委屈

 Watched wonder egg priority and continued bedrotting in bed yesterday. I should really shower but didn’t. Sat in the bed in the dark and suddenly this huge wave of 委屈 just came as I was thinking back on the incident and childhood bullying and the hand touching thing. School, outside and the family were literally my world because they were where I spent my time on as a full-time student. But the things happened not because of what I wear, so it would be related to me as a person. I wondered if these things were common but I don’t think it was common to have such an extensive set of trauma (although mine weren’t bloody). I thought about getting chased at that specific table at the upper playground in primary with scissors, and succumbing to the concrete coarse floor right in the middle of the open playground after getting caught by the gang of classmates to tickle me. I still felt the texture of the ground and how “stony” it felt as I fell down and rolled over, as I looked up to so many classmate’s heads looking down on me and my body. I wondered how many wonder eggs would it take to redeem myself. And I was thinking maybe I already had PTSD when I was small, it was just that I didn’t realise having flashbacks was abnormal and I just tried to dish them away the next day I go to school.

I was just crying so much because I finally found the word to describe my feeling. I felt like it is a 天大的委屈. But there doesn’t seem to be a synonym for 委屈 in English. It is more than “feeling wronged”- it wasn’t really a right or wrong that I was judging about…

I wonder how come I was like this when my 八字 and astrology suggested my life be otherwise. But I already asked my mum again for my birth time- although she could only narrow it down to a range of half an hour.

It took me a week to submit my composition fee for the upcoming semester of uni because I was thinking maybe I wouldn’t be able to use it anyways. I might ditch Arthur since I really didn’t want to go to school. But then I thought things wouldn’t solve itself and I have already experimented that with my whole year 3. There isn’t another major that I am interested in enough, despite hating medicine now. And it pays well. There is no way out but to continue studying. And I miss Arthur a little bit. So I eventually paid.

I was also thinking, characters in the anime and ivan in his book seemed to handle their grievances well- at least better than me. But how come I am still upset over the same things in the past? It is like, if I feel unwell and go to sit in the waiting room, I wouldn’t find the duty counsellor to talk about it because it was just the same things again. There is no use and chatting a bit wouldn’t change my emotions completely to the issue. I guess literature is simply literature. Or it was something people hope for.

I feel like a squashed squishy with no more elasticity to rebounce. I was squashed to death by life.

Mum saw my swollen eyes when I sat at the dining table as she kept urging me to have dinner. She asked if I was crying a few times but I refused as I finished my dinner and headed back into my room.

The windows were a bit tempting but the thought was manageable. At least it wasn’t loud thoughts shouting internally in my head like back then in July. I didn’t want to cut either because the feeling of wanting to die was completely different from what you could relieve yourself from through cutting.

So I just cried to sleep.