learned helplessness?

 

 holy shit i had a very troubling nightmare

1.
ivan dont want me
ivan has a lot of friends, he likes to socialise with his other friends instead of me
he chatted a lot with others/ she sang loudly with others who sat next to her instead of me which i sat at the far far end of the table/ sofa
(but techinically I chose to sat at the far end of the table)
(wow i actually typo-ed a few "she" instead of he, but actually idk, is gay she or only trans is she, but i rmb ivan said she is a girl too)


2. ma know i have moderate depression but dont say anything about it (dream)
ma stopped asking my study progress / when I hea answer she doesnt chase for a definite answer
and somehow in the dream (i think it was I checked her phone wechat conversation 
oh i remember
like in the dream i sent her a wechat message, I forwarded a social media post about signs of (i forgot what, stress???)
and she doesnt respond (responded with nothing)
and then one day she forwarded me a social media post about (how to help patients with/ how to deal with) (<-- i forgot the exact phrase) moderate depression

and then i realised she hochi know i have moderate depression but she never talked with me about it / gave me comfort / stand by me or anything


and then these two nightmares made me 十分地不爽， so much that I woke up

and now i am spamming my keyboard to type this shit out because if i dont write it I will forget immediately

*moderate depression in dream, not irl, I dont think I have depression cuz people say sadness in depression is morning and before sleep, but mine is in late afternoon, evening and at night, worse days start from noon. definitely not morning
exact phrase in dream is 中度抑郁


i think these nightmares show something in my subconsciousness, but I think only psychoanalysis people analyse dreams, idk if arthur analyse these idka dahljksdhlksahd s\

---

ok dream report end

today osca, after osca i was walking up sassoon road and was wearing (wearING) my headphones, and then idk bro a random girl initiated a chat with me??? like i know she sat opposite to me in the waiting room? (not waiting room, but the corridor outside the exam venue of PCB right before we enter for the osca examination), and then anyways this girl ask me hows the exam im like I removed one side of my headphones and said "hi" and shes like "? whatdidyasay" i repeated hii and continued our convo

SO WEIRD but she seem like her convo is deliberate?? like she initially was walking behind me, and then walked up by my side and initiated the chat, idk if hai kui 認錯人 and then decided to continue the chat cuz we are too garm, or 佢真心想同我講嘢 lol

anyways it was a pleasant talk? i think? I tried to be normal too, at first im not sure if i should hint her that i think she was talking to the wrong person, but bro she seems legitimate so i just continued the small talk

she was talking about osca, like some parts she was confused, and finally i said osca has already ended so yeah (dont think about it)
she replied yeah


anyways she went for the shuttle in 5th, and I went up 3rd (i am going to ride a bus back home), and then I check phone and realised ivan whatsapped me "lunch?" so we went for lunch in qmh nursing restaurant and chatted more lmaoaooaaoh yeah

so weird bro like idfk if my like towards female people (teachers) are part of my transference, or my sexuality (/ romantic attraction, i dont feel sexual towards women bruh)
idk whether all the people i was once attracted to are just my transference acting on me, or whether I really like them out of romance lmao
idk what even if my sexuality
cuz C老師 (the driving coach) is a man and I dont see him as a mother figure..???? idk bruh that time I think why initially i like him, hai because he is very tall and he holds the umbrella for both of us BRUH (actually quite exciting okay? xD)


and i tell ivan i think i alr have transference for arthur before I even met him BRUH
my transference is so cheap lmao
--

also osca i did like 3 to 4 major errors (i forgot running commentary for 3C in first exam, made up a lot of angles for range of movement, I forgot to tell the patient to dress up afterwards, 2nd exam i technically did not do hand hygiene, I forgot to kneel down for palpation, i randomly did an extra palpation step for kidney other than balloting bruh lmfao hahaha (made it up), and i forgot the name of the test for ascites (the doctor finally told me it was shifting dullness)
however the doctor for my 2nd exam (abdominal exam), is mancy's MSS exam, and the doctor told mancy to revise more on the movement for range of movement (she forgot adduction and internal rotation?), but this doctor did not ask me to revise more (though I think im also kinda bad) (but technically the name for "shifting dullness" is not part of the marking scheme, I think he asked me because im like "im going to do the .... test for uhh ascites" so after performing he asked me extra "what is the name of this test" im like "uhh floating,,,  uh ascites" and he said the test is "shifting dullness")

idk bro am i going to pass
but tbh this time i wasnt too stressed because on the bus ride home I thought to myself, pass or fail doesnt matter anymore, at least I am alive and surviving

saw a threads (tweet??), 身體健康先可以做到世界第一
(oh the exact phrase is 人無事先做到世界冠軍)
--

oh speaking of health
tamagotchi
so i was giving my ma this tamagotchi for her to care after while i was away for lectures, and now too

she kept bringing it / she went to work to earn money (function in the game), to buy good food and accessories for the tamagotchi,
and she has been complaining for several days to me saying she gave her so much good food and bought so much stuff, but the happiness meter is still dropping, yesterday (the yesterday in the conversation) (not rn) it was down to blue part of the bar! (below 20%) and every night before sleep/ during sleep randomly wake up it looks very sad and I had to comfort her every night!! (function in game, if u kept neglecting her happiness, this extra task will pop up telling you to pet it to sleep) 
I asked my ma how many times have you pet it (cuz rubbing head and petting is the only way to raise happiness bar, not buying and using stuff, i told her before)
three times per day!!
three times only??
my three times include a lot of rubbing in each time!
yeah I know, but three times is definitely not enough, i do once to twice per hour,

one time she complained again, so i sort of used ivan's tactic (ivan didnt tell me to do this, i didnt tell him about this tamagotchi story),
my ma said she is angry because the tamagotchi happiness bar is low
I ask her why she is angry when the sad one is the tamagotchi
she replied, because if it is unhappy, I need to bring it to the hospital!

(i didnt continue asking!! such a missed opportunity) (i think my ma is not angry because of the money spent in hospital (both irl, and in the game, it doesnt cost coins to get treatment) but rather angry at the fact it is unhealthy? and a hassle to bring it to the hospital?
not sure cuz i didnt ask ahdikashdkahsdh

i think tamagotchi is slightly like my situation lol, I get physically what i need and want (as long as i ask?) i think? and most of the time i dont ask, i can still get these things like food and stuff
but idk? i dont have anything else? but on the other hand i think i am asking for too much, I am already considered 幸福？


oh a few days ago i was supposed to practice my osca, but i kept going out right
one time before going out, my ma tell me (something along the lines like) 你喺屋企唔使咁客氣，都係自己人/屋企人，你想要咩就出聲，我哋都會幫你
so technically I am the one who did not voice out for my needs, and I shouldnt ask others to "read my mind", that would be asking too much
(and they seem not too bad???)

wow why me so 矛盾，second paragraph above I think asking for support is asking for too much, but now, not asking for support and expect others to mind read is asking for too much, technically I wholeheartedly (?) agree with both sentences??? bro I am wack


or maybe im too used to people neglecting my needs so I dont feel the need to express them anymore
like uhm I dont like to raise my hand to ask to go toilet, so i will hold my pee
(also if at home, i go pee, my ma will tell me to go shower and I dont like showering, so I dont go toilet.... SO CHIILDIShshs)

like one time I do volunteer service with my friends, and at the end of the service we each can get an egg tart, like get it ourselves in the box with many egg tarts
and then around us theres a box, but im the last to get, and in the box there is none left
so i didnt ask for one, cuz i thought to myself egg tart is optional and is a bonus, not like i care anyways

and then when my friends are finishing their egg tarts, i told one of my friends, aiden, "aaaa lol I dont have an egg tart cuz the box is empty, all are taken away"
and then! aiden walked and got a new box! unopened box! and then he opened it and I got my egg tart!
im like oh wowwww I have an egg tart now thank you

^
like i see other boxes and i "unsee" them, like i'll think theyre either eaten already or reserved for themselves (organisers), im not supposed to open a new box? just for me/ one egg tart? (even if two egg tart short I wouldnt open it either)

turns out nobody gives a shit about these boxes and they are meant for us.. (no one claim the boxes after the event) so im overthinking, but I thought this is good cuz I am being considerate; but at the mean time this is bad because I couldnt claim what I should get, and I didnt ask any people in charge for the tarts/ organisers, despite one of my friends is literally part of the organiser team.
and I feel a bit bad (/ guilty) because aiden get it for me when my rant is not a request, I feel like im bad because I am expecting people to act for what I say instead of ask (or maybe it is a family teaching, like before I will say "i dont have tissue" my parents will ignore, and ill say again "i dont have tissue!" "you need to ask first" "can I have tissue?" "u need to say mum/dad, can you help me get some tissue?" sometimes if i feel good I will repeat after them. [most of the time now I will just be fed up and yell I need tissue!!] (i know it's bad but im pissed, and i know what happens next aka the following paragraph) and after repeating the sentence my dad get me tissue. but doesnt hand it to me. "u need to say dad can you hand me the tissue please" [and by this point i will be super annoyed, and just dont say]
so now I am stuck with this very bad way of I NEED TISSUE! instead of properly asking others (others = parents only). if i am outside, I am normal and abide to social etiquettes and proper asking..?
so i had a bad temper at home BROOOOO and i just feel my temper is bad i dont want to control it
but I still think i am very nice (not "very" nice, but quite nice to my parents already) (am i a bit narcissitic bruh) i feel embarrassed to say it because it exposes my temper and reveal that I am actually not nice I am an ill tempered person


yes guilty is the word

(speaking of tamagotchi, it was unhappy before bed again, right now)



is this learned helplessness?

 

 

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oh shit i forgot to ask for a goniometer too