歸遊

 You’ve soared everywhere. Have you found your answer?

Answer to what?

I don’t really even know what my question is.

What am I seeking?

What am I searching for?

The world is so big, yet I was lost.

Same sentence as I once said, but I can feel something is different.

I’m not exactly totally lost. Although I am confused, but not as devastated as before. So “lost” in a literal sense but not emotionally, which is an improvement I guess.

Am I as suicidal as before? Sometimes.

It’s not as frequent, which is good, but when it comes, I become more daring to try actions with bigger consequences…

But still constantly mildly suicidal. It’s like a background noise. When I’m alone in my room or in my house, I wondered if I hang myself, how long would it take for people to discover me. Probably the next week when the housekeeper is coming to clean up the communal areas (but not my room). Didn’t attempt because there is nothing to hang on to (literally) and if I hang myself at the tree right outside the window of my room, it would be a pity as it would ruin the feng shui of the sweet spacious room and the little cute garden. Plus this thought wouldn’t last long as people sometimes return to the dorm for whatever reason.

Every time I stand on a mountain, or that time paragliding in Tenerife, I stared down at the cliff or the emptyness below my feet, thinking what was holding me from just jumping down right there. Every time the reason is just simply I am ever so slightly missing Arthur. Just very very very slightly. Very faint. And I am embarrassed and even ashamed by this thought. To the point I was crying. Since I don’t think you’re supposed to have another person as your reason to live. That’s unhealthy and a bit stupid. Quite dangerous even. But I can’t think of another reason. My head was empty.

On a brighter note that means even a faint feeling could push me on, which is quite nice.

What is this feeling? Maybe it was the feeling of being loved.

Speaking of that, I had quite a hectic day transiting from my dorm to heathrow. Well due to my terrible time management, I missed my national express. I was aware I was about to be in panic mode as I was frantically running around the house trying to tidy everything, throw away stuff, searching for my lost vape, and trying to shut my luggage which held too much stuff. I was desperate in the last minute and threw away loads of stuff- from my blahaj body towel which carried my memories from tenerife to croatia, slovenia and greece, as well as being a memento to the large Blahaj in Arthur’s room, to the blue discontinued muji makeup bag I got from xianyu which I was permbanned by having a UK ip address, and the pair of Balanciaga triple s sneakers which was a tad bit too small… I couldn’t carry them all.

Sometimes I just need to let go of stuff, I guess. I was just out of my mind as I was essentially dumping away most things.

Anyways, I was slightly emotionally overwhelmed as I called an uber X rather than an XL which means I was definitely not able to get on the bus even if it was late, but still searching for ways to get to Heathrow (national express for the day is full and I can’t change-and-go). Luckily trains are frequent and fast, and I got time. I lost one (actually two) leg of the journey but I was still far ahead for the most important ones- the flights were what counted.

As I already checked out, I was just panting (and slightly sobbing) by my house door from dashing to and from the reception, laundry room and wardens house. And Emma noticed and opened the door for me.

Emma’s mum dropped her work of cleaning the house and offered to drive me to whatever destination I needed for the first journey. Despite her saying her car was a bit small and me saying I can call an uber XL instead, she still led me across the road to check out her car. She hugged me tightly and said I have a long way to go. We moved my luggage to the car after confirming the luggage all fitted.

She drove both of us to Cardiff Central, where they dropped me off along with my 3 luggages and my heavy backpack. I was eternally grateful.

My train to London paddington was unbelievably early and by a whopping 13 minutes. I then took the Victoria Line and got to the airport at 4pm when my flight is at 9pm and check in counter opens at 5pm. I had cafe nero as it was the only decent choice and I’d like to make a purchase to make up for the too-good-to-go goodies bag I got in Cardiff which was way too generous. 10 pastries for 2 pounds! Unbelievable.

I realised when I was desperately in need of something, someone would just be there to offer me a ride. It happened during one of the black rainstorms in secondary school when buses are all delayed, and a schoolmate from the same year (Sharon Lai) offered to give me a ride on her parents’ car as well, and I was punctual to school. I was happy when she got elected as the head prefect a few years later.

Seems like I have a lot of things to be grateful for.

Maybe these little happy things would keep me going longer. But they are not permanent or my “beacon of light”. They’re like reminders the world is not as bad as it seems. But they are not my reason to live.

I don’t know.

I travelled to- how many countries currently in this semester? A stunning 21. Yet there is no answer. The world is just a world. It doesn’t offer answers on itself. And you can’t really search for an answer on it because it doesn’t provide any. It is just simply “a world”, existing objectively.

And I am too scared to explore within without a therapist. It’s too dangerous. What if I opened the Pandora’s box again? (Well it was already opened.) (I forgot what’s inside though.) Ah I feel bad for forgetting what I’ve learnt and discovered through therapy.

I miss Arthur.

Maybe I’ll take a seat in the waiting room for a while after gala day. When I am back from Japan I’d fill in the intake form again and set on another journey of self-discovery then.