classmistress about it.

And the next day she educated the class and that noon my neighbour returned it to me.

However after I told my mum about this, she was angry at me. Because I alerted the teacher, and I shouldn’t be the odd one out.

Also I kinda like my primary 4 teacher back then too. And during showering I realised she resembled my secondary 4 classmistress. The kinda cool short - medium hair type but girl.

Oh.. like Ruth.

Ok i left the harbour, fuck mosquitoes, so lun itchy aaaaaaa

bro

 bro I fell down today again

I didn't realise the skirt?/dress was kinda long and the circumference was kinda small, I couldn't walk with big steps

I was walking off the bus at qmh

and just 仆街 literally, lmfao one of my shoe even flew away, a few passengers helped me fetch my shoe
the man in front of me (i literally lie on ground lmfao) asked if I'm alright, I'm like yes yes thank you

one palm slightly scratched, other hand cuz I was holding my phone with the kuromi plush (I transplanted kuromi onto my new phone), my hand was perfectly fine but kuromi is grey now

one side of my forehead also kinda warm, maybe I scratched it but I don't feel a difference on my skin

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

bruh

hahaha

------------------- afternoon ---

aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

anatomy vr practical

it's that man again

and today teach penis and vagina

bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

:((

can't learn that lecture

should've finished the last 10 mins before going, took like 40 mins to finish watching the last 10 mins

seems my groupmates and friends are looking out for me though, they tried to stick around with me although they didn't mention anything

(e.g. nice voice boy+gf & rhythm game chinok from new pbl; ivan and 3-day-give-up boy from original pbl)

---  another thing

(also i swapped from sitting from at the back of the lecture hall to middle of the lecture hall this morning for lecture, (because there are two profs at the back doing prof teaching peer review), and the 3-day boy chose to sit next to me, and then later his gf came and ask him why he sit here, and he explained with my explanation aka there are two profs at the back

(bro idm him coming to sit next to me, I am kinda grateful, but bro I think it's kinda weird when you have a gf

I hope the gf won't get angry at me or something, lol

Not my fault if she's angry, that means she's not confident enough lol... but so much drama

anyways

baddddddddddddd

ivan said he looked at me a few times and I looked okay so he didn't ask if I want to early leave

I said I am not quite okay though but I won't early leave, but I can't concentrate lol, so I learnt nothing

(now still fairly fine

maybe before sleep not great lmao, but yg ok geh)

(oh also had lunch w Ivan and talked interesting stuff)

he also pointed out my glasses were tilted, probably from the fall,

i tried to adjust the nose supporting thing

Another thing, yesterday night I was thinking I should redact my sentence about wanting to fuck people, I think if it's real I don't want it and will cry lol

Hmm but today lunch I talked about that and part of me was like fuck yeah the other bigger part was like no I'm not that comfortable with the idea irl lol

AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Dislike today's lab session

Also found a new sanctuary yesterday night, it was the mcdonalds at hung hom mtr station, basically many seats in the open 2nd floor area just like a food court, and a lot of 'bar' tables with usb stations for each seat, perfect for loners like me lol

and I think it closes at midnight or something

great

------------- evening ---

ivan had dinner with me too

lmao hands are a bit shaky while we were eating hahahahhhhhhhahah

hm legs were shaky back in the lab too lol

ahhhhhh still quite touched since most people that I talked to showed up for the lab thing ... and all sit at my table,,, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

wuwuwuwuwuwu wanna cry

FUck

 今天終於洗澡和洗頭了。而且還幫藤蔓澆水了，拖了幾天。

洗完澡出來我沒有準備睡衣是我問題。但爸爸又在看著我。像媽媽以前看我一樣。不過我有穿內衣。（如果我沒穿內衣，爸爸不會看。這一方面爸爸好過媽媽。）反正有點反感。於是進了房間關了門穿睡衣。

然後我去拿藤蔓去廁所洗手盆澆水。澆水的時候爸爸在門口看我澆水。我承認我有點敏感了，我叫他不要看。爸爸說：“澆水都不能看？？你是不是有點心理問題。”

過了一會兒他們出門了。我跟他們說我遲一點也會出門。媽媽說去哪裡？？？我說圖書館。她問港大還是理大？？？（我不知道是我敏感還是怎麼樣，我沒有回答她。）

我在吃早餐的時候（yes下午四點吃早餐，和喝第一口水。。我不渴），他們回來了。

這麼快？我心想。

媽媽問，你不去圖書館了？太晚了吧。

我吃完後便進房換衣服。然後我出客廳。臨走時媽媽又問，我有件事想問問你，你近來好像有點反常，爸爸媽媽很擔心，你是不是有點精神問題，我們一定會幫助你。

我：吓

然後我出門快要關門的時候她不讓我關門，因為她要說最後一句，考試之前千萬不能出問題！

然後我走了。

路上越想越生氣。

Fuck you 現在才覺得我有問題，太遲了！！！！！！！！！！！

朝夕相對而且天天來“看”我，但你們竟然什麼都沒感覺到！！！！！

而且出問題有一大部分是你們的原因！！！

我覺得我如果有問題，他們有更大的問題。

他們應該去看看醫生。

不過他們如此頑固，是不會承認，也不會覺得自己有問題。

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

反正我這幾天一直在家中廢廢。今天一定要出來因為要prep明天的PBL！！！！

另外在路上也在想！！！！！我的生日禮物我想要一張凳子！！！！！！！還沒有！！！！！我去年給媽媽的criteria是電腦凳/人體工學、不要無印那張。

結果每次我說我要凳子，她就說那就無印那張！！！我說我說過就不要那一張！！她就問那你要什麼！！！我說其他的！！！！

然後當時爸爸畫餅說他會帶我去看凳子。結果還沒！！！！！！！！！

四月了！！！！！！！！！！

另外昨天在淘寶買了電腦屏幕臂和桌墊。感覺買完沒有那種刺激的感覺。可能因為是必需品，而不是“想要”的東西，哈哈，希望快點到，那我就可以組裝了。已經放在購物車一年了，感覺還是不買不行。要騰出多一點桌面空間。

啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊

好煩！！！！！

原本昨晚還在想，是不是我被寵壞了，我有吃的有喝的竟然這樣。是不是我太兇了，感覺我的錄音我有點生氣。但是今天我確實很生氣他們過了這麼久才覺得我精神有問題！而且是因為我不讓爸爸看我在廁所！！（雖然只是澆水）

唉！！！！！！！！！！！

哈哈哈哈，氣笑了。不可理喻。

而且現在天天家裡多了個人，真的有點“太熱鬧”。。。不過這樣的好處是媽媽不會每時每刻都來查崗。

退休變廢廢，躺在床上看youtube。

hmm我在想如果真的根據自己的步伐而生活/工作，那究竟我是在偷偷讓自己偷懶嗎？我覺得如果follow my heart那應該是天天躺平。這樣我不用工作了。廢廢直到老死。

而且at the back of my mind一直在想，我去心理咨詢是因為我想為自己的“懶”和“成績差”找個藉口嗎？感覺自己在cheating。但又感覺我的確需要心理咨詢。

哇，我在想會不會有一天爸媽拖著我去看精神科，，，，我靠

如果有那麼一天，希望那個醫生能夠反客為主先治治他們吧，但是藥物不能改變他們吧。好像什麼都不能改變他們。

好奇怪的人！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

（哈哈我在想如果要fuck the world 的話，但是你 ivan charlotte 就是my world，所以不能fuck。

ohhhhhhhhh！！！！！！！！！wait。可以fuck，哈哈哈哈哈哈哈！！！！！）（hmm要不要加ruth，但我又不認識她。不過也可以fuck）（我靠我不太檢點）（wow我已經想象到她會怎麼樣回應我炸裂的想法。又是那種眼神！有點酷酷的在分析但略有興致為什麼我會這麼想但又有點冷漠而且直接看著我的眼神！看多幾秒我又開始有點不安hhhhhhhh直接看著眼睛，，有點太直接，，哈哈哈）

ok我要開始準備我的pbl不能無止境地打下去！！！