mmmmmmm

ok some interesting events going on, didn't have much to share

so this is a TLDR

friday - random scammer wants to commission my art for $300 usd and gave me a very fake paypal error email, I kind of trolled him and he blocked me, lmao; and then watched and finished an anime series, sobbed to sleep (wrote an unnecessarily long diary entry, but I don't want to delete it, so I pasted it below the horizontal line)

saturday - woke up with $10 usd more, turns out someone subscribed to my Poe AI thing and Quora will be giving me $10 monthly as long as the guy kept subscribing. Holy shit then if everyone subscribe then I will have a nice monthly income, wow.

and I got more motivated and signed up for a bunch of do survey earn money thing

also read a lot of adulting tips on reddit e.g. moving in, buying groceries and cooking food

also spent 1 rmb online to ask doctor about my painful eye - turned out it's just eye strain, has nothing to deal with the fall

sunday - I forgot what I did, didn't revise again. oh! was playing with my toy and suddenly saw a lot of blood, lol m come. So I was horny just because of my hormonal fluctuation hahaha

monday - I was quite sad before leaving home. I was wiping in the toilet for a slightly longer time than usual (because m come u need to wipe the blood at the front), and my ma was telling me dont wipe my ass for so long, which means she was monitoring me (i didnt shut the toilet door, I just closed without locking with the "click" sound), so I was quite annoyed and sad. Late for psyc lecture for an hour. Got better later. In the evening Ivan dmed me a voice message with a fun tone he saw Arthur and Ruth heading to bus stop at 6:01pm, hahhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and then I got (very) excited lol (see, this is kind of what happened back in secondary school, my classmates would send me "latest news" like this, and yeahhhhhh I'll get super excited, but I ofc won't tell the teacher lmfao, or else they would be creeped out lmaoooo) 

lmAOOO

ok

and then at night I was checking my art acc and found this artist I wanted to commission back in ~ Oct has finally opened a message box function, so I asked about it (and she accepted my request despite she doesn't draw that style anymore :D) (and didn't raise price, still remain 15 rmb lolllll very affordable) and I got my drawing. very happy

tuesday (today) - tutorial presentation, charlotte gave me a call, I messaged her I finished my part (since she handed the work for me to finish up last night but I only have energy at 4am after taking a nap; I forgot why I was tired and unmotivated). She explained it was a wake up morning call

lollll so nice, she was worried I am going to wake up late for presentation again, but it would be fine cuz it's gonna be zoom

then lunch I went back to med campus to eat with ivan, and then wEnT tO LEARNING COMMONS TO SEE RUTH BUT SHE WASN'T THERE SO SAD lol

bro lmao I was super hyped up on monday about today's idk what event, maybe we're too late HAHHA at first only saw the receptionist mofusand guy (too bad I still couldn't remember his name, something Er), but later Vinci arrived too

wwwwwwww and got new tips about choosing residential halls (village III) from PBL friends

I have planned !! If everything goes fine and I pass,

next yr sem 1, minor (if I successfully reg all required courses), live village III, and then perhaps sign up for doing part time research assistant thing to earn some money; if still have time (maybe unlikely) I can also do a mental health first aid thing

and decided I should apply for single rooms instead of double, although more expensive, it would be a rare opportunity for me to finally have a "me space"

oh also these few days they are literally tidying my room SO MUCH - they refolded my clothes to put in giant bags (IDK WHY bro it was already categorised and folded), readjusted my bed, so essentially everything is "tidied" (aka inspected/ gone through)

they also found some hidden room in the shelf next to the bed, I only used it to put my anime accessories so it's fine

I THINK THEYRE PRETTY DETERMINED TO FIND MY TOY

also this week i come home, one day was like I washed your bedsheets because there's a smell, idk what smell it is (mom sounded genuinely confused to me though????? or was she faking it)

and then dad after a few days was like i tidied all your plush toys, it's been a long time since they're washed, do you want to wash them? (to be fair I dont wash my plush toys, so maybe it is really a coincidence, but just riolu has a smell) (brooooooooooooooo IDK) (i dont think they're that dumb) (they made me after all) (bro) (aaaaaaaaaa) (noooo) (fuck) (hahaha) (and after all these years I have never found out anything about their sex life???? i genuinely thought they stopped doing that, but seems humans are unlikely to stop that entirely, so maybe they're masters at hiding shit too) (oh my god)

(I want to reply yes but later he started to do other stuff instead so I didnt say so) (aaaaaaaa I want to wash)

and kind of creeped me out since these few days I've been wanting to wash it, but they seem to know what I am thinking

and very often dad & mom, or dad & I share the exact same thoughts like within 5 seconds, idk what's happening, oh my god telepathy

hopefully it's just coincidence and thinking habits that has built up in common within the family

ivan and charlotte has asked me whether they installed cams in my room, I had this question in my head a long time ago, but seems still don't have cam, so yeah. They have good ears though!! No need cam, just listen outside door would suffice (e.g. I sneezed at 3am/ moved my chair a bit/ accidentally hit something hard/ dropped my phone on the floor and made a noise, so the next day mom will educate me on why I am not sleeping for the whole night) (yo she's not sleeping either)

also knew why sometimes the bedroom door is open. When the front door is slammed shut (e.g. when dad went out to buy breakfast), my door, if shut but unlocked, will automatically sprang open!! Seems like some air pressure or unstable door latch issue. It was unsettling. But sometimes I don't want to actually lock. Or else I will be late for class if my alarms fail. (I will try to sleep less deeply and listen for the alarm) (I need to learn this skill before sleeping alone in dorm anyways)

also mom mentioned that again!! because I told her not to stare at me while I was wearing socks. She replied pedestrian also can look at me why can't parents look at me, do u have psychological problem.

I want to reply pedestrian won't stand there just to stare at me lol, but it would be a waste of time and she will reply more and it would be more annoying, so I didn't

(I think this topic is getting more brought up, I don't like it) (I hope they don't know I have psychological problem, if any)

anyways heres the pasted diary

diary from Fri Apr 5

charlotte recommended me to watch Migi and Dali a couple of weeks ago, as she thought my family situation reminded her of this anime. And it only has 13 episodes so it is not that long.

so I watched all yesterday night until 6am

I liked the show, there are many plot twists and it was interesting to watch the main characters (identical twins) going on missions (to find the murderer of their biological mother) while maintaining their identity as one boy. Like a spy in front of their adopted family/ school/ in the entire village (note: this anime is completely different from spyxfamily, this one is way creepier lol)

after investigating the couple which adopted them and experiencing that all of the activities they organise for the twins are indeed innocent and well-minded, they became less wary of their own family.

and then they widen their investigation scope onto school, and they find a prestigious number one very popular boy's family very suspicious

(lmAO as i was typing i was jumpscared by my ma's normal knocking on the door, i literally 彈起) LMao aii too sensitive. It is just normal knocking to tell me food is ready lol...

turns out the mother of that family is a perfectionist, very controlling and has information on every single resident in their village, and do conditioning exercises for her fake children (she took from other mothers) when they are rebellious, like she will lock them in the basement and condition them to revert to newborn babies mental state and "start over"

so the children in the family either pretend very very well in order to avoid entering her conditioning program, or they entered and their memory is split (like sometimes if someone trigger them they will have flashbacks of their real memory, but the mother gaslight them they don't have such a memory; and then they will return to their conditioned state)

:pp the saddest part.. contains spoilers lol

the saddest part is after the number one boy's memory is awoken by the twins, he realised he indeed  murdered the twins' mother (his fake mother kept telling there was no such thing)

and remembered the twin's mother is actually his mother too, they were triplets, it's just that the fake mother snatched him away from the other two twins (but his face is different from the identical twins so they don't know)

and then he decided to die after killing the fake mother, as he thinks he needs to "atone for his sins", and he has nowhere to go and no real family to accept him

the twins tried very hard to save him, they persuaded him to come back so they can invite him to their family activities, like making and eating homemade cherry pie together, a recurrent motif in the anime

and he said "it is too sweet for him"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA

and then in the final few episodes the plot line kept swapping from the very warm happy family of adopted couple + twins, vs the fake scary highly stressful family

which made me quite upset, like im the 賣火柴的小女孩 yearning for warmth but I know technically irl I have such warmth in the family and I'm just a bit greedy

sad in a way i was slightly dizzy from breathing too much lmao

(maybe it's not 'sad', maybe I am shocked?? Scared? but idk why, so probably not those either)

and also these few days after falling down one of my eye is painful while blinking (i think it is related as the other eyelid has a red scratch if looked closely, although I'm not sure how I can injure my eye if I wear glasses) (technically I faceplanted, luckily I wore my mask so my chin is not bruised),

and sobbing made it worse lmao

I went online and used 1 rmb to see doctor and he replied it's eye strain cuz my eyes are red in both sides, not from the fall because there isn't a direct trauma

little pic using microsoft paint

:( also i realised i drew it nothing like ruth, i feel guilty

anyways yeah sobbed to sleep hahahashdjkhfdjkshfdkjghdfjk

yuhhhhh that's it, such a long diary although it's not even a week

haha instantly agreed to wed therapy last fri because i sort of know I kept talking other stuff

although bringing ivan over to waiting room was very fun, I think I couldn't remove this laughing filter if there isn't enough buffer alone time, and then the therapy convo will be very superficial lol, so I won't bring him anymore LOL how unfortunate

*posted on Qzone / Docs on 9 Apr 2024