fack uouuuououu
ok although i wrote i wont share my diary again, i still want to write, bruh!!! 立flag必倒
probably releasing all these diary entries the day before therapy so you get to read a whole bunch >:((
hmmmmmph!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyways hahhhhhhhhh so angry but so ironic i got this very horny dream the night of therapy
HMMMMPH
i need to discuss the dream, because it is fun and important and I want to listen to You saying the dream >:OOOOOO
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa xDDDDDDDDD broooooo BRUH
hmph hmph hmph
bro staying angry is tiring and youre gonna leave me hanging for 10 days bruh hmph
- ok the main point of todays entry is
I was thinking again when did I start watching porn
seems like it was not p3, probably p1 when I discovered nude photos I just went to watch porn pics
all women pics though
and I mentioned my 表哥 (actually not blood related) (mom's sis's husband's previous family's son) tried to 摁倒 me one time when i was small right
i remembered during our travel every year (we stay in their house), he would show his dick every time before he goes showering, and my mum's sis would yell and tell him not to, meanwhile another adult would cover my eyes (but I wanted to watch so I peeked)
That was definitely before puberty though, because I remember those few years his dick was tiny as fuck
LMFAO thats all I remember, so funny
also my porn addiction(?) started definitely before I enter secondary, because I remembered, one time this p2 kid from the class I was looking after as a school prefect in p6, she newly learnt this word "鹹濕", so one time she chuckled and yelled at me "prefect姐姐你好鹹濕啊"
and I recalled clearly I was actually in shock and kind of nervous (because I was indeed watching a lot of porn), but I pretended to be confused and responded "?? what no" to her
I think around p3 I was watching those pics in a restaurant with my mum next to me and dad opp to me, but seems they didn't know (or they pretended they didn't see me watching), so yeah
,,
oh and also f4 my horniness level reached maximum and one time this 表哥 and the family came hong kong to sightsee
and I really really craved sex
me (say like 16 years old)(yeah pretty sure 16 because I was thinking I am "finally legal to have sex" back then) and my mum went to the hotel they were staying, and we need to take care of 表哥 (also 16 but slightly older) and 表妹 (around 10?)
and I would try my best to seduce my 表哥 every time my mum wasn't looking or sis was away。。。
(side note I think I am also trying to seduce you bruh but like, on a serious note, I have to stress that actually I want to see you happily ever after with your wife, and Amber) (youre cute though)
for example we went exploring the hotel, we went to the gym and I would try to hump the yoga ball in front of him,,,,,,, (the spiky yoga ball actually felt good)
oh my god
but he just didn't look interested at all
he was playing games and watching gaming videos on his phone
oh those few years he was always wechatting someone on the phone and his wallpaper was a pretty secondary school girl, idk if it was online pic or someone he knows irl, because the girl was actually kinda pretty. But every time I wanna peek at his phone he would shy away, so mAYbe he was having a relationship LOL
,,, and I remember one occasion (another year probably f5ish) i was super horny in the hotel, (our family was travelling and that day both of them went out and I stayed in the hotel room), I almost wanted to just walk out and knock on other people's doors to ask people to fuck me,,, but my rational mind says no, so I didn't
I DONT KNOW WHY I AM SO HORNY WTF
and this time I am having this pretty nice not gonna lie dream with you but I am pretty sure it was because my menstruation is starting soon so it was the hormones again
aaaaaaaaaaa FUCK
but im still very angry !!! fuck!
--
ah and i think i mentioned before but in f4 i had two weeks of not seeing the classmistress at school (coincidentally no lessons of her for two weeks), and then the lesson she finally walked into I got super... aroused. like face really red and i was very wet, and classmates all came after lesson to tell me my face and ears were super red. Till now this remains the "most aroused occasion without actually masturbating".
fuck! I think you're actually still mad. oh my god i fucked up, gonna wait and post this next week
so weird I should be apologising in the "im sorry" diary and the last paragraph is "fuck you", maybe Im not actually sorry, LMAO aaaaaaaaaaaaa fuck
i mean both things can coexist at the same time cuz theyre different matters
-
also thought of a way to stop my impulse from diverting the topic, it was actually a method I used back in high school, when I thought of a new topic but I am studying, I would write the topic down on a memo pad, and then I can rest my mind and go back to studying. Probably works in therapy, I can use your board lol
and I tend to stay on topic more if text messaging because if I see what I am typing and double check what the person was texting, I would realise it would be awkward to start a new topic, so I would force myself to stay on topic, but I don't have this awkward feeling if I am speaking verbally, so I tend to divert topics
Also if I am chatting with my friends, we can open multiple topics in different chat rooms and apps and chat all the topics at the same time. for example instagram alt accounts/ whatsapp, so usually when we chat we are on two to three topics simultaneously and this was super fun for both of us.
many friends communicate in this style with me so I actually didn't realise jumping topics was an issue
my mum jumps topics way too broadly though, last sentence can be about drinking straws and milk tea, the next would be it is raining soon, and the next would be hahaha you have to watch this interesting video. Thats too "jumpy" for me
i mean i would at least talk for like 3-5 sentences/ around when I think I finished discussing this and this is not interesting to me anymore, before jumping to another. Her's just confusing
Maybe I am too self-centered or "wants to control the discussion" by jumping to topics I am interested in, I think you're trying to make me admit that last session, but staying in one single topic for 30 minutes is just way too boring. Even if it was a very very interesting topic, uhm random example "hmm in what position should arthur fuck me, doggy style or missionary", I can't discuss this for 30 minutes. Hmm if it was the massage dream, since it has part 1 and 2, that counts as two topics so it was better. If it is a boring topic like "what food do u like best", I can't even last the discussion for 10 minutes, literally 話題終結者.
now that i think about it if I update the dream log too late/ too close to next session you can be like fuck it im not reading, so I am gonna pick a time when you should be able to finish reading all if you meant it
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa not giving you diary is like giving you more free time >:O but im angry so i want to punish you
you look like you want to see me explode and youre gonna eat peanut and im gonna be a clown >:O
reluctant to admit but i drew you again >:OOaaaa
I can't lash out because you speak swear words way more fluently than me and I will definitely lose in an argument LMAO hmph
im going to practice swearing just for this
how do i show im actually kind of angry without swearing.. hmm
bruh you think Im not sad because I look happy every time, bruh thats because this is the happiest hour in the week bruh, if im not happy in this hour I dont have other times when Im happy (except masturbating and dreaming)
see???? no one understands my emotions I gave you my diary and you think I am happy (well recent months yeah, and real sad I wont have energy to write)
also multiple times when we meet at like the waiting room you think i am happy when I look sad, and you think I look sad when I am happy, huh??
i hope you dont think i fake sad to get attention and therapy lol... smiling doesnt mean im not upset
and laughing could mean I am angry or sad or happy or embarrassed
and i think you got my attachment method wrong, ill mention again it is fearful avoidant / disorganised one (anyways so many names, the mixed one) so yes i want to be closer to people but i dont like it when people are being too proactive, so I am like a repelling magnet, so i dont understand why that one session you kept saying I want closeness and I dont entirely agree but you kept saying so i had to agree
:(((((((((( but you did a lot for me we moved the couch in and you had to rearrange everything so I shouldnt be angry
if you want an easy way to make me cry you can just scold me and I'll instantly cry, but I will be very sad
I wonder what ways youre gonna make me release my anger, you set this cliffhanger last time and I am curious, idk if I get to try that next time, I'm guessing it was some kind of hypnosis LOL, I mean you have the couch and random egyptian bell, but I checked your company website seems like it was the other magician guy who knows hypnosis, not you...? omg idk if I can actually be hypnotized, my mind seems rather aware, and im scared if my subconscious would spit out some even more fucked up shit and then you'll hate me forever and dont like me anymore lol, like what if my subconsciousness says I am actually just lazy and im not sad at all I made it all up, but im curious too so I dont mind trying
--------
part 2 (idk why I really want to share a lot all of a sudden)
random memory
suddenly remembered my mum telling me that 姑媽 told her (mum) I told her (姑媽) that 表哥 kissed me; and mum tell me not to believe 姑媽 (and mum always dislike 姑媽 because she believed 姑媽 discriminate her background that she's from mainland and she's my dad's second wife)
I remembered back then internally I was thinking: but i think it was true
but i didnt tell mum
and then many years of mum telling me 姑媽 is bad, I started to believe the kiss never happened. I am slightly skeptical of this now still, but at the back of my mind I kind of think it actually happened
idk lol
I think it was just a kiss in the cheek though, nothing really serious, we were both young, but feels a bit off
--
also i think i have a kink of "about to be discovered", because last week I was doing it again, I was alone at home, but I don't feel really "excited", I was slightly disappointed, but then I heard my parents coming home and opening the front door, and immediately I got excited and real 潮吹 again (it was obvious on my bedsheet) bruh
oh my god bruhhhhh
--
this is weird I hope I didn't have something seriously wrong sexually when I was small. Kind of weird to be horny starting at a young age
disgustingggggggggGGGGG
--
idk why but I dreamt Arthur twice in a row, bruh 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻
super scared of receiving feedback idk if he's still mad/ what he thinks so I turned off comments yesterday/ today before sleep at like 5am lmfao
hmm but if I release the diary too late he won't comment :((
bruh so 矛盾
--
also kind of comforting and reassuring to see him showing he has other emotions like anger, and him getting off the bus and blending in with random people/ the crowd on the street, idk why but it made me less anxious because he is just "another ordinary person".
---
dinner with charlotte
i talked about angry me, angry arthur and my bus ride, and also briefly about the very enlightening dream
she said she also dreamt one time she was having sex with a black man lmao
then she proposed a theory that I always couldnt dream what happens after the "preparing stage/ massage" aka the actual sex because I don't have actual experience having sex, so I couldn't imagine it
which kind of makes sense omg lmao
hmmm?? then does it mean she is not virgin
very interesting
---
also was thinking if i have some 欺善怕惡 characteristics because i only stop when the person looks mad
aii
—
Hmm also another random reason for wanting to know where/ what area you live is because I was brainstorming with ivan where would a suitable area to keep a dog and have mountains, and he said it is either Nam Cheong or South Horizons, meanwhile my instinct from the very beginning is that you definitely doesn’t feel like a “HK Island person” and I was wild guessing TKO/ Tai Wai/ Tsuen Wan, half suspected Cheung Sha Wan but quickly ruled out because I don’t think you’re living in the very urban area because you don’t have that “tension” but not really in the countryside say like Tuen Mun because you don’t drive to work
More “New town but not too far” vibe and you have that red/ green/ brown line but not too centered vibe
And i kind of want to prove my instinct was right and he was wrong because he laughed at my hypothesis of non-HK island vibe
(And then you skipped 4X and went for 33X, which says A LOT about where you approximately live)
Sorry
Very random and wild guess but you just can tell, for example ruth doesnt give a New Territories vibe at all, im thinking more HK Island; Ursmar gives me a more a Kowloonish vibe instead of HK Island
I may be wrong but i just kinda felt that way lol ???
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