Insight 2

 So these few days i was rather unhappy because my mum was scolding me for warning others about the sus dude, and she spammed me with different screenshots of comments from people saying not to get inside trouble and it is none of my business

(And im still stressed because i dont know how the trip will turn out, if they got something bad happen, i feel like my hands would be covered in blood because I withheld information/ rumor from some of them) (I saw Human today, who would be going on the trip, shes the one who gave me the bandage and lent me the hairclip… so I chatted casually about hows their trip plan going, and I said be careful to her. She said thanks! And then.. I said be careful to her again😂…… she said ooookay..?? And i just yeeahhhhh..!) (i think i tried, or at least attempted, i hope she’s alert enough, me and ivan are wishing for her, shes a postgrad after all, but shes rather short (shorter than me.. so below 160, and sus dude is almost 190cm)

Oh my gooooooddddd, and also yesterday i was chatting with Ruby, my secondary school friend who was the smartest in class/ form, because we’re rather close friends, and we chatted about this again, and our common friend is Audrey, who was the only other girl who probably doesnt know about sus dude (other than Human), she asked me if I want her to help me tell Audrey. I replied i was actually thinking about it for a few days but I still dont know. But we unanimously agree Audrey is a smart and strong girl. Hopefully she’s smart enough <p.s. I wrote about her like wayyyyy early in my diary, the day where I was introducing A1 A2 A3 but shes another A-lettered name and she kinda pushed me out of her way so i thought she doesnt like me) (i still dont know if she hate me or not although all our interactions were peaceful..? Ajhdsjjdjs)

Anyways today Mum was sharing her tiktok discoveries again- those disastrous accidents and tragedies

And one of it is about a rich woman got domestic abused by her famous husband to death

And she’s telling me not to have meals with males frequently (wow interesting insight…) and if in the future my husband seems to have violent tendencies and about to hit me, I should run and call the police

So i asked her, what if it already happened? She said you have to call the police

And i ask her again, what if the guy is famous, she still said call the police to let everyone know about how bad the guy is

So now im a bit confused by her stance

Maybe her stance is like I shouldnt help others but I should advocate and protect myself

But honestly i think it is way easier said than done, it seemed simple on paper, i wonder if she’ll still tell me to report if I tell her lol, so i wont tell her yet

Before me leaving the dining table, she said again to only trust them and tell them everything 

Nah

Jahajsjdksjdjdjd also today is the first day of Chinese lecture, i went to sit with ivan and his friends. 95% of our convo is lewd stuff, oh actually the day befor I was also DMing him a lot of haha dirty convo, he told me again I have great potential to sexually harrass people 🤡🤡🤡 i find it funny… although it was a bit ironic

Also that day he DMed me again saying something along the lines like Arthur probably thinks im a pain in the ass to be dealt with, why am I taking so long lol

🤡 but i know he’s not saying maliciously because all the other chats are nice 🤡 it’s just that from time to time he’ll say things like this and I’ll be slightly upset, but I’ll comfort myself becuase I remembered a long time ago charlotte saying my case is interesting, and also sometimes Arthur says it is interesting 

Remembered one time a few months ago ivan asked me if i should seek those random online help website instead of face to face with Arthur because seems like my therapy is ineffective 🫥 (but I felt like i/ my perspective was slowly changing hence effective so i said no to ivan)

Aaaaaaa is he jealous lol aahahdhekdhsj but other than this, hes supportive in other topics

Hahahahashehehehuiidueidjshshd

Also yesterday I was trying to use my toy to distract myself again and to find some happiness

But on one hand I felt incredibly gross by the harrassment, yet I am trying to seek happiness from masturbating

And I felt more and more disgust at myself and eventually stopped midway because I/ my brain can’t feel any arousal (even though my body says so)

Bruh and then I feel like a horny cunt again

Bruh

Why do people just want to touch me and possibly fuck me

Bruh

This is rather stupid

I guess the upcoming month of therapy would be busy asf because this wed I’ll probably talk about this terrible sus dude and my flashback, next wed I’ll update with their macau trip (next mon-tue), for better or the worse (i will either be guilty i made a big fuss out of nothing and im too vigilant and it’s not necessary; or they’ll unfortunately get into something bad and I’ll be guilty as fuck and I’ll probably be suicidal); and the next next wed my exam results are there (mon release) (can’t possibly imagine, haagdhfhrhfj so stressed!!!! But I’ll focus on the sus dude and the macau trip for now), and depends on my exam results, next next next week will either be: checking out how to actually report, or stay silent before retest and stressing about exams all over again

Life is shit!

People are shit!

Terrible!

Can’t really see the point!! What’s the point of living with predators everywhere! What the fuck, seems like the society is fucked up the whole time but i chose to unsee it/ my parents protected me too well so I am too stupid to see anything coming/ protect myself

I feel so damn useless!

However this rant may sound, my mental state was better than that in the last diary- molester magnet though. So! I will pull through one more day! Maybe through sleep and movies! And then it will be therapy time!

Just sometimes feeling quite bad and stupid because I thought I was almost recovering, but actually I wasn’t the whole time, and I sort of relapsed

Or maybe theyre two separate things so recovering in one doesnt mean im recovering from another one as well

Oh and back to the weird horniness and urge to think about dirty stuff and talk about it all the time, i wonder if I was coping using this, because by talking about it myself I’ll sort of have/ regain the right to control how I want the act to work out/ what I want to talk about

Beheudhajshaj and yesterday’s mental state was like this pic i saw on xiaohongshu

Fucking accurate, though i guess im not reallllly suicidal i guess, I just wanted to die

(??

Like I wouldn’t reaaaallly jump perhaps, and im just saying

^ i dont know if this will hold true in the future but let’s see if i took a turn to the worse

Also side note the day before yesterday my dad was telling me riolu was smelly

Yesterday both my mum and dad told me riolu is very smelly together

Today when I got home after class dad told me he washed my riolu and was drying it by the aircon

Hahahahehehhshdhhr i wonder if they know what kind of smell it is

I was also chatting with ivan about two suspicious stain on Arthur’s whiteboard that I have been observing for weeks

i told ivan i user the pin he used to hold up the whiteboard paper to scrape off the two suspicious whitish yellow stain 

Reallly sus although i have not seen real life semen / dries up semen

Like there is a semi transparent thin part of stain, and the thicker side of stain is relatively non transparent yellowish white, like soy bean milk???? But soy bean milk wont coagulate on wall. (I think)

Wowwowkwowkwowowo hahahahahahaahahohohohho i bet he’ll act dumb

Actually that time when i was scraping, bro went silent

I thought he wasnt looking at me though, and everytime i sit up from the sofa bed to look back he was having his back at me so im not sure. But i remember the first time i pull uo the pin, bro went silent too, until he saw me playing the pin on the fabric wall and im not using it on myself..?

Lmfao !!!!!!!!!! hahahahahaahaha hilarious